Tough Love

I started reading "The Last Lecture", written by Randy Pausch, a computer scientist who was dying of cancer at the time (and who has since passed away, but who did give a fabulous last lecture before he did). The guy really reminds me of me, or rather what I would like to be. He was smart and he knew it (read: arrogant). Chaotic and didn't care much about material posessions. Witty, and honest about his strenghts as well as his weaknesses. Likes cliches. One of the best lecturers in his faculty, but "being considered the best speaker in a computer science department is like being known as the tallest of the Seven Dwarves".

Most of the first half of the book is filled with descriptions of people pushing him forward by giving him honest feedback. His father, his football coach, his academic supervisor. The things they said or did were not usually nice. But they were just the right things to push him to become the person he eventually did. I have had many similar experiences, with the most painful ones having given me the most help when looked at in the long run.

He writes:
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care for you, and want to make you better."

The responsibility of an educator is to help his students advance. And, as I know from experience, being nice to the students and believing in them goes a long way towards that. And this tactic is fairly safe, as no harm will come to either you or the students. Being nice to everyone is the easy way to go. But it is not always the most efficient thing. Or the right thing.

Quoting Prof. Pausch again
"It's an accepted cliche in education that the number one goal of teachers should be to help students learn how to learn. I always saw the value in that, sure, but in my mind, a better number one goal was this: I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves."

Giving honest feedback in a way that it actually helps the other person is tricky, however. "Getting people to welcome feedback was the hardest thing I had to do as an educator", Randy comments. You have to make sure that they are ready to receive it, do not interpret it as a threat to their identity and are willing and capable of changing themselves. To do it properly, you really do have to care for the person.

This only reminds me just how lucky I am with the friends that I have. They point out my flaws when they see them. Sometimes too early, so that I only later understand what they mean, and sometimes a bit late, as when I have already managed to hurt them by my ignorance. But what matters is that they do it. And not because they think badly of me, but because they care.

There is an analogue with massage therapy. There is the relaxing massage, that feels nice during therapy and for a little while after. And then there is massage during which you feel like screaming for half an hour straight but then feel more relieved and free than you have ever been and the feeling lasts for days or even longer. Undoubtedly both help. But given the choice, I would prefer the second.

With back massages, I also tend to give the second type. But with my students my approach to teaching tends more towards the soft, safe version. And the same is also true with my friends. They give me honest feedback, but I rarely manage to return the favor.

Part of it is the fact that I try to look for the good in people. The other part is that I actively repress, or at least used to repress, all negative emotions (anger, resentment, disappointment, disgust) concerning other people. It is only lately that I have come to realize that the feelings are there for a reason, and that they can provide invaluable information and insight if I only learn to listen. But it is hard, if you have a long history of pure denial behind you.

All this has also made me realize the true value of compassion, extolled as the highest of virtues by nearly all of worlds religions. Compassion is what allows you to take the negative as what it is -- merely a signal that something is wrong, no more, no less. Compassion to others helps you see the hurt and pain that causes them to hurt you. Compassion to yourself allows you to forgive you your own negative emotions and to let them be, instead of pushing them out. And it has also made me realize just how hard it can be to practice. Taiji does help, and most other meditative practices will probably do the same, but it is still hard most of the time.

Respecting others means also respecting their right to make their own mistakes (for who knows, what you think is a mistake might turn out not to be). Compassion to others means forgiving them once they have chosen to learn from those mistakes and try to do better. And not holding it against them if they take time doing so. This is the famous Parable of the Prodigal son.

Which of course does not imply you need to hold your breath waiting. Or that you need to have a cow ready to offer when the son does finally return. Life goes on, after all.

"Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."
-- Randy Pausch to the woman he loved

Don't try this at home

Me and Riinu went to the countryside yesterday to visit her grandparents. Mostly a fun and relaxing trip.

When we got off the train at Valga, we got picked up by her grandfather. Riinu asked if he would drive us to go fetch a bike lock she had left somewhere about 15 km away around a post, when she had left in a hurry a few weeks back. I bet her (a beer) that it would not be there, since she had left it unlocked. However, when we got there, it had been moved a bit but was still there - so I got her a beer at the nearest gas station.

When we got to her grandparents house, we were greeted by their overly friendly dog Sammy. We had sandwiches for breakfast and then watched a few episodes from some TV shows from the laptop before heading out for mushrooms.

I had not went gathering mushrooms for over 10 years. It showed - she returned with her pail nearly full, while mine had maybe only a third of it filled. The forests were really full of shrooms though. Problem was, quite a few of them had worms inside already. Nevertheless, it was quite fun.

We then proceeded to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Mushrooms with garlic, onion and sour cream. Delicious. I did most of the cooking. Me, Riinu and her grandma talked about cooking for nearly 2 hours.

There was also a 5-year old girl there whom I had a brief discussion with. She was very intelligent for her age - could add and subtract up to 10, could read pretty well and was already learning to write with handwriting letters - all that two years before going to the first grade. She was also pretty social and could keep up a fairly interesting conversation :=)

We then went to the other building and watched one more episode of "The Outer Limits" before heading to sauna. They have a very good one - which due to a lot of moisture is already quite strong at 65-70 C. Also, they had a nice pond nearby with cool water.

After a few rounds in the sauna, we decided to call it a day and she filled three pails with water - one cool, one warm and one near-boiling. Problem was, I did not know which one was which.. so I stuffed my hands into the one with near-boiling water. Not fun.

I quickly ran to the pond and held my hands in the cool water for a few minutes. I then returned to the sauna - only to discover that even the front room temperature (35 C maybe) was unbearable to my hands (so I had to water them down every now and then). This was just the beginning, however, as pretty soon all I could do was hold my hands in cool water. After about an hour, I finally decided to call Ma., who is a 5. year medical student. She said I should seek immediate medical help... so we woke up the grandfather and he drove us to the emergency room in valga where they tied my hands up. In the car, I held my hands out of the window most of the time for the pain to be bearable, but that was not an option while waiting in the emergency room, where even the room temperature felt like holding my hands inside a flame. And then they tied my arms up in fairly thick bandages that formed mits - so it got even warmer and even harder to bear. They told me that it was too early to tell how bad the damage was but that I should check back the next day.

We got back and then watched yet another episode of outer limits - on a bed in an unheated room with the door open with me holding my hands straight up above my head (to decrease circulation of warm blood there). Paracetamol was not helping much and it was still highly uncomfortable. I could not imagine how I could get to sleep.

Nevertheless, it turned out to be somewhat easier than first feared. Initially, it was just very cold - as I had to keep my arms out of the sleeping bag and I was essentially sleeping just next to the open door. At some point, however, pain started receeding and I could pull my arms inside the bag and close the door. Next thing I remember is waking up.

Morning went pretty slowly. I woke up Riinu, we had coffee and then just lounged around for a while. Then she made lunch after which we got dropped back to Valga for me to catch a train and for her to do some shopping.

In the emergency room in Tartu, they retied the bandages and told me to go see my family doctor on Wednesday. Since she is still in Tallinn, however, I plan to make due with Ma. and her friend S. who had plans to visit me on Tuesday evening anyway.

All in all - I am very grateful to have as good friends as I have. Riinu helped me out with quite a few things without even asking and Ma. was also very happy to come and retie my bandages Tuesday.