It's not like you to resign to your fate

There are days I *really* wish the world worked by a different logic than it actually does.

But the fact of life is it does not. And one could bitch and moan about it all one wants, the logic will not change. To get something, you have to work for it, and whether you "deserve it" or not has relatively little if anything at all to do with it.

In some sense, it is the most fair of all the possible ways things can be. Those, who can conqueror their fears and laziness are the ones that succeed - not those with innate "gifts" or "good moral character".

Trouble, of course, being that effort is hard. Especially when you encounter setbacks. But that is essentially what separates people - whether they have the strength to keep pushing, or just give up.

I have gone the latter route way too long now in one aspect of my life. Time to turn things around and get it handled. After all, it is only myself who is holding me back.

All things must pass

I just gave two fairly good and motivating lectures (judging by the feedback), but I have apparently hit bottom myself. Scary, actually.

I just want to fall down and...

Not even think, for I did something very stupid... very stupid... and only time will tell how bad the reprecussions for it are.

The next few days are going to be interesting.

Edit: Relatively minor reprecussions, if any, it seems.

So I wither

But I feel I'm getting nowhere,

and I'll never see the end.

So I wither,

and render myself helpless;

I give in, and everything is clear;
I break down,
and let the story guide me.

- "Wither", Dream Theater

After the debate on Tuesday, I basically collapsed. A part of me apparently figured now there would be less stress and things to do so that it is ok to relax and take it easier... well, sadly, that part was somewhat mistaken (which is why I am at work on such a fine Saturday).

Depressive thoughts still haunt me every now and then. This morning, for instance. But I'm getting better at handling them.

So - what helps in my case? Just accepting the situation. The fact that I am sad and withering. And that it is in fact me who is rendering myself helpless. Giving in, basically - not panicking and looking for a solution but acknowleging that in the short term, there isn't anything I really can do. Breaking down, and just letting things go as they will, so to say, letting the story guide me, without trying to manage everything.

Or maybe it is just the nice weather outside. Most probably both.

Crime and punishment

For the past two days I have been discovering the joys of preparing for a public debate.

A few revelations:
a) Law texts are near impossible to read and even harder to interpret right. I have newfound respect for lawyers...

b) Homework takes time... a lot of time. Even if presentation is short, the amount of work that can go into it is enormous.

c) Processes at the level of the society are a lot more complicated than I first imagined. So much for a simple view of the world.

d) I am a bit out of my league. Thank god I am not debating my side alone. The fact is we are facing a true heavyweight, which is why I am putting in all this homework.

e) All this can be surprisingly enjoyable, as the amount of new things you learn when entering a new field is quite staggering.

I feel I should just stop reading now as my brain is nearing critical mass

Edit: For those of you interested in the result - link