Perfect right

"If the people want laws, they have a perfect right to pass them. The criminal has a perfect right to break them, the police have a perfect right to arrest him, the judge has a perfect right to sentence him to jail, and so on."

- Raymond Smullyan

This has been my favorite quote since I first read it. However, I had now clue how deep it actually runs until two days ago, where a friend of mine spontaneously started sharing her insights on that topic.

I'm still quite sure I do not grasp the idea in its whole entirety and quite a bit of what she said to me is still way above my head. Nonetheless, some of it got through.

People have the perfect right to be who they are and to act as they see fit. Especially if a person feels good being who she is and his surroundings accept her for what she is.

Just as importantly, however - people have the right to not accept certain actions of other people - for instance when they perceive them as hurtful, inconsiderate or hostile. They have the right to react - to get hurt and to let the other person know that this has happened and why. Especially if the reaction is sincere.

However, a person that got hurt has no right to expect the other person to change his behavior. He might, if he feels that it is the right thing to do and wants to do better in the future.

In the end, it is up to the person who got hurt to decide what to do next. If the other party is willing to accept his mistake and do better, things can go on as before. If not, well, then one has a choice.

If it is just a casual acquaintance, it may well make sense to just steer clear of that person from then on. However, if it is someone close to you, things are somewhat different.

One possibility is to accept the person as she is and love her, her faults included - because noone is perfect and, more often than not, the few bad things are outweighed by all the good. And it is possible they may eventually want to change the more hurtful aspects, especially if the fact that they are hurting you hurts them too (i.e. if they really care about you). But you cannot really rush things - the wish has to come from within themselves.

Another one is to cut your losses and just move on - because, it is their choice if they wish to persist in hurting you, and you are allowed to use your freedom and just walk away.

It is important to realize that true closeness is only possible between two people who have both mutual and self-respect. The key is to respect the other persons own judgements and decisions, but not to the point where they surpass your own. To accept the other for who she is, and you for who you are, and not to try to force one over the other - or put up with someone doing the same to you.

After all, I want my partner to be my equal, not my slave. Which means, I expect her to have her own opinions, views and feelings. I expect her to be independent enough to contradict me and act on her own best judgement (even if I may not like it at the time) - and I expect her to let me do the same. And that this is the most valuable thing in a relationship - for, if you truly respect the other persons right to disagree with you, without washing it under the carpet (i.e. she's just too emotional, she doesn't know better, etc. ) ... well, I suppose that is the closest to "unconditional love" that is possible.

All my life I have had a bad tendency of getting mad at people who do not behave exactly like I would like them to behave. It seems that it's a game I play, and not a particularily healthy one at that. Now I only need to figure out how to stop playing it. And again - compassion is probably the way to go... and as Buddhists say, the first step is Awareness.