Deep down inside I think you know - You are free!

For most of my life, I have had a nagging feeling at the back of my head that I am constantly doing something wrong. I was doubting myself at every step, always thinking if others would do it better than me.

And it turns out that it was right, kindof.

So what was it? Simple: Doubting myself! Or rather, my right to be myself.

Recent past has helped purge that doubt, one small step at a time.

Which, just to clarify, does not mean that I think I am infallible, but rather that I am entitled to my mistakes - as, after all, that is what being human means.

Daoism has made a comeback in my life, but I now interpret the teachings in a somewhat new key. Dalai Lamas "The Art of Happiness" also helped clarify a few points as did Richard Fromms "The Art of Loving" - which both preach the same message: you first need to learn to love yourself before you can love others. Most importantly, however, both stress that it is a skill - i.e. something that you not only can but must learn.

Quoting Eminem (because I just love obsucre and out of context pop music references):

But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?

And indeed, looking back on my life, I haven't really had people in my life to teach me how to be fully human until just fairly recently. Most people around me have also had the same problem I was facing - so no wonder I inherited it from them, as I had no other examples to learn from. Which is not to say I blame anyone - rather, I feel a bit sad, for both them and myself in the past.

In any case, I am thankful for having had the opportunity to learn what I have, even if it has come as late as it has, for I fear most people never get the opportunity.

Not that I am at the end of my journey... for there is no such thing.

Staring into space

Second night in the row now, I am left at 1 a clock unable to do nothing except stare into space.

For I am tired - too tired to think or read, even to watch TV - but still unable to fall asleep.

D.-s death still hasn't set in. I feel it pushing on my chest though, hanging overhead, like a dark cloud, clearly there, lurking, but unwilling to release the hailstorm it contains.

And there is something else. Concerning M. But again, I just feel it, without yet being able to pin down the reasons or even the character of it's existence.

Part of me wants to put off dealing with both things. But that is just delaying the inevitable. Then again, I see no way of forcing the storm down myself, so I guess only time will tell.

Today was a Monday

Despite it actually being Tuesday. Mainly because yesterday, it felt like a Sunday.

Anyways, it was a good Monday. I woke up fairly early, to catch a bus to Tallinn. Got some work done on the bus (on an e-learning manual I was asked to help with).

While sitting in a bus in Tallin, an ex classmate of mine rode by me on her bike and waved. I waved back. That was a nice coincidence.

In Tallinn, I had a doctor's appointment, because I thought I had an ear infection. The doctor confirmed my suspicions, but said it was an ear canal problem (as opposed to inner ear) and should clear up on its own. When I told her about feeling tired all the time, she said it was normal, with the heat and the time differential and the coffee I have been drinking.

After getting to my mom's, I had to run a few errands - first go and buy a gift for my first cousin and then to return some books for my mom. That took about 2 hours, after which I got back just in time to catch a ride to that said first cousin's birthday.

The birthday was, like most of our family gatherings, somewhat ackward. Since no-one really had anything to talk about with the others, people just complained, either about their own lives or about the food (which was, in their defense, a bit undercooked in some cases). My cousin made occasional snyde remarks on these topics, but it seems that sarcasm is something that is beyond most of my relatives. I enjoyed it though - and a healthy dose of it does come in handy in situations like these.

I gave him the book "Games people play" - probably one of the most sensible practical psychology books out there.. at least a fun read, if nothing else. I bought one copy for myself too.

About the preceeding week.. or rather, preceeding two weeks... I would like to quote Metallica:
"Careful what you wish, you may regret it;
Careful what you wish, you just might get it".
If anything, I have only come to realize just how screwed up I really am.

But, well, at least now I know what I should be dealing with :)

Life is.. life

At least things are finally unambiguous with M. Only wish it would have happened a bit sooner so I had better circumstances under which to deal with it. Like Australia.

Not that what I currently have is bad or anything. Submitted the camera-ready version today and looked over the code I wrote in Denmark with Dan. Then got home to cook Seitan and watch three episodes of "How I met your mother". Then met up with Riinu and watched a movie with her. Then went for a swim with A. at roughly half to one at night. That was also fun, considering we hadn't talked for over half a year.

All in all, not too bad of a day. Still feel a bit shabby, though. But that will pass. What happened is actually for the better. It will just take some time to set in.

Learning to breathe again

It is easy to forget just how beautiful the world really is.. especially when being overworked. Thankfully, it all came back to me today. I took a walk to the seaside and then back through a park. The night-time is truly beautiful - stars in the sky, distant lights reflecting from the lake surface through the trees, streetlights providing for beautiful light-and-dark contrasts.

When under stress, both mind and body tense up. Letting it all just fade away into the darkness, feeling the tension just lifting away, freeing oneself to literally be able to breathe deeply again.

Such experiences are few and far between for me, but I am thankful for every single one of them. They cleanse, refresh, restore the balance and give strength to face what is yet to come.