Masks

Two things I have started to notice increasingly more often in the past few weeks:

1) My throat is sore after speaking, often even after brief conversations. I presume the reason is using a different pitch and/or timbre of voice to what I normally use.

2) A set of mimic muscles in my face also tense up after conversations, and are often quite hard to relax afterwards. The muscles, when tense, seem to be producing a slight, condescending smile.

Both are most probably defense mechanisms - used to keep a fair social distance, because I do not have resources left to risk letting new people close to me.

Again confirming my suspicions I really need to start working to get my life on track in terms of energy levels. For now, I am greatly thankful for the few close friends I do have.

Happiness

Honesty with yourself is probably the best basis for a good life one can have.

Considering this, my last post was somewhat off the mark. I did enjoy the weekend, and Saturday was indeed exactly what I needed but in the rest...

I have exhausted myself with work, to the point where I really do not have anything left to give to the people around me - neither to the new acquaintances nor to my old friends.

Not that I do not enjoy being with people - quite the opposite, at least with my old friends. It feels somewhat better than it has in the past - probably because the anxiety has faded and I feel I can actually relax and be myself around people - and am somewhat forced to be so, due to lack of energy.

Nevertheless, I would like to reciprocate more. Offer up fun ideas, and do them. Be more active, take the lead. The normal reaction would be to want to jump right into it and just do it, but at the moment, it feels like too much work. A sure sign something is wrong.

So time to make some revisions:

Three meals a day,

At most 2 cups of coffee a day, (1, e.v.)

8+ hrs of sleep, habitually,

Taiji, two times a week.

Also, cutting down on (already fairly low-key) social life for a while might be a good idea.

Or, rather, being a bit more honest with what I want and need (and risk upsetting the other person and being rejected). I don't really think I have much to lose, but I do have quite a bit to gain.

Someone to cuddle up and watch "Groundhog day" with, for instance. With no anxiety or expectations as to what should or will happen after.

Happiness doesn't take much. In fact, I think I have come to realize that it doesn't take anything. It is not a state of having, but a state of being...

And it is not as if I am missing something from my life... except for 2 out of 3 meals a day, but this should be easy to fix.

The weekend I needed.

Thursday was a 14-hr workday. I got home at 2 AM in the morning.

Only to wake up at 9 and have another 8 hrs - with two consecutive seminars held, one with masters students and for 2 hrs, another with our faculty, lasting 3.

And then I had half a Taiji practice to give on top of all this. So by 8 p.m. I was pretty much putty, both physically and mentally.

Just the perfect time to go meet a nice girl for coffee.. and then go spend the rest of the evening with two good friends who had decided to drop in unexpectedly (and so had to wait for a few hours, by which time they managed to do away with half of my sweets and all of my candles). The three of us had a lot of fun, and it continued for them even after I set off to bed.

The whole of Saturday was spent playing a single 10-hour session of "Arkham horror". Also just the perfect thing to do after an exhausting week.

And now, Sunday, which me and my roommate spent fixing my couch with a drill, steel wire and spare computer parts.

Back to work tomorrow - with quite a few new ideas.