The many ways of talking

There are many ways people may want to talk about their problems, some requiring more interaction than others:

a) Not talking - Can be accomplished in many different ways - by staying away from the people who do want to talk about it, or by changing the topic whenever anyone tries... or the favorite of passive aggressive people all around the world: just staying silent when the issue is raised... or becoming angry, or storming out, or all of the above.

b) Screaming - Usually followed by (a). Generally considered inefficient, especially when performed on people not directly involved with the problem. Nevertheless, it's use is occasionally justified.

c) Talking at someone - just to verbalize your own ideas, to understand them better yourself. Nothing is required from the other - not even understanding what you say. In fact, in the type (a) case you expect the other person not to understand you. Can be performed on your best friend, but may just as well be done to a complete stranger or a rubber duck.

d) Talking for someone - may look the same as (a), but now the intent is to make the other person understand the problem from your side. However, since the things you have to say may be complicated and hard to verbalize, and may sound initially offensive, you do not want the other person to interrupt you before you have laid everything out in its completeness. So you politely ask for just that - a full chance to say what you want without being interrupted. This type of talking is usually reserved for the other people concerned with the problem, to help them understand your side of the story. Generally considered effective when it is followed by a response of type (f). Generally considered inefficient, when followed by a response of type (a) or (b).

e) Talking to someone - you have a problem, which you feel you want/need to talk about. You expect understanding, and comforting, and possibly confirmation you are doing the right thing. This means that it is you who will do most of the talking, but you do expect the other person to acknowledge that he understands you (by saying "yes" or nodding or both), and occasionally offer a comforting sentence or a reverbalization of what you have been saying. Usually applied on more-or-less neutral third parties, i.e. friends, in order to make you feel better. Rarely solves anything on its own, but may give resolve and conviction in your own views. Usefulness depends heavily on the appropriateness of the already present beliefs and convictions.

Good friends change to type (f) conversation when they feel the beliefs you hold are not justified. Good-looking friends just nod at everything.

e') Being with someone - like the previous, only without talking. Because sometimes just having someone next to you is enough to take the edge off. It may take different forms, like just sitting there next to eachother.. or hugging.. or the favorite of men all around the world - doing something together, without saying more than just a few necessary words. Usually done with neutral third parties, but can actually work with the person you are having the problems with too.. if you are capable of temporarily setting them aside.

f) Talking with someone - To really discuss a problem, preferably constructively, but where you expect genuine feedback from the other person, either as useful ideas or in the form of constructive criticisms. Works well with both people involved in the problem and neutral third parties. Usually does not work if people involved are emotionally charged, as it will then quickly lead to talking of some other type.

g) Asking for help - you feel that you have a problem. That something is horribly wrong inside you. That you are all knotted up and it feels like it is pressing against your chest, giving you breathing trouble. Or that you have something pent up inside you, throbbing and trying to get out. But you don't know what. Or you have a faint idea, but cannot place it. All you really want to say is "help!!" (or "niuts").

This is the form of talking some people, especially men, find troublesome. So instead of saying "help", they just go for type (a) - go silent, hoping for someone to notice. Usually they don't or if they do, they take offense at you for just not outright asking for help. It's a pride thing, and it is often hard to admit that you need help. But if you do, it's best to acknowledge it.

Talking in this case is hard though, especially due to the vague nature of the problem. It often requires a lot of skill from the other party, who has to "crack you open" - ask the appropriate questions that help develop a better understanding of the problem, so that it can be more concretely placed and then dealt with. However, this really takes effort from the other party, and makes it even harder to ask for, since there are usually only 1-2 people in your close circle of friends capable of such a feat... and chances are you already owe them both... or that the problem itself is with one of them.

What is especially painful is if you ask and then get turned down. Or if they seemingly begin, and then give up. Nothing makes you feel better than knowing your best friends think of you as not worth the effort.. or downright hopeless... or both.


(I came upon these categories on my own, but I am fairly confident someone has given a similar typology before, possibly with a much more elaborate analysis. If anyone knows or has heard or seen these categories before, please do let me know, so I can give the appropriate references.)