Books that have influenced me

Based on a Facebook post in response to the "book meme". In estonian, again, sadly.

Sain mõni aeg tagasi Kätlin Konstabel-ilt raamatumeemi. Niisiis, kümme mind mõjutanud raamatut - aus ülestunnistus. (PS: järjekord ei loe eriti - kirjutasin nad nii nagu pähe tulid enam-vähem)

1) Card - "Ender's Game" ja "Speaker for the Dead". Mäletan, et nutsin esimese osa lõpus, kui seda 22-aastaselt lugesin. Narratiivi mõttes oli aga teine osa isegi parem, sest ei sõltunud nii palju lõpu plot twistist.

2) Smullyan - "This Book Needs No Title" - Smullyani laenas mulle keskkooliaegne juhendaja Leo Võhandu ja armusin selle tüübi kirjutamisstiili enamvähem koheselt. Tema loogikamõistatuste raamatud ilmselt süüdi selles, et minust just teoreetiline arvutiteadlane sai. See raamat aga pigem anekdoote taoismi teemadel - mis naeravad läänes normaalseks peetud asjade üle ja teevad seda väga nauditavalt.

3) Laozi - "Daodejing" - esimene "religioosne" tekst mis minuga reaalselt rääkis. Kõik tundus... õige. Eriti mittemaagilises tõlgenduses kus Tao = see kuidas asjad lihtsalt on. Vahepeal suutsin seda peast tsiteerida, kuigi need ajad praeguseks kahjuks möödas sest olen sellest teemast veidi kaugenenud.

4) Hesse - "Klaaspärlimäng" - Hesse on mulle alati meeldinud, Stepihundist mida koolis kohustuslikuna lugesime, alates. Klaaspärlimäng aga ehk kõige rohkem - sest kirjeldab sisuliselt seda, kuidas ma tahaks et maailm ja elu läheks. Kahjuks on reaalsus natuke keerulisem kui elevandiluust torn.

5) Keyes - "Lilled Algernonile" - Kätlin soovitas seda kunagi, ja tol hetkel oli täpselt õige raamat täpselt õiges kohas. Käsitleb vaimse võimekuse küsimusi väga huvitavast aspektist ja kirjeldab väga hästi inimese võimetust suurte ja järskude muutustega kohaneda. Kes pole lugenud - tehke seda. See on lühike 

6) Strauss - "The Game" - klassikaline kirjutis sellest kuidas naistesebijate kommuun toimib, mh ka sellest mis trikke kasutatakse jms. Kõik kes mind natuke tunnevad teavad, et mingiks läägeks naistemeheks see mind teinud ei ole. Maailmapilti muutis see aga sellest hoolimata päris märkimisväärselt - kasvõi selle osas kui erinevalt on võimalik mõnedest asjadest mõelda. Taaskord - soovitan, eriti skeptikutele.

7) Ariely - "Predictably irrational" - enam-vähem esimene raamat mille välismaalt ostsin, ja sellest algas mu vaimustus populaarteaduse vastu. Raamat ise ei ole millegi poolest väga eriline teistest sarnastest nt "Freakonomics" või "More sex is safer sex", märgib lihtsalt murdepunkti. Praeguseks moodustavad sellised raamatud mu kogust väga arvestatava osa.

8) Orwell - "1984" - kõigist utoopiatest ja düstoopiatest on see mulle kauguelt kõige mõjusam olnud (võrdluseks: Huxley "Hea uus ilm" jättis mind täiesti külmaks, peamiselt vist küll selle pärast et seal joonistatud "düstoopia" oli minu jaoks täiesti aktsepteeritav, pigem isegi soovitav). Peamine põhjus see, et kirjeldatud olukord ongi stabiilne - kui sellesse kord jõuda, võib see põhimõtteliselt igavesti kesta. Ning see oli välja joonistatud nii, et sa tunned seda ängi ja saad aru, kui parandamatu see kõik on. "All hope abandon all ye who enter in" - ja mitte vaid sõnakõlksu jaoks vaid nii ongi. Loodan vaid, et meie maailm suudab sellest eemale hoida.

9) Dweck - "Mindset" - olin tema teadustöö austaja juba pikalt enne raamatu lugemist, aga ka raamat ise mõjus hästi. Kes teooriaga tuttav pole, guugeldage kindlasti. Olin kunagi väga, väga tugevalt fixed mindsetis kinni ning see raamat (teaduspõhine, btw, mitte mingi umbluu) näitas väga selge suuna kuhu oma suhtumisega liikuda + andis kinnitust et kõik need asjad on muudetavad. 6 aastat hiljem ja see probleemistik on väga suures osas ületatud.

10) Penrose "The Big, the Small and the Human Mind" - see on kohutav raamat. God-awful. Sünopsis: Maailma üks parimaid matemaatikuid otsustab, et kuna ta on hea matemaatik, teab ta kõigest kõike ja räägib sellest kuidas ajus on kvantprotsessid ja seetõttu ei ole arvutid kunagi võimelised inimesega samale tasemele jõudma. Miks see nimekirjas on? Sest see veenis mind et väga targad inimesed võivad väga suuri lolluseid teha kui nad liiga ülbeks muutuvad. Väga suuri. Mõjus väga hästi oskusele öelda "ma ei tea".

Kindlasti tuleks mainida, et ilukirjanduse mõttes on mu lemmikautorid Fowles, Asimov, Vonnegut, Pratchett ja Gaiman, kellest ühegi ükski üksik teos pole aga nii tugevalt mõjunud et nimekirja jõuda.

---------------------

Also - as an afterthought, one I forgot but which should definitely be there:

11) Rousseau - "Reveries of a Solitary Walker" - the first book I actually liked and the only one (besides daodejing) I have read more than once  - both when I was still in school. His solitude resonated with me back then and made my own being slightly easier to bear. Still feel a connection with him - especially in my darker days, which thankfully have come to happen less and less often as time passes.

How to survive intensive periods

A student sent me an e-mail asking if I had any tips for surving an intensive period. I started writing the answer and soon found that it had become much longer than anticipated... and that I was writing it for myself more than for the student who asked me the question. 

The conclusion is something I plan to try for a few weeks. All my friends - please hold me up to it - especially to the "do not neglect your friends" bit.

(sadly, the text is in estonian, but I've heared Google Translate has gotten pretty good these days).

---------------------------------------------------------------

Tervist,

Tegelikult pean tunnistama, et ei tea sellest valdkonnast üldse nii lõpmatult palju. Üldiselt psühholoogiat õppides olen aga üht-teist kasulikku kõrva taha pannud, ning eks seda üritagi ka SI aine raames jagada. 

Lühike kokkuvõte asjadest, mis peaks teaduslikult vähemalt osalist kinnitust saanud olema:

1) 40 h töönädal kehtestati põhjusega: enamus inimesi hakkavad 50+ h töötades läbi põlema. Alguses töö efektiivsem, aga kusagil 6-10 nädalaga jõutakse punkti, kus 60 h jooksul saadakse tehtud vähem, kui varem 40 h jooksul saadi. Sellest august taastumine võtab aega paarist nädalast paari kuuni, sõltub kas tegemist päris puhkuse või lihtsalt vähendatud intensiivusega tööga. 

Moraal: intensiivseid perioode saab teha, aga ~6-8 nädalat, ja peale seda tuleb puhkus (või vähem intensiivne periood) planeerida. 

2) 99% "toitumisteadustest" on jama. Selle pahna seest reaalseid nõuandeid üles leida raske ja ei oska neid siinkohal jagada, sest pea kõige osas vastakaid arvamusi. Midagi konsensuse laadset ainult selle osas, et juurviljad-puuviljad üldiselt kasulikud, rasv ja suhkur ja alkohol suurtes kogustes kahjulikud. Regulaarsed söögiajad väga kasulikud, nagu ka 3 korda päevas söömine. You know, the usual stuff.

Kehaline aktiivsus on oluline. Olulisem, kui söömine. Ei pea olema mingi intensiivne trenn (5 korda nädalas jõusaal), aga 20 min päevas teeb juba päris suure vahe.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-to-gain-or-lose-30-minutes-of-life-everyday on üks huvitav artikkel sel teemal, kuidas asjad elu pikkust mõjutavad.

Mis veel kasulik on, on mediteerimine. Ei pea midagi keerulist tegema - piisab kui 10 min päevas võtta puhtalt sellele, et keskenduda oma hingamisele ja kehale ja mitte mõelda oma igapäevamuredest. Võtab stressitaseme maha (mh on näidatud selle mõju teatud ärevushäirete tagasilanguse vältimisel). Stressirikastel perioodidel seega väga kasulik.

Moraal: Söö regulaarselt, liiguta ennast kasvõi natukene ja pane aega kõrvale et mediteerida regulaarselt. Üle pingutada ei maksa - 20-30 min aktiivsust päevas ja 10-20 min mediteerimist on aga mõlemad head investeeringud. 

3) Emotsioonid on olulised, ja läbi põlemine on pigem nende kui füüsilise kurnatuse teema (kuigi viimane vaieldamatult aitab sellele kaasa). Seega tuleb arvestada, ja ka oma em. heaolu eest vastutav olla. 

Esimene asi, mida teada maksab, on et positiivne emotsioon ei ole negatiivse vastand, vaid nad eri telgedel. Neg em. ära võtmine ei tekita veel pos. em. Ning inimeste kalduvus tunda positiivseid emotsioone ("Ekstravertsus" tänapäevases psühholoogias) ei ole eriti korelleeritud inimeste kalduvusega tunda negatiivseid emotsioone ("Neurootilisus"). 

Kõigepealt neg emotsioonidega tegelemise osas:

Mediteerimine aitab ärevuse vastu. Seda sai juba mainitud. Võtab natuke aega, et mediteerima õppida (nädal-paar), aga edasi väga selged kasud, ja ärevuse tase väheneb oluliselt. Eriti hea asi nimega "Progressive muscle relaxation". Guugelda, kui huvi on. 

Depressioon suuresti valede mõttemustrite küsimus. Kui sellega (kasvõi natukene) probleeme, soovitan "Võit depressiooni üle" raamatut, kus oluline kas seal esitatud harjutusi reaalselt teha. Enda puhul tean, et see vahel raske, küll aga alati ja eranditult kasulik olnud, kui seda teinud olen. "Cognitive-behavioral therapy" on üks võtmesõna, mille järgi otsida netist, kui vaja. See tõendatult efektiivne selliste asjade vastu. Aitab hästi ka siis, kui oled ennast auku töötanud.

Nüüd positiivse juurde. Positiivsete emotsioonide juures maksab eristada kolme: õnnelikkus, rahulolu ja flow.  

Õnnelikkus on lühiajaline ja enamasti mingi sündmuse reaktsioonina. Läheb üle, ja see on normaalne. Oleks hea, kui elu seda aeg-ajalt pakuks.,

Rahulolu on oma pikaajaliste tegemistega rahul olemine. Selle tase tõstetav sellega, et sa hakkad tähele panema, mis hästi läinud on (nii endal kui teistel) ja kiitma selle eest. Hea algus on, kui iga päev 3 asja leiad, millega rahul oled või mille eest tänulik oled. Teiste kiitmine muuseas tekitab ka positiivseid emotsioone.

Flow, ehk see, kui sa teed midagi, millesse sa ennast unustad ja ei märkagi, et aeg möödub. See ei ole midagi müstilist või maagilist, vaid üks väga praktiline asi. Flow tekib nimelt siis, kui sa töötad oma praeguste oskuste piiri peal - kohas, kus sa tunned, et saad hakkama (s.o. ei ole ärevust, et ma ei jaksa) ja kus sul ei ole ka igav (s.o. see on mõttetu, mida ma teen). Suuresti suhtumise küsimus, sest kõik on huvitavaks tehtav. Kasvõi mõttetud tegevused, kui hakkad iseendaga võistlema, kui kiiresti need valmis saad (esimene kord 5 minutit. 10-s kord 40 sek).

Selle punkti all oluline rõhutada ka sõprade tähtsust. Kiiretel perioodidel kipuvad nad ära ununema, aga seda ei tohiks lasta juhtuda. Sõbrad on suure hulga pos. em. allikad, ja toetavad enamasti ka negatiivsetega. Seega - ükskõik kui kiire sul on, sõpru ära unusta.

Moraal: hoolitse enda eest emotsionaalselt. Kui tekivad probleemid ärevusega või depressiivsusega, tegele nendega. Tuleta endale iga päev meelde, miks sa neid asju teed, mida teed, ja mis on hästi läinud. Leia selleks 10 min päevas, tasub ära. Ja kindlasti ära unusta sõpru. 

4) Ajaplaneerimisest on palju kirjutatud ja võtteid on palju erinevaid. Kui aga ühte head soovitust tahad siis ma soovitaks rakendada seda Ericcsoni oskuste õppimise mudelit ajahaldamisele. Selle peamine järeldus: et areneda, tuleb jälgida mida sa teed ja teha teadlikult parandusi. Õpipäevik on üks pool sellest: aitab anda ülevaate, mida sa teinud oled. Teine pool on reflektsioon: kas kõik see, mida tegin, on mõistlik?

Kasulik on korra nädalas võtta aeg et läbi reflekteerida oma eelmine nädal. Mis läks hästi, mis halvasti. Mida saaks parandada, ja kuidas ma seda järgmisel nädalal parandan (konkreetsed tegevused, plaanid). Kui seda teed, siis garanteerin et su ajahaldusoskused arenevad, ükskõik kui head või halvad nad sul praegu on. Seega, kui mul oleks anda sel teemal üks soovitus oleks see just see:

Moraal: leia nädalas 20-30 min, et panna eelmise nädala kohta kirja, millega oled rahul, ja mida saaks parandada, ning formuleeri üks asi, mida järgmisel nädalal teisiti ja paremini teed. Ja järgmise nädala lõpus vaata kindlasti üle, kuidas sellega läks. Ja pane kõik see kirja! Tagab arengu ajahalduse ja ka muudel rinnetel.

Ja kui teha kõigest eelnevast veel kokkuvõte, siis:

Leia iga päev tund aega iseendale, millest: 

* 30 min trenn

* 10 min mis oli täna positiivset

* 10 min mediteerimine

* 10 min oma tegevuste reflektsioon

Lisaks:

* Toitu üldiselt tervislikult ja ürita söömise ajad regulaarseks saada

* Leia kindlasti vähemalt korra nädalas aega sõprade jaoks. 

See kiri sai plaanitust pikem, aga ehk annad andeks. Kirjutasin seda praegu lahti ka enda jaoks, sest viimasel ajal tunnen, et ka endal on nende asjadega jälle probleemi. Siit sain vist lahendused ka enda jaoks.

Ehk siis: aitäh väga hea küsimuse eest :)

Parimat,

Margus

I hurt Myself Today

I fell for the second time this year with my bike. Tore my pants and my knee in both cases, but nothing too bad.

I've been reading up on microeconomic theory this semester - first, MIT video lectures on microeconomics and now a book on Incentives. The main model in the latter is the utility function balancing effort at work with leisure time. Makes one think.

M. put it very well today, when I mentioned in passing that next semester is going to be hell for me: "You have done "Working yourself to death" to death already. You need to come up with something better if you want a reaction." So, instead of complaining how everything is out of balance, I should probably start accepting the fact that I actually want it that way (at least on some level - since it seems to be a stable equilibrium) and stop complaining.

A year ago, when I started as a curriculum manager, I believed that huge change could be brought about in a year by making a few bigger changes. Today, in talking with one of my bosses, I realized that my view has since shifted. I still believe big change to be possible and that I have played a role in bringing it about, but I now also understand that its not about huge changes that make a drastic difference but much more about many smaller things each of which is barely noticeable but which together tend to add up.

I have also come to understand just how much inertia big systems tend to have, so in university, for the effects to be visible, it takes time. Not good in terms of job satisfaction if you're the impatient kind. I am.

Example of a little thing: I have recently been analyzing student graduation data and yesterday, I managed to fit a model that seems to be able to quite accurately predict the percentage of graduating for each student after the first year of their studies. There are about 10 students each year whose scores fall in the 40-60% i.e. who need to pull their act together if they are to graduate. I'm hoping that if we start informing them of this fact, they will be more inclined to do so and instead of just 5 of them graduating, we might get 1-3 extra. As I said - small things, but they do tend to add up.

Somewhat melancholic today, and in a mood to ruminate about it. I get that every now and then, and I suppose that to a degree it is okay, assuming I don't sink completely and hopelessly into it. Thankfully, I have managed to surround myself with people who just don't let me - and I thank you all for that. But for now, I want a few hours in my bubble...

Perfection

It is weird but every now and then I still hear of people who sincerely believe me to be perfect in some sense, i.e. being able to do no wrong, or being good at everything or some such other weirdness.

Depending on my mood, I sometimes try to prove these people wrong by deliberately failing, or vice versa, try to comply with their expectations. However, reality is I am just human, both with my strengths and my weaknesses, and most often I just want people to understand that I am, in fact, just like everyone else, no better, no worse - as I feel quite bad when others think of themselves as less than me.

My main strength is my rational mind, which seems to make academic things (school, university, research) easier for me than for most other people. I was recently blamed for not ever having to learn how to learn, for it has always come easy to me. And it indeed has. In terms of school learning, I have found most things that have been taught to me to be interesting, and have thus only very rarely struggled with motivation when it came to school, and mostly for that reason, school has in fact always come naturally to me. As of yet, I know of very few others around me who has been this lucky.

My main weakness is understanding social situations and other people, and most importantly - myself. Having been raised in a city environment as an only child of a single parent, I have mostly lacked both situations and people to learn good social skills from. It has only been the past few years during which I have found the people and quite deliberately put myself in the situations that I can indeed learn from. Nevertheless, many people around me have expected me to be quite a lot further along in this respect, and I have lost at least one very important person for me for the reason I was not. I have taken long steps in this respect in the past few years, especially in the past year and a half - but unlike school learning, this is not something that has ever come easily or naturally to me. In fact, quite the opposite. Nevertheless, it has been a priority, and I have worked quite hard to get as far as I now am - mostly by constantly pushing my comfort zone in hopes of expanding it and learning about both life and myself - which has, by no means, been easy.

Trouble is - most people cannot understand this struggle, as for them, these things have come naturally, and they expect this is the same for everyone. "You think too much", they often say. In reality, I don't - for it has been this same thinking a lot that has gotten me as far as I am now. This is not to say I do not think of the wrong things often, but confusing it with thinking too much definitely does not help. What has helped me to be where I am is my faith that everyone can learn everything that he wishes to, if he is willing to put in the effort .

As for perfection - there is no such thing - or if there were, we should feel sorry for it, for it has nowhere to develop anymore so it's life must be pretty boring. To err is to be human - and this is something that should never be forgotten.

Nostalgia

These past few days I have had a strong surge of nostalgia, remembering different times and places from the past.

There have been surface reasons for it - an old classmate (from middle school) dying, a visit to that same school building (and seeing some of my old teachers).

However, I think there is a deeper reason that is more important. Life is changing around me at a pace that feels too fast for me, so I am looking for things in the past to hold on to... and not finding much. Sure, there are old and good friends, but even with them the relationship is different (although probably better) from what it used to be. And I am still living in the same place I have been for the past 6 years, but with my neighbor now moving, it has also become somewhat different.

The biggest change in my life has been entering a relationship - one that might actually last, since it is based neither on desperation nor illusions of perfection. If I had one word to describe the experience, it would be "scary" - mostly because of all the thing it had dredged up from inside me. Thankfully, she has been very understanding and will hopefully continue to be so in the future.

There is also some uncertainty about the future in terms of my career, as I still have no clear plan of what direction I want to take my life, but it seems that the decision time is approaching rapidly.

In many ways, I feel quite similar to the time roughly a year ago. Like another chapter of my life is drawing to a close and another one is starting. If this is true, it is the time to reminisce and reflect before marching on.

This is me - now

The end of a year is always a time of reflection. Time to think back on the previous year.

For me, it has been a year of very quick personal development. The year of growing up - both culturally (as I graduated with a PhD and now have a "real job"), socially (understanding social interactions much better than before) and emotionally (as it has been a year of great loss and rejection and learning to live with them).

Rather than describe the year (like last time), I choose to describe the person I am now, nearing my 25-th birthday.

I understand the distinction between accepting someone's point of view (i.e. understanding what they see and agreeing that they have a right to do so) and agreeing with it, and realize that the former is considerably more important, especially in close relationships with friends, family and partners.

I understand that friends are the people who accept you as you are, even when they do not like everything that you do. The only way to build that is through shared experience, where you constantly prove your understanding and acceptance via actions, not words.

I believe in giving other people the space to be who they are for doing anything else will drive them away.

I believe in and practice a growth mindset. In brief, this means I believe that:

• mistakes are there to be learnt from, not to be ashamed and swept under the carpet, that it is completely normal to try something and fail - as long as you learn from it;
• that through work one can develop most anything (including musical hearing and social skills);
• that past a certain point, practice plays a far more important role than IQ or "talent";
• that we are all capable of improving and that this should be one of the goals in life.

I believe that compliments should be given only for concrete deeds and effort put into them as otherwise they are just manipulation - you say you approve of the person, but in reality, he should learn to trust his/her own judgements. The proper way to take a compliment is "Thank you".

I believe that constructive criticism is always directed at deeds (which can be done differently next time) and never towards character traits (i.e. "stupid", "slow" and "lazy" which provide no positive program).

The proper way to respond to constructive criticism is to acknowledge it and accept it. Less functional ways include apologies and explanations - which are insulting to the other party.

I believe reality is there to be accepted as we are presented with it, not as how we would like it to be. This includes my own flaws, if they are pointed out to me. Acceptance, without blame or self-pity.

I believe that anxiety and worry are dysfunctional in 99% of situations, as they rarely makethings better in the moment. If they arrives, it is good to acknowledge them, but then give yourself permission to let go of them and concentrate on the situation itself rather than the fear it provokes.

I am decisive in what I do, in the sense of having the courage to make descisions and the sense not to regret them once they are made. I believe I can affect the world around me and also choose how I interpret or react to it - and it is me, who therefore makes myself happy or sad, not the objective outside world. I believe that I alone am responsible for my own happiness and well-being, both physical and emotional.

I do not believe in goals, but my aim in life is development as a person, both in understanding the world around and inside me, and helping others do the same.

I will not embody all these principles in all situations, as I am only human, but I strive to live by all of them as I believe they lead to a healthier life than the alternatives.

This is me. Now.

Masks

Two things I have started to notice increasingly more often in the past few weeks:

1) My throat is sore after speaking, often even after brief conversations. I presume the reason is using a different pitch and/or timbre of voice to what I normally use.

2) A set of mimic muscles in my face also tense up after conversations, and are often quite hard to relax afterwards. The muscles, when tense, seem to be producing a slight, condescending smile.

Both are most probably defense mechanisms - used to keep a fair social distance, because I do not have resources left to risk letting new people close to me.

Again confirming my suspicions I really need to start working to get my life on track in terms of energy levels. For now, I am greatly thankful for the few close friends I do have.

Happiness

Honesty with yourself is probably the best basis for a good life one can have.

Considering this, my last post was somewhat off the mark. I did enjoy the weekend, and Saturday was indeed exactly what I needed but in the rest...

I have exhausted myself with work, to the point where I really do not have anything left to give to the people around me - neither to the new acquaintances nor to my old friends.

Not that I do not enjoy being with people - quite the opposite, at least with my old friends. It feels somewhat better than it has in the past - probably because the anxiety has faded and I feel I can actually relax and be myself around people - and am somewhat forced to be so, due to lack of energy.

Nevertheless, I would like to reciprocate more. Offer up fun ideas, and do them. Be more active, take the lead. The normal reaction would be to want to jump right into it and just do it, but at the moment, it feels like too much work. A sure sign something is wrong.

So time to make some revisions:

Three meals a day,

At most 2 cups of coffee a day, (1, e.v.)

8+ hrs of sleep, habitually,

Taiji, two times a week.

Also, cutting down on (already fairly low-key) social life for a while might be a good idea.

Or, rather, being a bit more honest with what I want and need (and risk upsetting the other person and being rejected). I don't really think I have much to lose, but I do have quite a bit to gain.

Someone to cuddle up and watch "Groundhog day" with, for instance. With no anxiety or expectations as to what should or will happen after.

Happiness doesn't take much. In fact, I think I have come to realize that it doesn't take anything. It is not a state of having, but a state of being...

And it is not as if I am missing something from my life... except for 2 out of 3 meals a day, but this should be easy to fix.

It's not like you to resign to your fate

There are days I *really* wish the world worked by a different logic than it actually does.

But the fact of life is it does not. And one could bitch and moan about it all one wants, the logic will not change. To get something, you have to work for it, and whether you "deserve it" or not has relatively little if anything at all to do with it.

In some sense, it is the most fair of all the possible ways things can be. Those, who can conqueror their fears and laziness are the ones that succeed - not those with innate "gifts" or "good moral character".

Trouble, of course, being that effort is hard. Especially when you encounter setbacks. But that is essentially what separates people - whether they have the strength to keep pushing, or just give up.

I have gone the latter route way too long now in one aspect of my life. Time to turn things around and get it handled. After all, it is only myself who is holding me back.

Deep down inside I think you know - You are free!

For most of my life, I have had a nagging feeling at the back of my head that I am constantly doing something wrong. I was doubting myself at every step, always thinking if others would do it better than me.

And it turns out that it was right, kindof.

So what was it? Simple: Doubting myself! Or rather, my right to be myself.

Recent past has helped purge that doubt, one small step at a time.

Which, just to clarify, does not mean that I think I am infallible, but rather that I am entitled to my mistakes - as, after all, that is what being human means.

Daoism has made a comeback in my life, but I now interpret the teachings in a somewhat new key. Dalai Lamas "The Art of Happiness" also helped clarify a few points as did Richard Fromms "The Art of Loving" - which both preach the same message: you first need to learn to love yourself before you can love others. Most importantly, however, both stress that it is a skill - i.e. something that you not only can but must learn.

Quoting Eminem (because I just love obsucre and out of context pop music references):

But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?

And indeed, looking back on my life, I haven't really had people in my life to teach me how to be fully human until just fairly recently. Most people around me have also had the same problem I was facing - so no wonder I inherited it from them, as I had no other examples to learn from. Which is not to say I blame anyone - rather, I feel a bit sad, for both them and myself in the past.

In any case, I am thankful for having had the opportunity to learn what I have, even if it has come as late as it has, for I fear most people never get the opportunity.

Not that I am at the end of my journey... for there is no such thing.

All the world's a stage

Went to Pärnu for theater two days ago. "For Hecuba", as the piece was called. Best theatrical experience I have had in my life. This despite really crappy seats...

The evening was followed with a bike-ride through darkening Pärnu, a visit to an old friend's grave, accompanying her mother... A deep and long discussion, followed by a night of relatively little sleep.

And a somewhat uncomfortable, although enjoyable bus ride back to Tartu for a full day of work and seminars.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players
- Shakespeare

The topic of games and players has been hanging overhead these past few days. Subject of a long discussion today with A., who reminded me that one should really consider the option of not playing as a potential tactic - especially with people you actually want in your life.

Although - the distinction between playing and not playing is blurry at best and non-existent at worst. But in the end, it is just a semantic category, but what really matters is your motivations and behavior itself - and one should make sure these two are aligned. Especially in terms of long-term goals.

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
-- "Schism" by Tool

In the end of January, my life literally came crashing down. One of my employers had no use for me, the other just had a managerial change. My girlfriend broke up with me. And one of my best friends died. Not a good place to be.

However, it is not what happens to us but what we make of it that counts. And looking back on the half a year that has since passed... well, I am a stronger and better adjusted person now. Moreso than ever before. And I doubt I would have made this progress without having hit the bottom.

For it is the hard and painful experiences that force us to deal with our problems. A life full of comfort and security quickly turns stale, and the only way forward is through continual change.

My life is slowly coming together now. Ideas for both near and far future. To an outside observer, it may well look like I am doing 10 completely unrelated things, but for myself, there is a general guiding principle - like a 10 voice polyphonic composition, where the strains, though distinct, are still guided by one guiding idea.

The great art of counterpoint in living. An art I have by no means mastered, so there is still some cacophony in what is going on. But as the only way to get good at something is by trying things out and experimenting with them, I view the occasional lapses as a prerequisite to progress.

For it does not make sense to fear failure any more. After all, being wrong is an opportunity, even a privilege.

Welcome to life damnation

Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to go,
Welcome to life damnation!
Welcome to fun,
Welcome to hope,
Here is your invitation!
- Edguy, "Overture"

Yesterday I realized that - in a way - I have reached the end of the line. I am at a point where I really have nothing that I can meaningfully work towards achieving. The things I want, I either have or have no way of pursuing. Or rather, any pursuit thereof would only drive them further away.

Gloomy... in a sense... as I am having to battle with the despair of complete pointlessness.

But also very freeing - for if there really is nothing I could usefully do, I can stop worrying about these things and do stuff I actually find fun.

Extreme ups followed by despairing downs... and this rollercoaster may well keep on going for a while. Guess I'm in for a fun ride.

Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance

Its surprising how insightful pop songs turn out to be sometimes. Especially if you engage in some selective interpretation.

The subject for today: Limp Bizkit's "Lonely world"

Had a lot of fun living life on the run,
Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance
Everything was free and everything was fast
Never even thought it wouldn't last

Yep. Its very easy if you have specific and fixed goals in life. Like graduating high school, then university, then earning your PhD... Or finding a girlfriend and a future wife. And once that happens... well... you rarely if ever think past that, because - well, these goals are definitely worthwhile, so who cares what comes after?

You are basically living in a myth you have created for yourself. You are on a magical quest that will grant you salvation if you finish it, at which point you will live happily ever after. Or at least so you believe.

One slight problem with that though: real life and fairy tales are two very different things. But, since you are constantly in a hurry, you somehow fail to notice that small but significant detail.

Or rather, you build your world view based on such a conception, so this is essentially how the world seems to work for you.. and you build your world view around that - making this core assumption hard to criticize.

So. The aim of your life is to achieve the desired goals as fast and effectively as possible. So, everything that gets you closer is useful and meaningful. And everything that doesnt, isn't.

However, sooner or later you realize that this is so only for yourself. Others have different goals, aims and ways. But you adapt by just letting others do as they want. Your goal, concerning others, is just to understand their behavior, so you could best account for it in choosing your own actions. Criticism is pointless, for it causes conflicts, which only slow down progress towards The Goal. You soon become pretty good at giving interpretations to other peoples behaviors. However, you rarely, if ever validate them with others - which means you end up with a very good theory that is often useless in practice. In short:

When you go the mind of a man in the middle
Life is just a big fat riddle, so figure it out
Always thinking that you know
Every little thing there is to know.
Buy you don't really know, ya know?

At some point, reality comes knocking at your door. Hard.

You either fail at one of your goals. Or even worse, you succeed. And ask yourself the inevitable question: What now?

And have your world collapse into tiny pieces. Pieces that used to fit together, but no longer do.

One way forward would be to set a new goal and start running blindly towards that. But that seems... pointless... for you know achieving that will make you no more happier than you currently are. And you are not happy.

So you realize that the problem is deeply rooted in your conception of the world. In your innermost core beliefs. The ones you just know, beyond question. Because if you could question them, they would instantly collapse because of their sheer idiocity.

But you now know they exist. You may not be able to find them yourself but - hey, what are friends for?

So you ask your friends. And they tell you that you are living in a stupid myth about salvation and that it is driving all of them crazy.

So you start looking for a better alternative. And look at what they are doing themselves. And realize many of them have myths even stupider than yours is... but some don't. So you try to understand how their belief systems work.

So what do they believe?
That you are not in a hurry to get anywhere. You are allowed to take your time. You have the perfect right to be who you are, as you are. And so do others. That everything around you is real, but all the worry is illusory.

With the mind of a man in the middle
It could be the end of the world as we know it
Still I never want it all, and I never want it now
I just want to cruise, if I loose then I'll figure it out

Constantly in motion, but still at rest on some deeper level. They have what one of my friends called a "metaphysical shelter" - something inside them to fall back on when everything outside has hit the rocks. Belief that everything will be alright, or rather that everything IS alright.

True confidence. Not that stupid posing and game-playing people often mistake for self-confidence.

You contrast this with your own previous belief about salvation through hard work and have a good laugh.

At yourself. And the world around you.

And then start putting the pieces back together. And find that although some have to be thrown out, you do not have to start from scratch either. After all, you have a life full of experiences behind you and it is just a matter of interpreting them in the new framework.

How the times flies, even with the blink of an eye
When you're young you absorb like a sponge in disguise
Then you get a little older and gather your thoughts
It's amazing what you learn
When you've never been taught, ya know?


Phew. This is probably way more meaning than the song originally intended.

But somehow it clicked with me, and I have the perfect right to overinterpret it.

The perfect right :)

We both have truths, are mine the same as yours?

- Pilate's song from Jesus Christ Superstar

It is only lately it is beginning to dawn on me that there really is no one single reality, but rather that everyone has their own. Or rather, that this is normal, and not something that should be changed at all costs.

But yes, sometimes it is better to accept that you have your own view of the world, while someone else has a completely different take, and that both of you are correct in some sense.

For some conflicts, the resolution requires the unification of world views of the two people. But this is not always so.

O ye that reject Faith!
I worship not that which ye worship,
Nor will ye worship that which I worship.
And I will not worship that which ye have been wont to worship,
Nor will ye worship that which I worship.
To you be your Way, and to me mine.

- Qu'ran, surah 109 "The Atheists"

And even for the cases where the unification is desirable, "talking it out" might not be possible, or reasonable. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Especially repeated actions.

Which of course makes allegations of the form "you always do X" that much harder to disprove too. Ah well, life's a bitch and then you die.

Perfect right

"If the people want laws, they have a perfect right to pass them. The criminal has a perfect right to break them, the police have a perfect right to arrest him, the judge has a perfect right to sentence him to jail, and so on."

- Raymond Smullyan

This has been my favorite quote since I first read it. However, I had now clue how deep it actually runs until two days ago, where a friend of mine spontaneously started sharing her insights on that topic.

I'm still quite sure I do not grasp the idea in its whole entirety and quite a bit of what she said to me is still way above my head. Nonetheless, some of it got through.

People have the perfect right to be who they are and to act as they see fit. Especially if a person feels good being who she is and his surroundings accept her for what she is.

Just as importantly, however - people have the right to not accept certain actions of other people - for instance when they perceive them as hurtful, inconsiderate or hostile. They have the right to react - to get hurt and to let the other person know that this has happened and why. Especially if the reaction is sincere.

However, a person that got hurt has no right to expect the other person to change his behavior. He might, if he feels that it is the right thing to do and wants to do better in the future.

In the end, it is up to the person who got hurt to decide what to do next. If the other party is willing to accept his mistake and do better, things can go on as before. If not, well, then one has a choice.

If it is just a casual acquaintance, it may well make sense to just steer clear of that person from then on. However, if it is someone close to you, things are somewhat different.

One possibility is to accept the person as she is and love her, her faults included - because noone is perfect and, more often than not, the few bad things are outweighed by all the good. And it is possible they may eventually want to change the more hurtful aspects, especially if the fact that they are hurting you hurts them too (i.e. if they really care about you). But you cannot really rush things - the wish has to come from within themselves.

Another one is to cut your losses and just move on - because, it is their choice if they wish to persist in hurting you, and you are allowed to use your freedom and just walk away.

It is important to realize that true closeness is only possible between two people who have both mutual and self-respect. The key is to respect the other persons own judgements and decisions, but not to the point where they surpass your own. To accept the other for who she is, and you for who you are, and not to try to force one over the other - or put up with someone doing the same to you.

After all, I want my partner to be my equal, not my slave. Which means, I expect her to have her own opinions, views and feelings. I expect her to be independent enough to contradict me and act on her own best judgement (even if I may not like it at the time) - and I expect her to let me do the same. And that this is the most valuable thing in a relationship - for, if you truly respect the other persons right to disagree with you, without washing it under the carpet (i.e. she's just too emotional, she doesn't know better, etc. ) ... well, I suppose that is the closest to "unconditional love" that is possible.

All my life I have had a bad tendency of getting mad at people who do not behave exactly like I would like them to behave. It seems that it's a game I play, and not a particularily healthy one at that. Now I only need to figure out how to stop playing it. And again - compassion is probably the way to go... and as Buddhists say, the first step is Awareness.

Just to write it down

As quite a few people ask me what my plans are after graduating, I thought I'd write them down. (Also, its good to have them down for reference for my future self)

So: In the semester that follows, I will Quit Cybernetica AS and move to uni full-time, where I will hopefully:

a) Give two lecture courses, "Introduction to Informatics" and "Programming 1"

b) Become the Study Councilor of our institute - so help resolve all sorts of organizational problems for the students.

c) Set up an after-hours study session where students can come ask for help about the courses for the first two years of bachelor's studies.

d) Be in charge of training our new teaching assistants.

At the moment, I am just writing up ideas and drafting documents that will hopefully one day become job descriptions for b,c and d. The main goal for the first semester is to finish these documents, i.e. figure out what actually needs doing and how to best go about it. I have enough ideas to start with but it is realistic most of them need to be reconsidered multiple times during the course of actual work.

Nevertheless, I do not want to jump into the matter unprepared and waste considerable effort reinventing the wheel. So I am doing research. For instance, today I met up with one of the graduates from "Noored kooli", who gave me an overview of how they were trained and what got him to where he is as a teacher. I also plan to have a chat with someone from Southwestern on similar topics. And last weeks visit to IT College was also to figure out what makes their system work better than ours. We also have ideas to use machine learning to determine the students most at risk of dropping out, so we could work with them directly as well. So work is ongoing.

Nevertheless, there is a lot of uncertainty there, as it doesn't happen often that you get to write your own job descriptions. Everything in this list is something I look forward to doing. But taken together, they may be biting off a bit more than I could chew, and I have considerable anxiety because of that.

I'd surrender, if only I could

I have come to realize quite a few important things over the past few days.

Firstly - emotional closeness is built on common experiences. Not talking, but just hanging out with no reason, or doing something fun. Devoting time to people that are important to you. Validating your understanding of their words through the feedback process of seeing their actual behavior. And that is the point of parties or get-togethers and going out drinking together. The point of all the activities I have systematically ignored as meaningless.

No wonder I feel distant from the world. And this is one of those things that you cannot really fix overnight - especially if your friends don't invite you anywhere any more because they "know" how it will turn out.

Secondly - this closeness has to be there with a girl before it can develop into anything more for me. Otherwise, it just feels so wrong. And not in some absolute moral sense. Just emotionally. Raw wrongness. Even with a nice, intelligent girl who I could see myself with... Learned this the hard way recently -- and yes, I'm capable of feeling like complete crap the morning after, even when practically nothing happened the night before.

Some days I just wish I could be like normal men my age.

Thirdly - we are all victims of our past experiences. And old habit, once developed, are hard to change. Same goes for assumptions about your friends. If a friend of yours used to be a complete moron and a prick, you still assume he behaves that way even when he has actually changed and does not do that any more with others. But since you so expect this to be the case, this is what ends up happening, partially because that is the only thing you look for in his behavior, and partially because he is used to interacting with you in those ways and is also a victim of his own habits.

The only way out of that situation is to confront it, and have both sides acknowledge this might be the case. Because it doesn't really help if just one side changes his ways.

All three points are important lessons to be learned, of course. It's just that I am tired of pushing forward in my social and emotional development. The past few months have probably aged me more than the two years preceding them - but the further I go, the more clearly I see the long road still ahead. Then again, that is always the case with true progress.

I have failed, I have been forsaken
I've been scorned and misunderstood
I have lost, my life has been taken
I'd surrender if only I could

-- Ayreon, The Charm of the Seer

But, as usual, surrender is not really an option, so I will just keep moving onwards. Not always easy, but worth it, at least judging by the past descisions.

Non-Hamiltonian Thoughts

A Graph (in computer science terms) is a collection of points and lines (edges) that connect them. Like this:

The points and the lines can symbolize many different things. For instance, points can be cities and lines can be roads. Or points can be people and an edge can mean that the two people it connects are friends.

For the purposes of this post, the points are different thoughts and facts and the line between any two of them means that they are connected.

Now, when I start writing an essay (or a blog post), one of the first things I do is gather up all my thoughts that might be relevant to the topic in my head. I then try to find a narrative that passes through all of them but proceeds smoothly from one thought to the next. This usually means that every new thought has to be connected to the one directly preceding it, which means that the essay turns out to be a "walk" in the Thought graph - you start at one point and then move along the edges until you eventually finish at some other point.

You usually have an idea what thought you want to end up at. And finding a path from the starting thought to the ending one is usually not hard. So, in formal terms, essay writing is in P.

However, imagine a different problem. You have some problem that you want to discuss with a friend. You want to give her all the relevant background information.. and you would prefer to give an essay-like presentation, smoothly moving from one point to the other without repeating yourself. In graph-theoretic terms, this is the problem of finding a Hamiltonian path.

And the sad fact is that for most graphs, this is impossible to do, and, even when it is theoretically possible, it is NP-hard to find such a graph.

So even when you have a fairly good idea about all that you would like to talk about, it is still hard, if not impossible, to formulate them in a linear and coherent way - especially if the graph is not connected enough.

As a corollary: topic jumps and/or repeating yourself are sometimes unavoidable, and should thus be seen as a normal part of conversation. After all, they are the only two solutions that still allow you to cover all of the graph.

Tough Love

I started reading "The Last Lecture", written by Randy Pausch, a computer scientist who was dying of cancer at the time (and who has since passed away, but who did give a fabulous last lecture before he did). The guy really reminds me of me, or rather what I would like to be. He was smart and he knew it (read: arrogant). Chaotic and didn't care much about material posessions. Witty, and honest about his strenghts as well as his weaknesses. Likes cliches. One of the best lecturers in his faculty, but "being considered the best speaker in a computer science department is like being known as the tallest of the Seven Dwarves".

Most of the first half of the book is filled with descriptions of people pushing him forward by giving him honest feedback. His father, his football coach, his academic supervisor. The things they said or did were not usually nice. But they were just the right things to push him to become the person he eventually did. I have had many similar experiences, with the most painful ones having given me the most help when looked at in the long run.

He writes:
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care for you, and want to make you better."

The responsibility of an educator is to help his students advance. And, as I know from experience, being nice to the students and believing in them goes a long way towards that. And this tactic is fairly safe, as no harm will come to either you or the students. Being nice to everyone is the easy way to go. But it is not always the most efficient thing. Or the right thing.

Quoting Prof. Pausch again
"It's an accepted cliche in education that the number one goal of teachers should be to help students learn how to learn. I always saw the value in that, sure, but in my mind, a better number one goal was this: I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves."

Giving honest feedback in a way that it actually helps the other person is tricky, however. "Getting people to welcome feedback was the hardest thing I had to do as an educator", Randy comments. You have to make sure that they are ready to receive it, do not interpret it as a threat to their identity and are willing and capable of changing themselves. To do it properly, you really do have to care for the person.

This only reminds me just how lucky I am with the friends that I have. They point out my flaws when they see them. Sometimes too early, so that I only later understand what they mean, and sometimes a bit late, as when I have already managed to hurt them by my ignorance. But what matters is that they do it. And not because they think badly of me, but because they care.

There is an analogue with massage therapy. There is the relaxing massage, that feels nice during therapy and for a little while after. And then there is massage during which you feel like screaming for half an hour straight but then feel more relieved and free than you have ever been and the feeling lasts for days or even longer. Undoubtedly both help. But given the choice, I would prefer the second.

With back massages, I also tend to give the second type. But with my students my approach to teaching tends more towards the soft, safe version. And the same is also true with my friends. They give me honest feedback, but I rarely manage to return the favor.

Part of it is the fact that I try to look for the good in people. The other part is that I actively repress, or at least used to repress, all negative emotions (anger, resentment, disappointment, disgust) concerning other people. It is only lately that I have come to realize that the feelings are there for a reason, and that they can provide invaluable information and insight if I only learn to listen. But it is hard, if you have a long history of pure denial behind you.

All this has also made me realize the true value of compassion, extolled as the highest of virtues by nearly all of worlds religions. Compassion is what allows you to take the negative as what it is -- merely a signal that something is wrong, no more, no less. Compassion to others helps you see the hurt and pain that causes them to hurt you. Compassion to yourself allows you to forgive you your own negative emotions and to let them be, instead of pushing them out. And it has also made me realize just how hard it can be to practice. Taiji does help, and most other meditative practices will probably do the same, but it is still hard most of the time.

Respecting others means also respecting their right to make their own mistakes (for who knows, what you think is a mistake might turn out not to be). Compassion to others means forgiving them once they have chosen to learn from those mistakes and try to do better. And not holding it against them if they take time doing so. This is the famous Parable of the Prodigal son.

Which of course does not imply you need to hold your breath waiting. Or that you need to have a cow ready to offer when the son does finally return. Life goes on, after all.

"Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."
-- Randy Pausch to the woman he loved