Tough Love

I started reading "The Last Lecture", written by Randy Pausch, a computer scientist who was dying of cancer at the time (and who has since passed away, but who did give a fabulous last lecture before he did). The guy really reminds me of me, or rather what I would like to be. He was smart and he knew it (read: arrogant). Chaotic and didn't care much about material posessions. Witty, and honest about his strenghts as well as his weaknesses. Likes cliches. One of the best lecturers in his faculty, but "being considered the best speaker in a computer science department is like being known as the tallest of the Seven Dwarves".

Most of the first half of the book is filled with descriptions of people pushing him forward by giving him honest feedback. His father, his football coach, his academic supervisor. The things they said or did were not usually nice. But they were just the right things to push him to become the person he eventually did. I have had many similar experiences, with the most painful ones having given me the most help when looked at in the long run.

He writes:
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care for you, and want to make you better."

The responsibility of an educator is to help his students advance. And, as I know from experience, being nice to the students and believing in them goes a long way towards that. And this tactic is fairly safe, as no harm will come to either you or the students. Being nice to everyone is the easy way to go. But it is not always the most efficient thing. Or the right thing.

Quoting Prof. Pausch again
"It's an accepted cliche in education that the number one goal of teachers should be to help students learn how to learn. I always saw the value in that, sure, but in my mind, a better number one goal was this: I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves."

Giving honest feedback in a way that it actually helps the other person is tricky, however. "Getting people to welcome feedback was the hardest thing I had to do as an educator", Randy comments. You have to make sure that they are ready to receive it, do not interpret it as a threat to their identity and are willing and capable of changing themselves. To do it properly, you really do have to care for the person.

This only reminds me just how lucky I am with the friends that I have. They point out my flaws when they see them. Sometimes too early, so that I only later understand what they mean, and sometimes a bit late, as when I have already managed to hurt them by my ignorance. But what matters is that they do it. And not because they think badly of me, but because they care.

There is an analogue with massage therapy. There is the relaxing massage, that feels nice during therapy and for a little while after. And then there is massage during which you feel like screaming for half an hour straight but then feel more relieved and free than you have ever been and the feeling lasts for days or even longer. Undoubtedly both help. But given the choice, I would prefer the second.

With back massages, I also tend to give the second type. But with my students my approach to teaching tends more towards the soft, safe version. And the same is also true with my friends. They give me honest feedback, but I rarely manage to return the favor.

Part of it is the fact that I try to look for the good in people. The other part is that I actively repress, or at least used to repress, all negative emotions (anger, resentment, disappointment, disgust) concerning other people. It is only lately that I have come to realize that the feelings are there for a reason, and that they can provide invaluable information and insight if I only learn to listen. But it is hard, if you have a long history of pure denial behind you.

All this has also made me realize the true value of compassion, extolled as the highest of virtues by nearly all of worlds religions. Compassion is what allows you to take the negative as what it is -- merely a signal that something is wrong, no more, no less. Compassion to others helps you see the hurt and pain that causes them to hurt you. Compassion to yourself allows you to forgive you your own negative emotions and to let them be, instead of pushing them out. And it has also made me realize just how hard it can be to practice. Taiji does help, and most other meditative practices will probably do the same, but it is still hard most of the time.

Respecting others means also respecting their right to make their own mistakes (for who knows, what you think is a mistake might turn out not to be). Compassion to others means forgiving them once they have chosen to learn from those mistakes and try to do better. And not holding it against them if they take time doing so. This is the famous Parable of the Prodigal son.

Which of course does not imply you need to hold your breath waiting. Or that you need to have a cow ready to offer when the son does finally return. Life goes on, after all.

"Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."
-- Randy Pausch to the woman he loved

Once in a Blue Moon

Had a board game evening with my colleagues. Of the 7 people invited, 2 had fallen sick and 1 had not received the invitation ( UT mail accounts get closed a few weeks after you graduate, as I found out ). So I invited a few friends over who live close by. One of them could join us for games, but the other just promised to stop by to pick up something she had left at my place.

We had ostrich egg omelet for dinner. And yes, one egg is enough to feed 6 people. To get to the egg, you need to drill two holes in the opposite sides of the egg.. and then blow out the insides. Taste is quite comparable to that of normal chicken eggs, but there is nevertheless a difference. Can't really say which one is better, though.

The board game I had gotten for my birthday, "Robo rally", turned out to be really fun. You had to make plans for each turn.. and then watch the plan fall to pieces because of the actions of others. Who, mostly, were not even intentionally trying to screw you. Fun was had by all.

After two games, it was 11 at night and we called it quits - my colleagues wanted to go home to sleep, and I had a party I had planned to go to.

"The Equator" as it is called. The midway point between beginning and end of the bachelors programme for biology students. I attended it two years ago, and the impressions were really good. So good, in fact, that I almost did not want to go to India last year because that made me miss the party.

But I did get to go this year. And it was still pretty good.. although, unlike two years earlier, I knew just one person there this time... . but, then, what are parties for than for meeting new and interesting people. That and dancing of course.

I realised I had not been dancing for nearly a year. Shame on me. I really should do it more often. The two hours today really made me understand what I have been missing.

And, although dancing alone is also quite ok, its always better to do it with someone... especially someone you like. And then to sink into a couch alongside that person, just lay back and talk about life, universe and everything. And to send her home later on.

Seriously, what have I been doing for this past year?

Oh, right.

Hedgehogs

I met yet another person who so reminded me of M.

This time, however, he was male.

But, it was sad hearing him describe how his girlfriend has just kept on pushing and pushing, and how he has grown to like her less and less.

"I used to feel good after being together with her. This has changed."

Some things can't be forced. And sometimes, more effort does not give a better result.

Its like the hedgehogs. If you catch one, their first reaction is to curl up into a ball, so that they are prickly all over. So anywhere you touch them, you get hurt. They do not do this to hurt you, but because they are scared. But the more you try to cuddle them, the tighter they curl up and the longer they take to uncurl.

Another quote from R. that I was saving for just this post. This time two sentences;

"You have to give the other person room to love you. If you do all the loving, of course the other one is going to run out."

This is not only the case between men and women, by the way. For instance, about a week ago I realised that this is probably the main reason why me and my mother have only grown more distant as time goes on. She tries to do everything she can for me, and the more she tries, the less I let her. It's instinctive, as I am struggling to hold on to my independence and feel that her help is a threat to it. Not a very grown-up reaction, so I will try to do better from now on.

This also happens with friends sometimes. You see that a friend has a problem, and ask about it, and get the equivalent of "Mind your own business". What they really mean is "Please leave me alone, I really do not want to talk about it".. because saying "I do not want to talk about it" is usually just a way of saying "I do want to talk about it". I know all too well now, since I have been on both the giving and the receiving ends.

In such cases, asking about the reaction is the equivalent of poking the hedgehog and - again - it is best to just let the friend be. He probably knows you are there and willing to listen, and will use that opportunity when he needs it. And he probably did not mean anything bad to you, even if he said otherwise.

After all, it is a completely natural stress reaction. Reflexive. Like with hedgehogs.

Algorithms in Real Life

I was recently introduced to the algorithm for proper drinking:
You drink some alcohol. You wait.
If you do not see the effects, go to the beginning.
If you do see the effects, wait until they start wearing off,
then go to the beginning.

Apply that to emotions and you get the algorithm for the most common form of meditation:
You sense the emotions coming over you. You wait.
If they do not affect you, keep going.
If they do affect you, just try to look at them from a distance.
When they stop affecting you, go to the beginning.

For strong, overwhelming emotions, the algorithm is somewhat different though:
"Think a nice thought, about someone you care about. Go for a walk for 15 minutes. Anything to stop ruminating", as one of my co-workers said.

"You've developed from a likeable, retarded young man into an arrogant, self-centered, antisocial bastard."

Quote from "Flowers for Algernon", which really is exactly what I needed to read right about now. Quite a bit of the book is all too familiar, including the quote I chose as the title of this post.

That's what you get, when you have a sharp divide between intellectual and emotional development. A scared and confused little child trying his best to deal with stuff he is not equipped to handle. Wondering aimlessly through the streets, pushing himself to work and engaging in self-destructive behaviour. All this is a bit too close to home at this point.

Sad thing is there is really nothing I can do to make things any better. Such confusion and pain is probably the only way for the emotionality to cope with the divide - doing its best to catch up, but feeling its inadequacies every step of the way.

At least the book helps me accept all this as natural. Not that there is anything natural in the situation. But, as in the book - there is just one way and it is forward.

Simplicity

Another post inspired by a one-liner by R.

So - what was it this time?

"The most complicated people are actually the simplest".

I will add the second half of the sentence -
"You just need to find the right angle from which that is the case".

This is easiest to explain to a mathematician, for there it often happens that one mathematician somewhere notices a pattern, and comes up with a very convoluted way of proving that it indeed exists, using tens of esoteric results and tricks most other mathematicians can barely follow. And then, a few years later, some other guy sees the results, claims it is obvious and then presents a simple 3-line proof.

But that is the essence - you just need to find the proper framework, the proper angle from which everything will make perfect sense.

However - most of us are accustomed to just one viewpoint - their own. So everyone vastly different from themselves seems horribly complicated. Because they are kind of like me, only different in this, this, this, this, this, this and this. But to the person himself, everything he is and does is simple and logical and makes perfect sense - because he himself is his own reference point. This is akin to a mathematician who is so at home in one narrow subfield that he sees everything else only from that angle. Not an uncommon sight, mind you. When you have only a hammer, everything will eventually start looking like a nail.

Taking an appropriate viewpoint is hard, however, because you need experience. Experience with many different people - so you could form different categories. Experience with different types of behavior patterns, so you know which things tend to group together with which other, and how different patterns tend to interact. Skill in abstracting away the unnecessary details and reducing all of the behavior groups down to just one or two key principles - so that the model would still remain workable. And then skill in determining which of these groups and principles are actually applicable to the current case at hand and which should be discarded as irrelevant. Everything following Occam's razor, attempting to find the simplest possible explanation that is consistent with the available facts.

In short, the skills a good psychologist needs to possess are not at all unlike those a skilled scientist needs. And the differences between a beginner and a seasoned expert are just as pronounced... as are the differences between someone who just studies the topic as opposed to someone who seems to live and breathe it.

The many ways of talking

There are many ways people may want to talk about their problems, some requiring more interaction than others:

a) Not talking - Can be accomplished in many different ways - by staying away from the people who do want to talk about it, or by changing the topic whenever anyone tries... or the favorite of passive aggressive people all around the world: just staying silent when the issue is raised... or becoming angry, or storming out, or all of the above.

b) Screaming - Usually followed by (a). Generally considered inefficient, especially when performed on people not directly involved with the problem. Nevertheless, it's use is occasionally justified.

c) Talking at someone - just to verbalize your own ideas, to understand them better yourself. Nothing is required from the other - not even understanding what you say. In fact, in the type (a) case you expect the other person not to understand you. Can be performed on your best friend, but may just as well be done to a complete stranger or a rubber duck.

d) Talking for someone - may look the same as (a), but now the intent is to make the other person understand the problem from your side. However, since the things you have to say may be complicated and hard to verbalize, and may sound initially offensive, you do not want the other person to interrupt you before you have laid everything out in its completeness. So you politely ask for just that - a full chance to say what you want without being interrupted. This type of talking is usually reserved for the other people concerned with the problem, to help them understand your side of the story. Generally considered effective when it is followed by a response of type (f). Generally considered inefficient, when followed by a response of type (a) or (b).

e) Talking to someone - you have a problem, which you feel you want/need to talk about. You expect understanding, and comforting, and possibly confirmation you are doing the right thing. This means that it is you who will do most of the talking, but you do expect the other person to acknowledge that he understands you (by saying "yes" or nodding or both), and occasionally offer a comforting sentence or a reverbalization of what you have been saying. Usually applied on more-or-less neutral third parties, i.e. friends, in order to make you feel better. Rarely solves anything on its own, but may give resolve and conviction in your own views. Usefulness depends heavily on the appropriateness of the already present beliefs and convictions.

Good friends change to type (f) conversation when they feel the beliefs you hold are not justified. Good-looking friends just nod at everything.

e') Being with someone - like the previous, only without talking. Because sometimes just having someone next to you is enough to take the edge off. It may take different forms, like just sitting there next to eachother.. or hugging.. or the favorite of men all around the world - doing something together, without saying more than just a few necessary words. Usually done with neutral third parties, but can actually work with the person you are having the problems with too.. if you are capable of temporarily setting them aside.

f) Talking with someone - To really discuss a problem, preferably constructively, but where you expect genuine feedback from the other person, either as useful ideas or in the form of constructive criticisms. Works well with both people involved in the problem and neutral third parties. Usually does not work if people involved are emotionally charged, as it will then quickly lead to talking of some other type.

g) Asking for help - you feel that you have a problem. That something is horribly wrong inside you. That you are all knotted up and it feels like it is pressing against your chest, giving you breathing trouble. Or that you have something pent up inside you, throbbing and trying to get out. But you don't know what. Or you have a faint idea, but cannot place it. All you really want to say is "help!!" (or "niuts").

This is the form of talking some people, especially men, find troublesome. So instead of saying "help", they just go for type (a) - go silent, hoping for someone to notice. Usually they don't or if they do, they take offense at you for just not outright asking for help. It's a pride thing, and it is often hard to admit that you need help. But if you do, it's best to acknowledge it.

Talking in this case is hard though, especially due to the vague nature of the problem. It often requires a lot of skill from the other party, who has to "crack you open" - ask the appropriate questions that help develop a better understanding of the problem, so that it can be more concretely placed and then dealt with. However, this really takes effort from the other party, and makes it even harder to ask for, since there are usually only 1-2 people in your close circle of friends capable of such a feat... and chances are you already owe them both... or that the problem itself is with one of them.

What is especially painful is if you ask and then get turned down. Or if they seemingly begin, and then give up. Nothing makes you feel better than knowing your best friends think of you as not worth the effort.. or downright hopeless... or both.


(I came upon these categories on my own, but I am fairly confident someone has given a similar typology before, possibly with a much more elaborate analysis. If anyone knows or has heard or seen these categories before, please do let me know, so I can give the appropriate references.)