Compliments

A proper way to take a compliment: "Thank you!"

Simple right? You'd guess so.

Contrast it with a few versions that do not work:
"I wish it was so!"

"I don't really deserve it!"

"Oh you must be mistaking me for someone else!"

"I only did very little for this to happen!"

"This only reflects one person's opinion of me!"

"Some others may disagree with that opinion!"

Basically, all these invalidate the other persons point of view - i.e. say that you do not believe that they see the world in an adequate way. If you ever respond in these ways, do not wonder why you never get any compliments.

I don't. Wonder, I mean. But I am trying to improve in this respect.

I'm writing this down to remmember, vol 2.

The past week has been pretty busy.

Monday and Tuesday were spent on a seminar on curriculum development. The main significance of this is that they were spent away from my office - which, combined with the fact that third year bachelors students have a deadline for submitting their supervisors to me, meant that most of Wednesday went by with students pretty much constantly going in and out of my room. Next Monday (which is the actual deadline) promises to be quite similar.

As a result, I now have 15 students in my supervision seminar. About 10 of them have a second supervisor as well, but in any case, this promises to be fun. Especially considering the broad range of topics - as I will probably learn quite a bit in the process...

Tuesday evening is also worth mentioning. Two consecutive Twilight movies (third and the first part of fourth), with a good friend. The movies really are so bad that they can actually be watched as comedies - although, the friend admitted she actually liked the books, and had read them... more than once. Nevertheless, we had a lot of fun teasing each other. Old friends really are worth their weight in gold.

Thursday was spent in a more formal way, both in terms of attire and events. I finally received my PhD diploma (on a ceremony lasting nearly 3 h), then had a brief lunch (at the following banquet), went to the faculty to thank the guest lecturer in my course and then headed off to pick up my date and go to the University Anniversary Ball.

This being the first ballroom dancing event me (and my date) had ever attended. To top things off, I had learned the basic steps, but that was about a year ago - and, to my surprise, my date openly admitted that despite being a dancer (ballet, modern), she had never done so.

Which, of course was not a problem - as we just agreed I would teach her what I knew, Wednesday evening, after our Taiji class. But, since that was also the last day of PÖFF, we decided to go for a movie beforehand. After that, we headed to my workplace and danced around the board room til 2 a clock at night - quickly going through the basics of everything except Jive and Tango.

The one evenings practice turned out to be both necessary and (nearly) sufficient - Viennese waltz, Samba and Rumba covering the majority of the songs, and only one Tango being during the whole evening. Jive was played a bit more often, but we just found other things to do during that. Thinking back, dancing, the occasional refreshment pause and listening to the performers pretty much filled the entire evening - as, although the event was full of people I knew, we only spoke to 3-5 other couples, and all of these conversations were also under 5 minutes. We went there to dance, and had a lot of fun doing it.

I arrived home from the ball at around 1 A.M., when I also got an SMS, where it was suggested I catch the early train to Tallinn (which leaves at 6.30) - for I had to be at Teeviit from 10 a clock next day, selling my department to high school graduates as the best place for them to continue their studies.

So, 4 hrs of sleep later, and in the train I was, rolling towards Tallinn, with a 2. year mathematics student who I was going to be sharing a box with for the next two days and who was the one who was behind that SMS. We had quite a bit to talk about, and the train ride went by pretty quickly.

So did the following two days at Teeviit, now that I think back on it. The three of us (there was also a statistics student) had quite a bit of fun, both amongst ourselves and with the people from neighbouring boxes. Friday was busier and all three of us were at the box most of the time. When it was over, I went to my moms, had dinner and then collapsed on the bed, sleeping nearly 12 hours.

Saturday was much slower, which gave us all time to explore. I got a massage, played 3 different games on Kinect and rode around on Segway for instance.

Somewhere in the afternoon, just as I had finished my lunch of pizza and came out of the back room, my eyes instantly fixed on a large towering figure in front of our box -- my boss, who explained he had come to check out the competition (i.e. other universities teaching IT). He had met an old friend of his, who now worked in Tallinn television, and convinced her that they should do an interview with me - which they did (and which was quite probably the weirdest thing to happen during these two days). And there was ice cream after - provided by the friendly people from physics bus, who cooked it up with liquid nitrogen.

All in all, a very eventful week. Moreso than average, which is perhaps why I'm writing this.

Masks

Two things I have started to notice increasingly more often in the past few weeks:

1) My throat is sore after speaking, often even after brief conversations. I presume the reason is using a different pitch and/or timbre of voice to what I normally use.

2) A set of mimic muscles in my face also tense up after conversations, and are often quite hard to relax afterwards. The muscles, when tense, seem to be producing a slight, condescending smile.

Both are most probably defense mechanisms - used to keep a fair social distance, because I do not have resources left to risk letting new people close to me.

Again confirming my suspicions I really need to start working to get my life on track in terms of energy levels. For now, I am greatly thankful for the few close friends I do have.

Happiness

Honesty with yourself is probably the best basis for a good life one can have.

Considering this, my last post was somewhat off the mark. I did enjoy the weekend, and Saturday was indeed exactly what I needed but in the rest...

I have exhausted myself with work, to the point where I really do not have anything left to give to the people around me - neither to the new acquaintances nor to my old friends.

Not that I do not enjoy being with people - quite the opposite, at least with my old friends. It feels somewhat better than it has in the past - probably because the anxiety has faded and I feel I can actually relax and be myself around people - and am somewhat forced to be so, due to lack of energy.

Nevertheless, I would like to reciprocate more. Offer up fun ideas, and do them. Be more active, take the lead. The normal reaction would be to want to jump right into it and just do it, but at the moment, it feels like too much work. A sure sign something is wrong.

So time to make some revisions:

Three meals a day,

At most 2 cups of coffee a day, (1, e.v.)

8+ hrs of sleep, habitually,

Taiji, two times a week.

Also, cutting down on (already fairly low-key) social life for a while might be a good idea.

Or, rather, being a bit more honest with what I want and need (and risk upsetting the other person and being rejected). I don't really think I have much to lose, but I do have quite a bit to gain.

Someone to cuddle up and watch "Groundhog day" with, for instance. With no anxiety or expectations as to what should or will happen after.

Happiness doesn't take much. In fact, I think I have come to realize that it doesn't take anything. It is not a state of having, but a state of being...

And it is not as if I am missing something from my life... except for 2 out of 3 meals a day, but this should be easy to fix.

The weekend I needed.

Thursday was a 14-hr workday. I got home at 2 AM in the morning.

Only to wake up at 9 and have another 8 hrs - with two consecutive seminars held, one with masters students and for 2 hrs, another with our faculty, lasting 3.

And then I had half a Taiji practice to give on top of all this. So by 8 p.m. I was pretty much putty, both physically and mentally.

Just the perfect time to go meet a nice girl for coffee.. and then go spend the rest of the evening with two good friends who had decided to drop in unexpectedly (and so had to wait for a few hours, by which time they managed to do away with half of my sweets and all of my candles). The three of us had a lot of fun, and it continued for them even after I set off to bed.

The whole of Saturday was spent playing a single 10-hour session of "Arkham horror". Also just the perfect thing to do after an exhausting week.

And now, Sunday, which me and my roommate spent fixing my couch with a drill, steel wire and spare computer parts.

Back to work tomorrow - with quite a few new ideas.

It's not like you to resign to your fate

There are days I *really* wish the world worked by a different logic than it actually does.

But the fact of life is it does not. And one could bitch and moan about it all one wants, the logic will not change. To get something, you have to work for it, and whether you "deserve it" or not has relatively little if anything at all to do with it.

In some sense, it is the most fair of all the possible ways things can be. Those, who can conqueror their fears and laziness are the ones that succeed - not those with innate "gifts" or "good moral character".

Trouble, of course, being that effort is hard. Especially when you encounter setbacks. But that is essentially what separates people - whether they have the strength to keep pushing, or just give up.

I have gone the latter route way too long now in one aspect of my life. Time to turn things around and get it handled. After all, it is only myself who is holding me back.

All things must pass

I just gave two fairly good and motivating lectures (judging by the feedback), but I have apparently hit bottom myself. Scary, actually.

I just want to fall down and...

Not even think, for I did something very stupid... very stupid... and only time will tell how bad the reprecussions for it are.

The next few days are going to be interesting.

Edit: Relatively minor reprecussions, if any, it seems.

So I wither

But I feel I'm getting nowhere,

and I'll never see the end.

So I wither,

and render myself helpless;

I give in, and everything is clear;
I break down,
and let the story guide me.

- "Wither", Dream Theater

After the debate on Tuesday, I basically collapsed. A part of me apparently figured now there would be less stress and things to do so that it is ok to relax and take it easier... well, sadly, that part was somewhat mistaken (which is why I am at work on such a fine Saturday).

Depressive thoughts still haunt me every now and then. This morning, for instance. But I'm getting better at handling them.

So - what helps in my case? Just accepting the situation. The fact that I am sad and withering. And that it is in fact me who is rendering myself helpless. Giving in, basically - not panicking and looking for a solution but acknowleging that in the short term, there isn't anything I really can do. Breaking down, and just letting things go as they will, so to say, letting the story guide me, without trying to manage everything.

Or maybe it is just the nice weather outside. Most probably both.

Crime and punishment

For the past two days I have been discovering the joys of preparing for a public debate.

A few revelations:
a) Law texts are near impossible to read and even harder to interpret right. I have newfound respect for lawyers...

b) Homework takes time... a lot of time. Even if presentation is short, the amount of work that can go into it is enormous.

c) Processes at the level of the society are a lot more complicated than I first imagined. So much for a simple view of the world.

d) I am a bit out of my league. Thank god I am not debating my side alone. The fact is we are facing a true heavyweight, which is why I am putting in all this homework.

e) All this can be surprisingly enjoyable, as the amount of new things you learn when entering a new field is quite staggering.

I feel I should just stop reading now as my brain is nearing critical mass

Edit: For those of you interested in the result - link

Strange days

I woke up at around 1 pm, because my cellphone had run out of battery.

I left, punching in the code for my security system... and after closing the door, I hear my roommate running down to disable the system again. Turns out he also slept in, but for somewhat different reasons.

Get to work only to find the parking lot full. Bicycle parking lot. Thankfully, a girl was coming out and removed her cycle so that I could put mine in its place.

Salsa lesson - and I still mess up the steps on occasion, but its looking better and better each time.

And even after that hour in salsa, I still managed a 10-hr workday. Yep - I got home at midnight. But, as I told (and then sang) my roommate, "I feel good".

His comment - I think I will actually hear you crack quite soon.

He might be right. Although my guess it has already happened.

Random encounters

Today was a pretty weird day.

I arrived at the office at around 11, hoping to get 3 hrs of work before a meeting I had scheduled.

* At about 12, one of my former students from the programming course comes and tells me she needs motivation, because one of the teaching staff was pretty nasty to her. Unexpected, as I was not on duty at the counceling office.

* Before I had finished with her, the head of the institute shows up and invites me to a meeting at the Rectors office about the IT academy. At 2. Completely random.

I do the IT academy meeting, followed by another meeting with mathematicians about their part in our new curricula.

* When walking to my next appointment at the student union, I meet an old friend from physics bus days, but whom I hadnt seen for 2-3 years. Turns out she had also worked as a program manager in the mean time, and she wished me all the best with my job. A few turns later I run into the program manager for the computer systems curriculum just as I am turning the corner.

I do the meeting at the student union, go to the salsa lesson, then leave for the central square to meet Kati, the girl I hung out with while in London. We leave for my place to cook Seitan.

* Just as seitan is boiling, there is a knock on the door. It is my ex-satanist friend, asking for water (as he has just returned from jogging). Has happenned before, but still, the pun is too obvious to be ignored.

We eat, and I send Kati off to where she was staying.

* On my way back, walking over a bridge at around half to one, I notice three people enjoying the night view to the river. As I get closer, they turn towards me instead, and I recognize one - he is the same guy, I had the meeting with at the student union. Another guy also says hi, and his face is also vaguely familiar. Turns out all three are psychology majors.

They invite me to join them in doing nothing. So I get in the car with them, we drive around for a while and then I invite them over for guitar hero.

* As we are starting, there is a knock on the window, with some guy asking us if we have a cigarette. In my 5 years living here, this is the first time that has happenned.

We play guitar hero for half an hour, at which point I send them off on their way - still being visibly surprised about the completely unexpected turn of events their evening had taken.

Happens, I suppose

So, what is it that you do, exactly?

Today I:
* Moved a few dishes that were left over from yesterdays conference to my office and sent an e-mail to the caterers about it
* Comforted one of the tutors, who is having trouble deciding what to do for her bachelors thesis
* Sent an e-mail to the first year students with links and recommendations from yesterday
* Scheduled two lecturers for my "Introduction to informatics" course.
* Spoke with one of the professors about a possible curriculum change
* Had a talk with the vice dean about how best to accomodate the change.
* Counseled three masters level statistics students about organizational matters
* Found a cardboard box for the caterers so they could take the dishes away.
* Spoke with another professor about the curriculum change
* Talked with the head of the institute about an idea to teach high-school students a programming course with the same materials as we have for our first years.
* Uploaded new course plans to the institute website, which I had technical problems with and in the end the institute IT person had to do it for me.
* Helped a first year student figure out what extra courses to take for this and the next semester
* Supervised one of my to-be bachelors students
* Re-scheduled the time when I was going to start helping students with course content.
* Turned out that the uploaded files still didn't go up correctly, so I had to exchange a few more e-mails.
* Had a talk with study systems specialists to resolve the fact I had still not been made the program manager.
* Had a brief discussion with the program manager for mathematics courses and sent an e-mail to the statistics one - both about a single EAP.
* Spoke with the lecturer holding the upcoming course about the said curriculum change
* Patched the curriculum documents to reflect the change.
* Stopped by the defense session for the internships of masters students
* Given a 15-minute interview
* Spent an hour with the vice dean discussing the curriculum change
* Spent half an hour on marketing ideas for UT Science school.
* Reviewed a homework statement sent to me by a guest lecturer in one of my courses.

The game is called hot potato. If you're lucky, it is the game you will be playing for the rest of your life

The better you can motivate others to do important things, the less you have to do yourself. Or rather, the more you free yourself up to do other important things. Simple, at least in theory.

Trouble is, it gets a while to get the hang of it.

In any case - it has been a hard week. 7 days straight with 8-12 very intense working hrs, mostly with people.

And, although exhausting, I have enjoyed most of it. Three reasons:
a) Flow - I usually look at the clock only to realize 2-6 hrs have passed without me having time to notice them do so.
b) Anxiety relief - I had a fairly strong anxiety of not being able to cope with all the responsibilities I have newly received. Well, now I have evidence showing I can, and am actually doing fairly well, all things considered. It is natural to fear the unknown future, but once it actually arrives, the fear is often unfounded. This has been the case.
c) I'm actually fairly good at what I do. Or at least I do not think my time would be better spent doing something else. Not at this point in time, at least. After all, I am doing something I like doing, that also seems to be worthwhile in the long run, and also provides immediate gratification on occasion. Hard to ask for something more.

All that being said, it is very exhausting. At home, the only thing I want to do is to just collapse onto the bed and sleep. Thankfully, on most days, I can. :)

Black, and white are, all I see, ...

Black and white are, all I see,
In my infancy,
Red and yellow then came to be,
Reaching out to me, lets me see.

- Tool, "Lateralus"

I think I finally figured out the deal with Zen teachers. The students go to them always seeking approval... and the goal of the teachers is to teach the poor bastards to stop wanting to do so.

Poor Zen masters...

Also: if you have had a nail recently pulled from your eye, everything else around you suddenly starts looking like it is also in need of a hammer.

And the shadow of the day ...

I spent most of the week at a mentoring seminar, learning how to support the development of young teachers.

The key point of the seminar was to support their development into an independent person who can self-reflect and rely on his/her own assessments without relying on external self-validation. And the way you do that is by not giving them feedback, or validation for that matter, but slowly guiding them to rely on their own best judgement, just helping them see the whole picture, if they are missing some pieces. A lot like cognitive therapy, actually.

It did drive a few points home regarding my personal life - as there, I often tend to try to affirm and help my friends as best I can - often to very bad effect, as people prefer to be able to do things independently, and feel this help is constraining them. I had realized this was the case a few weeks ago, but the seminar helped me understand the mechanics better.

The restlessness discussed in the last post still follows me. I went to the seminar with barely 4 hrs of sleep at night - and still had trouble getting to bed in the evening, managing it only after a walk along the deserted night beach. The seminar was held in Narva-Jõesuu, which has 12 km of truly amazing shoreline, about 2 of which I walked that night.

The next day when I woke up, my roommate (who had missed the first day) had arrived in the night, and as he turned out to be from the IT college, the next night was spent with him discussing different aspects of CS education and how our institutions differ. It went til 4 a clock, again giving us just 4 and a half hours of sleep.

Next night I left so I could be in Tallinn to see the Dalai Lama talk in front of the Estonian Academy of Sciences. As I had to meet two of my friends in the morning before the talk, the night was again pretty short - 6 hrs, maybe. The 4 hr bus ride was unforgettable, as the sun was slowly setting across the picturesque landscape of North-East Estonia.

The talk itself was somewhat dissapointing. After the troubles of getting my friends in (their names had not been passed along), we got a back row seat and got only a fleeting glimpse of the spirutal leader. The talk was on buddhisms connection with sciences, and the questions were pretty standard and seemed mainly meant just to show off the intelligence of the asker. And in the end, the man was just escorted away, without the informal questions part we initially thought would follow.

The main thing I will remmember from the day is meeting Nirti, a young blogger and writer who I had actually invited myself via a proxy, but whom I had only exchanged a short e-mail with before. Me, Mart and Kristiina went to lunch with her, and the four of us clicked pretty well. Kristiina left at some point, then Mart had to go to the train and in the end it was just the two of us walking towards the bus station, sharing stories from our youth.

After yet another 4 hrs in the bus, I was back at the Spa with my Seminar group - who had postponed dinner for an hour so that I arrived just in time. We then convened in the Piano bar downstairs, when one of the group started playing Valgre on the piano, while the others just sat and listened in awe - later joining in to sing the more famous songs.

Not a day I will forget any time soon - and I dare say not because but rather in spite of the Lama.

Saturday was also fairly interesting, as a physicist friend of mine invited me along with his family to what (to both of our surprise) turned out to be the birthday party of two people - one a car salesman and another a photographer. There was a very nice russian girl with very well-cared dreadlocks, who took it upon herself to fix my hair up as well - and spent quite a few hours at it. This gave us ample time to talk. She had done many different things - acting, project writing, playing keyboards in a heavy metal group, fire shows (one of which she performed later in the evening, with Poi and fans) etc. Im only a bit sad I did not get to repay her the favor for fixing my hair. I also had quite a long discussion with the physicist friend about the meaning of a good life, and how to get there.

And now - I am at a CS summer school with my colleagues. Tired from the week behind me, and with quite a bit on my mind that just needs quiet contemplation. I hope they will understand me staying a bit more quiet and reserved than usual.
Then again - I have no clue what my usual really is anymore. There are months where I can't stand to be alone, and now it seems there seem to be weeks where I need to. Only time will tell what the equilibrium will look like or rather, whether it will actually settle down at all.

Restlessness

For the third day in a row, I am struck with a strange restlessness. A feeling of needing to do something, but being unable to figure out what.

So I go. Outside. Staff-twirling, reading, biking, walking the streets. None of them works.

Everything is so, so wrong. And yet, the most right it has ever been. In its proper place, yet so out of it.

Again, I guess this is what it feels to be too much ahead of yourself.

One nation under CCTV

Ahh, London. The city famous for its... rain?

And then there is the Buckingham palace, Picadilly circus and Trafalgar square - all of which I saw in passing the first day, when Aleksei and Kati met me at Victoria and took me to dinner in Soho and then to the river to catch a ferry to Greenwich, where they lived.

The apartment they lived in was very beautiful. A bit too hipster for my taste... and a bit too sterile, with a debilitating "everything has a right place" feeling. Thankfully, that faded after a few "How do you know a hippie is squatting your apartment?" jokes, when (I guess) they realized how much it was bothering me. By the end of my stay, it felt pretty nice and cozy.

From 2011 London

First evening was spent drinking Gin and playing the Settlers of Catan. Since Aleksei had work next day, we went to sleep pretty early. I was shown to my couch, which was a bit too short and soft for me but neither stopped me from getting a good nights sleep.

A word or two about my hosts would also be appropriate, I suppose. Aleksei I know from university, where he was about a year behind me, but also specialized in math and later cryptography. He is working as a security analyst in a large company where their division is mainly concerned about penetration testing of all kinds. Kati, his girlfriend, is a philosophy major going on to study linguistics for her masters degree. Both are extremely bright and good at what they do.

Next day, after our morning coffee, Kati took me out to the museums. First up was the British Museum - which really is HUGE, having everything from stone age to ancient egypt to medieval muslim world all the way to enlightenment clocks. Besides the longer break at medieval europe (where I put my re-enactor knowledge to good use), we mostly just walked through most of the halls, not really concentrating on anything in particular. The usual problem with places where there is way too much to see.

From 2011 London

We then visited a few more exhibitions - about Dirt, and then Hygene, followed by quite an interesting show about Science Fiction that the central library was hosting. Exhibit was small enough so that we could read through all of the descriptions, and most of them were well worth the read - I wrote down quite a few book names for my future reading.

From 2011 London

The day ended sitting outside an English pub in Greenwich, watching the sun set over London, and then making a quick trip to the supermarket - Pims (a form of punch they wanted to introduce to me) being the main reason to go.

From 2011 London

The next day was spent first walking from Greenwich to the Tower, then on to the Monument.

or, well,

From 2011 London

We then went on to St. Pauls, visiting a few street markets on the way. We ended the day in used books stores near Covent Garden, where we also had gelatos and where we returned later in the evening to see standup.

On Saturday, the three of us went to Cambridge, to visit two friends of mine who were doing their PhD-s there. I got to try Punting, and the others got to have a laugh watching me balance on the back of the boat and later collapse on the lawn when we got out.

From 2011 London

We then went back to their place, on Perse Way,

From 2011 London

and I got to play Duke Nukem Forever, and a game of even more mindless violence (the fact such a game exists shows just how big of a failure DNF is). The evening ended with a barbecue on their back porch, after which we got a taxi back to the station to catch the last train back to London.

Deep down inside I think you know - You are free!

For most of my life, I have had a nagging feeling at the back of my head that I am constantly doing something wrong. I was doubting myself at every step, always thinking if others would do it better than me.

And it turns out that it was right, kindof.

So what was it? Simple: Doubting myself! Or rather, my right to be myself.

Recent past has helped purge that doubt, one small step at a time.

Which, just to clarify, does not mean that I think I am infallible, but rather that I am entitled to my mistakes - as, after all, that is what being human means.

Daoism has made a comeback in my life, but I now interpret the teachings in a somewhat new key. Dalai Lamas "The Art of Happiness" also helped clarify a few points as did Richard Fromms "The Art of Loving" - which both preach the same message: you first need to learn to love yourself before you can love others. Most importantly, however, both stress that it is a skill - i.e. something that you not only can but must learn.

Quoting Eminem (because I just love obsucre and out of context pop music references):

But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?

And indeed, looking back on my life, I haven't really had people in my life to teach me how to be fully human until just fairly recently. Most people around me have also had the same problem I was facing - so no wonder I inherited it from them, as I had no other examples to learn from. Which is not to say I blame anyone - rather, I feel a bit sad, for both them and myself in the past.

In any case, I am thankful for having had the opportunity to learn what I have, even if it has come as late as it has, for I fear most people never get the opportunity.

Not that I am at the end of my journey... for there is no such thing.

In my rear view mirror, My life is getting clearer

Hey hey! I finally found my way, say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain't no brakes on this lost highway
- Bon Jovi, "Lost Highway"

Just to get it out of the way early: Im not a big Bon Jovi fan. But I do enjoy their music every once and a while.

But not enough to drive to Bucharest only to see their concert. Thankfully, that was never the plan.

I will keep it short and personal here. For my estonian friends interested in a longer account of what went on, I recommend you read our travel blog that the 6 of us co-authored. There are also a lot of pictures there, so I recommend anyone interested in those also go check it out.

When the bus arrived at my doorstep on the 6-th of July, it was 5 in the evening already. We had a stop in Valga, where we went to a Korean restaurant that had Seljanka as it's daily special, then proceeded to Latvia, where we camped out on the beach for the first night.

The next three days were spent driving - first to Warsaw, then Budapest and finally to Brasov (just north of Bucharest). Wich was fine by me, as I had quite a few books with me, and Arti had bought his guitar along, which allowed me to practice my chords too, if I wanted. Mostly on old Terminaator songs, which, incidentally, was also what mostly came out of the CD player. Nostalgic, as I realized I still remembered the lyrics to most of the songs - and since I was at the very back most of the time, I could sing along to the songs without disturbing anyone.

Nights were spent socializing alongside drinks. Except for the first night (camped out) and the last few nights (spent either on the beach or driving), we mostly stayed at hostels, but were up til 3-4.

The concert was actually quite fun. We arrived about an hour and a half early, which allowed all of us to get pretty decent places. I was separated from the rest, as I had a ticket to a different zone since I had only bought it on arrival to Bucharest. Nevertheless, I was close enough to see the band, and the screens showed everything important anyhow. Band played for nearly two and a half hours, which is quite an impressive feat in a 30 degree heat (which stayed even after the sunset). And there really were a lot of people - estimates of around 50 000 were thrown around by the band, I think.

However, this was only where the fun began. The next day, we drove to Bulgaria, to the coast of the Black sea, and then stayed there for a day. Had a jellyfish sting me just to feel how it was - after everyone else had been stung by accident already. They were pretty weak there - but there was a plant in the forest that cut our legs up pretty nicely when we went for a hike.

Oh yes - and two people from the group got really bad sunburns - despite using sunscreen.

We then started back, and devoted one day to seeing Romania - both its natural beauty and its castles. Since the cars GPS didn't have Romanian maps but my phone did, I took the role of navigator and gave the drivers a challenge in the form of winding Romanian mountain roads. Both of them thoroughly enjoyed it though. As for the rest of us - Romania really is beautiful, and you do only see it once you drive through a few remote villages (preferably blasting Rammstein through the speakers). We did.

The next day was spent in Slovakian Tartar mountain range - Hiking. Since it was just a day-long hike, we figured one backpack would do, and since Arti had burnt his back on the beach, I was the one who carried the bag (containing our food and water supplies) most of the trip. The trail was mostly walkable, but there were a few stretches that required using hands as well. The track was by no means easy (and I had blisters from my hiking boots for two more weeks), but one of the girls managed to do it in her slippers (which quite a few other hikers also noticed and photographed). At least there were ample opportunities to refill our water bottles from the cold springs, so we did not have to ration the supplies - and in the end I realized one 2l water bottle was left completely untouched during the whole trip.

Getting down from the mountain also proved quite interesting. There was a ski-lift, but it cost 6 eur per person, and we forgot to bring our wallets - so we needed Aivar (who had stayed down to sleep, since he drove all night) to come up and bring us the money. Oh yes, and we also forgot to pack sunscreen to our hike, so the people who were burnt before now got only worse...

The next two days and nights were spent in the car again - which gave me quite a bit of time to reflect on my life, the trip and the reading I had done.

I needed time to think to get the memories from my mind

My month of vacation has been indescribably cool. I have done a lot of different and crazy things, most of which I thoroughly enjoyed.

So what did I do:

On 3 of July I wrote the following as my Facebook status:
"I have three weeks of vacation starting from next week. If anyone has any cool ideas for which they would like my company, please let me know. The weirder the better."

I got three replies which led to:

A car trip to a Bon Jovi concert in Bucharest (6-15 july)
An evening discussing artificial intelligence (16 july)
Half a week in London visiting a friend from the Uni (20-24 july)

In between I spent a day showing tourists around Tallinn with the Angel (18 july)

However, that did not conclude my vacation for:

I went to a hitchhiking competition with a friend (25-28 july) and
I dabbled in performance art at Viljandi Folk festival (29 july)

However, I have had practically no time to write about everything that has happened, and I will attempt to do so now, one event at a time.

Since this blog partially serves as a reminder for myself, I will backdate the following few posts to the time when the events actually took place.

Variety show

Past week has been pretty varied... and dull at the same time. Quite a large bit of it was just spent playing a video game (League of Legends, a pretty good DotA clone). However, there have been a few other occasions worth mentioning as well

Met the angel again, for the third time. And again, we kind of clicked and spent a lot more time together than originally planned.

I saw "Love for 3 oranges" (an estonian cult theatrical piece from the beginning of 90-s) for the first time. It was good, as suspected.

Midsummers night was spent in a very small company - with just 4 people. One of them was a surprise guest - my ex-classmate whom I went to the same class for both middle and high school. It was relatively quiet, but nonetheless quite enjoyable.

Last, but not least, Estonian Physics Society had its summer days in Nelijärve. Co-hosted with a GLOBE conference and an Energetics conference and a seminar of ESTCUBE satellite project. Good occasion for networking - both with people I knew before and those I did not. Sauna, swimming, singing and orienteering. All in all, 2 very very enjoyable, abeit sleep deprived days.

And - of course - the ride back to Tartu or 140 km on the back of a Harley. I get why people like motorcycles... I really do.

All the world's a stage

Went to Pärnu for theater two days ago. "For Hecuba", as the piece was called. Best theatrical experience I have had in my life. This despite really crappy seats...

The evening was followed with a bike-ride through darkening Pärnu, a visit to an old friend's grave, accompanying her mother... A deep and long discussion, followed by a night of relatively little sleep.

And a somewhat uncomfortable, although enjoyable bus ride back to Tartu for a full day of work and seminars.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players
- Shakespeare

The topic of games and players has been hanging overhead these past few days. Subject of a long discussion today with A., who reminded me that one should really consider the option of not playing as a potential tactic - especially with people you actually want in your life.

Although - the distinction between playing and not playing is blurry at best and non-existent at worst. But in the end, it is just a semantic category, but what really matters is your motivations and behavior itself - and one should make sure these two are aligned. Especially in terms of long-term goals.

Ground control to Major Tom

The past week has been... unusual.

All due to a certain book I have been reading. Very well written, and not to be taken too seriously, but still - eye-opening in terms of small and simple things.

And it really is amazing what a framework for thinking about certain things can give you...

Still, it's a matter of practice and calibration... which does occasionally involve overshooting. But still, it is better than simple trial and error, as the newfound framework helps me estimate what I did wrong and by how much.

Although, feedback systems could always be better. Not that I'm complaining

And if this post makes no sense what so ever - think of it as an exercise of lateral thinking and try to find a world in which it does. And if you do, tell me ;)

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
-- "Schism" by Tool

In the end of January, my life literally came crashing down. One of my employers had no use for me, the other just had a managerial change. My girlfriend broke up with me. And one of my best friends died. Not a good place to be.

However, it is not what happens to us but what we make of it that counts. And looking back on the half a year that has since passed... well, I am a stronger and better adjusted person now. Moreso than ever before. And I doubt I would have made this progress without having hit the bottom.

For it is the hard and painful experiences that force us to deal with our problems. A life full of comfort and security quickly turns stale, and the only way forward is through continual change.

My life is slowly coming together now. Ideas for both near and far future. To an outside observer, it may well look like I am doing 10 completely unrelated things, but for myself, there is a general guiding principle - like a 10 voice polyphonic composition, where the strains, though distinct, are still guided by one guiding idea.

The great art of counterpoint in living. An art I have by no means mastered, so there is still some cacophony in what is going on. But as the only way to get good at something is by trying things out and experimenting with them, I view the occasional lapses as a prerequisite to progress.

For it does not make sense to fear failure any more. After all, being wrong is an opportunity, even a privilege.

Last night I had that dream again (or Sweet Dreams, vol 3)

I almost never remember my dreams, but this morning, I did so pretty vividly.

I had just been drafted, and was riding in a bus to a military encampment... calling my boss and explaining what had happened and asking if he could do something, for if not, he would have to reschedule all of the next semesters teaching duties. Also thinking that hey, I had been released from military duty a few years ago... but then again, that exercise would probably do me good.

Oh yes, and panicking about losing my dreads, of course. That probably being the only thing classifying it as a nightmare...

I have had a pretty stressful week behind me. Waking up each morning at 7 or 8 to have a meeting with someone (journalist, students, rector, ex-boss and vice-dean, resp.) and then spending the last two hours of each day at the library, doing volounteer work helping students with their maths problems. As most of the waking time was spent working, and I still had a considerable sleep dept from last week, I was pretty burnt out by the end of it.

As for the military theme, that probably came from one of my friends who had just been released from his one year of mandatory service and whom I met up with yesterday. Talked a bit, played some music and then headed to a party a mutual friend had invited us to. Got back from there at around 4, feeling pretty good on average, both about a full week of work, and life in general too..

And, I actually have to admit, seeing a vivid dream in over a few years was a nice cherry on the cake for the past two weeks.

Sweet dreams, vol 2.

The seminar near Helsinki turned out to be really good. Made a lot of contacts and got numerous good references to read up on... if I only had the time.

Once I was dropped back to Helsinki, I wondered around looking for the two music stores that had been pointed out to me by Mari, an ex-classmate who studies in Helsinki and whom I had agreed to meet up with later on. And, against all expectations, one of the stores actually had a 5 string acoustic bass guitar... which I spent quite a bit of time admiring. My mom wanted to buy me a graduation present and I was considering something along these lines as one of the best options. In the end, I decided against buying it though as the pricetag was a tad too high.

I then met up with Mari and we wondered around for hours, visiting an art museum and having lunch along the way. Nevertheless, we still got to the terminal an hour early... and found that the ship had been delayed by an hour too - meaning we had a two hour wait ahead of us. Her boyfriend joined us in about a half, and we found things to talk about almost all the way to the ship.

Once in Tallinn, I took a tram to Ülemiste, and, as I had missed the last bus to Tartu, headed towards the Airport in order to attempt hitchhiking to my destination.

About an hour later, a rekka driver picked me up in his small car. He explained he had seen me along the side of the road as he was driving his truck to its parking lot to exchange it for his normal car, and was quite surprised I had not been picked up in all that time.

The trip to Tartu was spent talking with the guy. He had quite a few colorful stories to tell.. about traffic in different cultures, about couples having sex against his truck and so on..

I was dropped off near to where I live, and reached home at exactly 4 A.M. Had a bath, watched some TED and practiced my bass playing.. had about half an hour of sleep too, but had to cut it short as I had a car to catch at 8.

The car contained two mycologists and a high school student and was heading for the Spring school of Theoretical Biology, held for 2 days near Pärnu - meaning a 3 hr car ride. Again, mostly spent talking, first only with the mycologists but later having the student join the discussion too.

We arrived just in time for the first coffe break, had a few cups and then went to listen to the talks...

Which, sad to say, were mostly one dissapointment after another, at least on the first day. Thankfully, all three talks of the second day were considerably better. Bad talks meant I had plenty of time to look around in the auditorium, though. Quite a few familiar faces, from quite a few different places too. One girl form a PhD course, one from my Psych classes, a guy from CS winter schools, a girl from an educational conference in Tallinn and a few professors I knew from some earlier public lectures. Oh, and of course S. and T.

After lunch, I had a chance to get another 3 hours of sleep before the next batch of talks. Which I gladly took and which refreshed me just enough to last the evening til 1.30 A.M. Which, once the dinner ended, was mostly spent alternating between a hot tub and a sauna, in mixed company. And quite enjoyed the rest that followed.

Sweet Dreams are made of These

It's fun how plans can change sometimes. For example I had planned yesterday for improving the public materials of our institute... but then I heard from a friend that at the same time, a seminar is taking place that I really wanted to attend.

So naturally, popularization materials had to wait.

Same went for a student, who wanted to meet up with me to discuss some questions. But for him, the wait was just a few extra hours, as I did find time for him in the evening.

Right before meeting a colleague to go singing. Which was... way over my head but also tremendously fun.

Then it was dinnertime... which I combined with showing a friend of mine what to look for when buying a bass guitar.

And then I was off to the library to man the "Mathematics Helpdesk" for the second evening in a row. And there, the two hours just flew by instantly. Good company, bad coffee, what else could a man need for happiness?

My colleague T. then dropped me off to my home again, where I spent an hour on TED and another practicing bass, after which I set off to the bus station, to catch the 2.50 bus to Tallinn, to catch the 7.30 ship to Helsinki.

Which I did, after a scenic walk through the empty morning streets of Tallinn, singing along loudly to whatever was playing from my walkman. Arrived at the port an hour early, but I had a book to keep me company. That was also how I spent most of my two hours on the ship.

In Helsinki, I had an hour to navigate to the center. Not a problem, with a map and all. Another scenic walk through a waking city later, and I was at the bus stop, to catch a bus to the seminar.

Another hour of reading later and we arrived, checked in, had lunch and started listening to talks. Nordic Network in Engineering Education Research or something similar. A networking event, mostly.

And surprisingly to even myself, it is possible to network even after being awake 30 hrs straight. If you asked me how, I'd conjecture coffee has something to do with it.. but not entirely sure...

Hopefully, I can get to bed before I hit 40. 40 hrs, I mean.

Although, this semi-awake state is kind of fun :)

Those were the best days of my life

I had my PhD thesis defense today. And it went pretty well - the speech I had prepared just last night (at Webmedia and Narva 27 guard booth) and that I had rehearsed just once came out better than I could have anticipated. And the opponents questions were quite hard and probing, but I think I managed to answer most of them quite adequately.

The banquet afterwards was also very nice. And so was the sitting at Pirogov right after. And the gathering at my place was even better - with guitars, singing and even Tango dancing... Truly, a night to remember.

Thank you to everybody who made it happen. This will be a night I will not soon forget, and it would not have been so without you.

EuroCrypt 2011 Rump Session

was today. For those who don't know, EuroCrypt is one of the 3 biggest cryptography conferences, this year being held in Tallinn, and rump session is an informal session for short talks (2-5 min) in which entertainment is valued over serious scientific content.

I was in charge of making sure people stay in their alotted time span. The standard solution is to start turning up volume of background music if the time is up, thus slowly drowning out the speaker. Thankfully, I was allowed to be a bit more creative about it.

I invited one of my friend from the Limping Wolves (my medieval society) to join me. Half an hour before the event, we hauled our arms and armor backstage and started setting up and got into armor just as the session chair was beginning his introduction.

Thankfully, noone had noticed what we brought in, so crowd was visibly surprised upon seeing us enter the stage and putting a sword to the neck of the professor who had just gone overtime. Surprised in a good way, though :)

The next guy to go overtime tried to fight back with a toy pistol... which was, of course, ineffective against two men in medieval battle armor. That guy actually had to be escorted away twice - and second time we actually had to carry him off. The nerve of some people :D

Next guy who had to be chased off the stage was... well, me. When it was my turn to speak, I went to the podium, took off my helmet, leaned my sword against a nearby table and started giving the presentation with the most serious face I could muster. Crowd had a laugh, of course, but quickly quieted down to hear what I had to say. But my presentation was abruptly ended by the session chair just when I was starting to explain my last slide... so I had to defend myself from my friend as I was saying the last few sentences...

The first part ended with me having a tug-of-war over a spear with Whitfield Diffie - one of the fathers of public-key cryptography - as he was trying to stop me from using it on on Andy Clark, the former president of IACR.

Still, the favorite part of the evening was when we pulled a sheet over the head of Peter, my former office-mate from Denmark a year ago. Just as he had finished talking about performance results of a a competing system to the one that my talk was about.

I think I have not worn my full suit of armor for over two years. So I was quite rusty -- figuratively more than literally. All in all, it was a good evening, and more fun than I have had in quite a while.

I mean, how often do you get to scare world-famous cryptographers?

Welcome to life damnation

Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to go,
Welcome to life damnation!
Welcome to fun,
Welcome to hope,
Here is your invitation!
- Edguy, "Overture"

Yesterday I realized that - in a way - I have reached the end of the line. I am at a point where I really have nothing that I can meaningfully work towards achieving. The things I want, I either have or have no way of pursuing. Or rather, any pursuit thereof would only drive them further away.

Gloomy... in a sense... as I am having to battle with the despair of complete pointlessness.

But also very freeing - for if there really is nothing I could usefully do, I can stop worrying about these things and do stuff I actually find fun.

Extreme ups followed by despairing downs... and this rollercoaster may well keep on going for a while. Guess I'm in for a fun ride.

What doesn't kill us, makes us ...

Today I had to represent our institute at an internship fair. Which is quite contrary to my belief that internship should be done outside university, in a company - as one of its main aims is to get a glimpse of what life is like "in the wild".

Nevertheless, I had voulonteered, and so did my part. Which mainly involved actively working against myself... which was kind of fun. For a while. Only it worked too well, so noone even tried coming. So I got a chance to look around myself too.

At some point, A. contacted me and said she needed help with something. That something turned out to be Visual Basic.

Which is an AWFUL language. A few illustrative examples:

a) You can only draw on visual elements that are on forms - not in abstract variables that are just in memory.
b) You cannot draw on buttons - so to put a drawing on a button, you first need to draw it on some other visual element, and then copy it to the button
c) Only you cannot copy by value, only by reference, so you need an extra picture box for each button that you want a picture on. Which in this case resulted in 12 picture boxes that needed to be added to the form, and then hidden first thing on initalization.

d) The standard recommended way of getting the value of pi is 4*atan(1). This was found whilst searching for a polite replacement for a hard-coded constant 0.7854

I could go on, but I'll make it brief and just say that I spent nearly 5 hours wrestling with VB just to make some fairly simple changes to a fairly simple program. But it did remind me just how bad a language can get. I mean, Java is heavenly compared to this... seriously.

At the internship fair, I had won a ticket to a movie in the evening... so I of course went... and now regret the 1.5 hours wasted there. The movie was supposed to be a comedy ("Paul"). Only the jokes were worse than the estonian Stand-up comedians I saw on tuesday evening. And trust me, the standups were pretty damn bad already.

Most other people found the movie enjoyable though... and I think a few years ago, I might have too... but now, it was just bad gay jokes combined with lame and predictable situation comedy... Had I paid, I would want my money back.

By the way, all three of the aforementioned things were done on an empty stomach too. Skipped breakfast and didn't have time for lunch... which happens a bit too often lately..

Despite the outward horror of it all, I actually feel pretty good. Better than I have in quite a bit of time, actually. Guess I am somewhat sadomasochistic after all :)

Row, row, row the boat

Went canoeing on Saturday. Which was fun. Especially the steering, which took me about half the trip to figure out (so the other half was spent zig-zagging). Despite the fact that my torso still aches somewhat, it was a fun experience. One I would like to repeat again in the near future.

That evening was spent with T., L. and S. around a campfire at L.-s place...

Most of Sunday was spent watching Master and Margarita.. 8 hours divided in two halves so I could have a band practice in between.

And today was spent in front of the library reading.. and then singing my throat out... and then walking aimlessly about the town full of drunken students.

Constant motion. In more ways than one.

Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance

Its surprising how insightful pop songs turn out to be sometimes. Especially if you engage in some selective interpretation.

The subject for today: Limp Bizkit's "Lonely world"

Had a lot of fun living life on the run,
Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance
Everything was free and everything was fast
Never even thought it wouldn't last

Yep. Its very easy if you have specific and fixed goals in life. Like graduating high school, then university, then earning your PhD... Or finding a girlfriend and a future wife. And once that happens... well... you rarely if ever think past that, because - well, these goals are definitely worthwhile, so who cares what comes after?

You are basically living in a myth you have created for yourself. You are on a magical quest that will grant you salvation if you finish it, at which point you will live happily ever after. Or at least so you believe.

One slight problem with that though: real life and fairy tales are two very different things. But, since you are constantly in a hurry, you somehow fail to notice that small but significant detail.

Or rather, you build your world view based on such a conception, so this is essentially how the world seems to work for you.. and you build your world view around that - making this core assumption hard to criticize.

So. The aim of your life is to achieve the desired goals as fast and effectively as possible. So, everything that gets you closer is useful and meaningful. And everything that doesnt, isn't.

However, sooner or later you realize that this is so only for yourself. Others have different goals, aims and ways. But you adapt by just letting others do as they want. Your goal, concerning others, is just to understand their behavior, so you could best account for it in choosing your own actions. Criticism is pointless, for it causes conflicts, which only slow down progress towards The Goal. You soon become pretty good at giving interpretations to other peoples behaviors. However, you rarely, if ever validate them with others - which means you end up with a very good theory that is often useless in practice. In short:

When you go the mind of a man in the middle
Life is just a big fat riddle, so figure it out
Always thinking that you know
Every little thing there is to know.
Buy you don't really know, ya know?

At some point, reality comes knocking at your door. Hard.

You either fail at one of your goals. Or even worse, you succeed. And ask yourself the inevitable question: What now?

And have your world collapse into tiny pieces. Pieces that used to fit together, but no longer do.

One way forward would be to set a new goal and start running blindly towards that. But that seems... pointless... for you know achieving that will make you no more happier than you currently are. And you are not happy.

So you realize that the problem is deeply rooted in your conception of the world. In your innermost core beliefs. The ones you just know, beyond question. Because if you could question them, they would instantly collapse because of their sheer idiocity.

But you now know they exist. You may not be able to find them yourself but - hey, what are friends for?

So you ask your friends. And they tell you that you are living in a stupid myth about salvation and that it is driving all of them crazy.

So you start looking for a better alternative. And look at what they are doing themselves. And realize many of them have myths even stupider than yours is... but some don't. So you try to understand how their belief systems work.

So what do they believe?
That you are not in a hurry to get anywhere. You are allowed to take your time. You have the perfect right to be who you are, as you are. And so do others. That everything around you is real, but all the worry is illusory.

With the mind of a man in the middle
It could be the end of the world as we know it
Still I never want it all, and I never want it now
I just want to cruise, if I loose then I'll figure it out

Constantly in motion, but still at rest on some deeper level. They have what one of my friends called a "metaphysical shelter" - something inside them to fall back on when everything outside has hit the rocks. Belief that everything will be alright, or rather that everything IS alright.

True confidence. Not that stupid posing and game-playing people often mistake for self-confidence.

You contrast this with your own previous belief about salvation through hard work and have a good laugh.

At yourself. And the world around you.

And then start putting the pieces back together. And find that although some have to be thrown out, you do not have to start from scratch either. After all, you have a life full of experiences behind you and it is just a matter of interpreting them in the new framework.

How the times flies, even with the blink of an eye
When you're young you absorb like a sponge in disguise
Then you get a little older and gather your thoughts
It's amazing what you learn
When you've never been taught, ya know?


Phew. This is probably way more meaning than the song originally intended.

But somehow it clicked with me, and I have the perfect right to overinterpret it.

The perfect right :)

Long journey home

I had nothing to do yesterday. So I asked a few friends over for a movie..

But that was for 8 p.m. At it was just 5 p.m.

So I went bicycling. And it was pretty smooth sailing, first to Ihaste, then to Luunja, then to Kavastu...

Spring sun shining low, illuminating the fields, hedges and old abandoned barnhouses. Just Idyllic.

At Kavastu, I looked at the time.. I had been out for a bit over an hour. So I thought I best start back.. but I thought I'd take a different route this time.

So I did.

Problem was that the different route was unpaved...

And then there was the wind...

I spent the next 24 km pedaling against it, racing to get home before my guests did.

Thankfully, both were late. Nevertheless, I still arrived 5 minutes after they did..

But they weren't mad. E. commented that "I don't think we would have been mad even if you arrived an hour late, provided you looked in as bad a state as you currently do", noting the fact that I had slight trouble walking once I got off the bike.

Thankfully, nothing permanent. And it was a very pleasant evening, not one I plan to forget any time soon...

But I am considering repeating it - although, in hindsight 50 km for the first longer trip of the year was probably a slight overkill...

True freedom is slavery

I used to encourage everyone I knew to make art. (long pause) I don't do that so much anymore.
- Banksy, "Exit Through the Gift Shop"

This could easily turn into a discussion about what is art and when is it good...

But I will leave that for some other time, when I meet up with one of my artist friends.

Anyways, I have spent most of today working.. and discussing how the higher education might be the next big bubble to burst since the financial bubble a few years back...

All the signs are there by the way...

I am somewhat manic after the movie today. Not entirely sure why, although it is one of the best movies I have seen in a long while.

What was interesting was to exit the theater only to find that the sun was just about to set - so it was still light outside... and then to walk through the center as the sun is setting.. and to walk past a group of russian youths listening to dance music at our faculty parking lot...

I now have two friends over - one invited, the other just dropping by.

Probably going to send one of them home to the other side of Tartu later. Today was the first day I biked to work and back this spring.. and I really did not realize how much I missed the feeling of freedom bicycling gave me...

E-learning spring conference

I have spent the past 3 days at an e-learning conference.

I was invited to speak at the first day about "The role of the teacher in the changing world". The talk turned out ok, but somewhat less so than I expected of myself after 8+ hours of working on it. Provided for a good learning opportunity though, and sparked some discussion as well, so it probably filled its purpose and I have no real regrets :)

The rest of the conference was filled with good networking opportunities, as Anne made it her mission to introduce me to everyone even remotely important - and she turned out to have some pretty good connections. The foreign guests were of fairly high caliber, and she seemed to know quite a few of them personally.

As for the talks, they contained relatively little in terms of important information, but I had a lot to learn from the way they actually gave the talks. Especially so from a lecture on the second day, which was exactly the lecture that I would have wanted to be able to give myself, but for which I lacked the experience, skill and background. But that is normal, considering the speaker was twice my age, and had probably spent most of it teaching.

The conference dinner was at a night club, which meant that after the awards ceremony was over, they cranked up the music. This made having a conversation impossible - but provided an opportunity for dancing. Even two ballroom dances :)

All in all, it was a good conference - even considering I was somewhat underslept. But then again, that's what coffee is for, after all.

12.5 h workday

Ow how I missed those. Not that I plan to get into a habit of them any time soon, but it feels nice every once and a while

Agenda for today included:
Interviews with two students who are both just a thesis short of graduating
A discussion session between third year physics students and their program manager
Preparing a lecture for Wednesday

It seems that the physicists are putting much effort into making their teaching more effective.. just as our institute is planning to. So I have started warming up my old connections in their faculty... and finding the people I knew from the physics bus days right at the heart of it. It seems that they have been at it for quite some time, so it seems I may have a lot to learn from them... but I might also have a few things to contribute from my own side as well... As usual, only time will tell

We both have truths, are mine the same as yours?

- Pilate's song from Jesus Christ Superstar

It is only lately it is beginning to dawn on me that there really is no one single reality, but rather that everyone has their own. Or rather, that this is normal, and not something that should be changed at all costs.

But yes, sometimes it is better to accept that you have your own view of the world, while someone else has a completely different take, and that both of you are correct in some sense.

For some conflicts, the resolution requires the unification of world views of the two people. But this is not always so.

O ye that reject Faith!
I worship not that which ye worship,
Nor will ye worship that which I worship.
And I will not worship that which ye have been wont to worship,
Nor will ye worship that which I worship.
To you be your Way, and to me mine.

- Qu'ran, surah 109 "The Atheists"

And even for the cases where the unification is desirable, "talking it out" might not be possible, or reasonable. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Especially repeated actions.

Which of course makes allegations of the form "you always do X" that much harder to disprove too. Ah well, life's a bitch and then you die.

Perfect right

"If the people want laws, they have a perfect right to pass them. The criminal has a perfect right to break them, the police have a perfect right to arrest him, the judge has a perfect right to sentence him to jail, and so on."

- Raymond Smullyan

This has been my favorite quote since I first read it. However, I had now clue how deep it actually runs until two days ago, where a friend of mine spontaneously started sharing her insights on that topic.

I'm still quite sure I do not grasp the idea in its whole entirety and quite a bit of what she said to me is still way above my head. Nonetheless, some of it got through.

People have the perfect right to be who they are and to act as they see fit. Especially if a person feels good being who she is and his surroundings accept her for what she is.

Just as importantly, however - people have the right to not accept certain actions of other people - for instance when they perceive them as hurtful, inconsiderate or hostile. They have the right to react - to get hurt and to let the other person know that this has happened and why. Especially if the reaction is sincere.

However, a person that got hurt has no right to expect the other person to change his behavior. He might, if he feels that it is the right thing to do and wants to do better in the future.

In the end, it is up to the person who got hurt to decide what to do next. If the other party is willing to accept his mistake and do better, things can go on as before. If not, well, then one has a choice.

If it is just a casual acquaintance, it may well make sense to just steer clear of that person from then on. However, if it is someone close to you, things are somewhat different.

One possibility is to accept the person as she is and love her, her faults included - because noone is perfect and, more often than not, the few bad things are outweighed by all the good. And it is possible they may eventually want to change the more hurtful aspects, especially if the fact that they are hurting you hurts them too (i.e. if they really care about you). But you cannot really rush things - the wish has to come from within themselves.

Another one is to cut your losses and just move on - because, it is their choice if they wish to persist in hurting you, and you are allowed to use your freedom and just walk away.

It is important to realize that true closeness is only possible between two people who have both mutual and self-respect. The key is to respect the other persons own judgements and decisions, but not to the point where they surpass your own. To accept the other for who she is, and you for who you are, and not to try to force one over the other - or put up with someone doing the same to you.

After all, I want my partner to be my equal, not my slave. Which means, I expect her to have her own opinions, views and feelings. I expect her to be independent enough to contradict me and act on her own best judgement (even if I may not like it at the time) - and I expect her to let me do the same. And that this is the most valuable thing in a relationship - for, if you truly respect the other persons right to disagree with you, without washing it under the carpet (i.e. she's just too emotional, she doesn't know better, etc. ) ... well, I suppose that is the closest to "unconditional love" that is possible.

All my life I have had a bad tendency of getting mad at people who do not behave exactly like I would like them to behave. It seems that it's a game I play, and not a particularily healthy one at that. Now I only need to figure out how to stop playing it. And again - compassion is probably the way to go... and as Buddhists say, the first step is Awareness.

Just to write it down

As quite a few people ask me what my plans are after graduating, I thought I'd write them down. (Also, its good to have them down for reference for my future self)

So: In the semester that follows, I will Quit Cybernetica AS and move to uni full-time, where I will hopefully:

a) Give two lecture courses, "Introduction to Informatics" and "Programming 1"

b) Become the Study Councilor of our institute - so help resolve all sorts of organizational problems for the students.

c) Set up an after-hours study session where students can come ask for help about the courses for the first two years of bachelor's studies.

d) Be in charge of training our new teaching assistants.

At the moment, I am just writing up ideas and drafting documents that will hopefully one day become job descriptions for b,c and d. The main goal for the first semester is to finish these documents, i.e. figure out what actually needs doing and how to best go about it. I have enough ideas to start with but it is realistic most of them need to be reconsidered multiple times during the course of actual work.

Nevertheless, I do not want to jump into the matter unprepared and waste considerable effort reinventing the wheel. So I am doing research. For instance, today I met up with one of the graduates from "Noored kooli", who gave me an overview of how they were trained and what got him to where he is as a teacher. I also plan to have a chat with someone from Southwestern on similar topics. And last weeks visit to IT College was also to figure out what makes their system work better than ours. We also have ideas to use machine learning to determine the students most at risk of dropping out, so we could work with them directly as well. So work is ongoing.

Nevertheless, there is a lot of uncertainty there, as it doesn't happen often that you get to write your own job descriptions. Everything in this list is something I look forward to doing. But taken together, they may be biting off a bit more than I could chew, and I have considerable anxiety because of that.

Out of the ordinary

It has been a fairly unusual week, for practically noting interesting has happened.

Firstly, my home computer finally died. It has given me 6 years of good service and was already making horrible noises for the past half a year.. so this was to be expected. However, I did not run to replace it, but rather decided to live without a computer at home for a while. A week to begin with seemed reasonable.

Secondly, I spent the whole Monday and Tuesday in the library, reading. 100 pages/day of a textbook on security.

Thirdly. I have done next to no real work. Okay, I have drafted up a few ideas about my future, but otherwise, it has all been pretty laid back. Calm.

The strange thing is that its the first time in my life when I actually feel I need to slow down. I have known it rationally before, but this time, its not something I feel I should do, but actually something I want to do. That I have something to gain, to learn, from not running forward but just standing still.

So what do I hope to gain, really? Get my priorities in order and figure out which of my problems are imaginary and which ones are actually real. Deal with only the stuff that needs to be addressed as opposed to mindlessly running around trying to make everything better. Accept the world as it is for the most part, for only then is there real hope of improvement.

Nights can still get pretty bad though and I regularly have trouble falling asleep. Thankfully, it's usually all better in the morning.

I'd surrender, if only I could

I have come to realize quite a few important things over the past few days.

Firstly - emotional closeness is built on common experiences. Not talking, but just hanging out with no reason, or doing something fun. Devoting time to people that are important to you. Validating your understanding of their words through the feedback process of seeing their actual behavior. And that is the point of parties or get-togethers and going out drinking together. The point of all the activities I have systematically ignored as meaningless.

No wonder I feel distant from the world. And this is one of those things that you cannot really fix overnight - especially if your friends don't invite you anywhere any more because they "know" how it will turn out.

Secondly - this closeness has to be there with a girl before it can develop into anything more for me. Otherwise, it just feels so wrong. And not in some absolute moral sense. Just emotionally. Raw wrongness. Even with a nice, intelligent girl who I could see myself with... Learned this the hard way recently -- and yes, I'm capable of feeling like complete crap the morning after, even when practically nothing happened the night before.

Some days I just wish I could be like normal men my age.

Thirdly - we are all victims of our past experiences. And old habit, once developed, are hard to change. Same goes for assumptions about your friends. If a friend of yours used to be a complete moron and a prick, you still assume he behaves that way even when he has actually changed and does not do that any more with others. But since you so expect this to be the case, this is what ends up happening, partially because that is the only thing you look for in his behavior, and partially because he is used to interacting with you in those ways and is also a victim of his own habits.

The only way out of that situation is to confront it, and have both sides acknowledge this might be the case. Because it doesn't really help if just one side changes his ways.

All three points are important lessons to be learned, of course. It's just that I am tired of pushing forward in my social and emotional development. The past few months have probably aged me more than the two years preceding them - but the further I go, the more clearly I see the long road still ahead. Then again, that is always the case with true progress.

I have failed, I have been forsaken
I've been scorned and misunderstood
I have lost, my life has been taken
I'd surrender if only I could

-- Ayreon, The Charm of the Seer

But, as usual, surrender is not really an option, so I will just keep moving onwards. Not always easy, but worth it, at least judging by the past descisions.

From One Path to Another

There is a Path (Raja) Street in Tartu that is to locals synonymous with the mental hospital situated at its end. In Tallinn, there is a street with the same name - with the main attraction being the IT-College.

Yesterday I took the trip from one to the other, for I had a meeting with the director of the IT college to talk about the future of IT education. He explained the ideas behind his school and how they managed to get the costs down and quality up. Gave me quite a few good ideas.

I also stopped by a guitar shop to try an acoustic bass guitar. It actually sounded a lot better than I thought an acoustic bass would. I have wanted to try playing one for ages, but I haven't seen any on display in the stores in Tartu.

Afterwards, I went to see a friend, and then stopped by my mom's to wish her a Happy Women's day. My uncle was also there and he gave me a lift back to the bus station.

The decision to go to Tallinn for just one day actually came to me just yesterday evening, when I realized that Tuesday would be the only day this week that I could - and the guy I went to meet would not be there the next week.

In any case, it's been a pretty busy few days.
Saturday: Morning - tabletop role playing game. Evening - Birthday of two colleagues
Sunday: Morning - lab sesssion with high school students. Evening - Dancing class and band practice (with me serving pasta with mushrooms and octopus)
And on Monday I actually did some work... and then had a long chat with La. in the evening, when we were the last two people left at work.

On Monday, I got another good proposal for what to do after graduation. But after considering it, I decided to stay on the course I had chosen for myself beforehand and still stay with the University. Which may mean cutting some ties with the other company I am working for. Which is probably not something I should worry about.

And I don't. Because even if it is, I am still young, and have ways to go before reaching PNR, as my uncle so insightfully noted. So I still have time to make mistakes and to learn from them. After all, experience is what you get when you do not get what you wanted.

Non-Hamiltonian Thoughts

A Graph (in computer science terms) is a collection of points and lines (edges) that connect them. Like this:

The points and the lines can symbolize many different things. For instance, points can be cities and lines can be roads. Or points can be people and an edge can mean that the two people it connects are friends.

For the purposes of this post, the points are different thoughts and facts and the line between any two of them means that they are connected.

Now, when I start writing an essay (or a blog post), one of the first things I do is gather up all my thoughts that might be relevant to the topic in my head. I then try to find a narrative that passes through all of them but proceeds smoothly from one thought to the next. This usually means that every new thought has to be connected to the one directly preceding it, which means that the essay turns out to be a "walk" in the Thought graph - you start at one point and then move along the edges until you eventually finish at some other point.

You usually have an idea what thought you want to end up at. And finding a path from the starting thought to the ending one is usually not hard. So, in formal terms, essay writing is in P.

However, imagine a different problem. You have some problem that you want to discuss with a friend. You want to give her all the relevant background information.. and you would prefer to give an essay-like presentation, smoothly moving from one point to the other without repeating yourself. In graph-theoretic terms, this is the problem of finding a Hamiltonian path.

And the sad fact is that for most graphs, this is impossible to do, and, even when it is theoretically possible, it is NP-hard to find such a graph.

So even when you have a fairly good idea about all that you would like to talk about, it is still hard, if not impossible, to formulate them in a linear and coherent way - especially if the graph is not connected enough.

As a corollary: topic jumps and/or repeating yourself are sometimes unavoidable, and should thus be seen as a normal part of conversation. After all, they are the only two solutions that still allow you to cover all of the graph.

Tough Love

I started reading "The Last Lecture", written by Randy Pausch, a computer scientist who was dying of cancer at the time (and who has since passed away, but who did give a fabulous last lecture before he did). The guy really reminds me of me, or rather what I would like to be. He was smart and he knew it (read: arrogant). Chaotic and didn't care much about material posessions. Witty, and honest about his strenghts as well as his weaknesses. Likes cliches. One of the best lecturers in his faculty, but "being considered the best speaker in a computer science department is like being known as the tallest of the Seven Dwarves".

Most of the first half of the book is filled with descriptions of people pushing him forward by giving him honest feedback. His father, his football coach, his academic supervisor. The things they said or did were not usually nice. But they were just the right things to push him to become the person he eventually did. I have had many similar experiences, with the most painful ones having given me the most help when looked at in the long run.

He writes:
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care for you, and want to make you better."

The responsibility of an educator is to help his students advance. And, as I know from experience, being nice to the students and believing in them goes a long way towards that. And this tactic is fairly safe, as no harm will come to either you or the students. Being nice to everyone is the easy way to go. But it is not always the most efficient thing. Or the right thing.

Quoting Prof. Pausch again
"It's an accepted cliche in education that the number one goal of teachers should be to help students learn how to learn. I always saw the value in that, sure, but in my mind, a better number one goal was this: I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves."

Giving honest feedback in a way that it actually helps the other person is tricky, however. "Getting people to welcome feedback was the hardest thing I had to do as an educator", Randy comments. You have to make sure that they are ready to receive it, do not interpret it as a threat to their identity and are willing and capable of changing themselves. To do it properly, you really do have to care for the person.

This only reminds me just how lucky I am with the friends that I have. They point out my flaws when they see them. Sometimes too early, so that I only later understand what they mean, and sometimes a bit late, as when I have already managed to hurt them by my ignorance. But what matters is that they do it. And not because they think badly of me, but because they care.

There is an analogue with massage therapy. There is the relaxing massage, that feels nice during therapy and for a little while after. And then there is massage during which you feel like screaming for half an hour straight but then feel more relieved and free than you have ever been and the feeling lasts for days or even longer. Undoubtedly both help. But given the choice, I would prefer the second.

With back massages, I also tend to give the second type. But with my students my approach to teaching tends more towards the soft, safe version. And the same is also true with my friends. They give me honest feedback, but I rarely manage to return the favor.

Part of it is the fact that I try to look for the good in people. The other part is that I actively repress, or at least used to repress, all negative emotions (anger, resentment, disappointment, disgust) concerning other people. It is only lately that I have come to realize that the feelings are there for a reason, and that they can provide invaluable information and insight if I only learn to listen. But it is hard, if you have a long history of pure denial behind you.

All this has also made me realize the true value of compassion, extolled as the highest of virtues by nearly all of worlds religions. Compassion is what allows you to take the negative as what it is -- merely a signal that something is wrong, no more, no less. Compassion to others helps you see the hurt and pain that causes them to hurt you. Compassion to yourself allows you to forgive you your own negative emotions and to let them be, instead of pushing them out. And it has also made me realize just how hard it can be to practice. Taiji does help, and most other meditative practices will probably do the same, but it is still hard most of the time.

Respecting others means also respecting their right to make their own mistakes (for who knows, what you think is a mistake might turn out not to be). Compassion to others means forgiving them once they have chosen to learn from those mistakes and try to do better. And not holding it against them if they take time doing so. This is the famous Parable of the Prodigal son.

Which of course does not imply you need to hold your breath waiting. Or that you need to have a cow ready to offer when the son does finally return. Life goes on, after all.

"Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."
-- Randy Pausch to the woman he loved

Once in a Blue Moon

Had a board game evening with my colleagues. Of the 7 people invited, 2 had fallen sick and 1 had not received the invitation ( UT mail accounts get closed a few weeks after you graduate, as I found out ). So I invited a few friends over who live close by. One of them could join us for games, but the other just promised to stop by to pick up something she had left at my place.

We had ostrich egg omelet for dinner. And yes, one egg is enough to feed 6 people. To get to the egg, you need to drill two holes in the opposite sides of the egg.. and then blow out the insides. Taste is quite comparable to that of normal chicken eggs, but there is nevertheless a difference. Can't really say which one is better, though.

The board game I had gotten for my birthday, "Robo rally", turned out to be really fun. You had to make plans for each turn.. and then watch the plan fall to pieces because of the actions of others. Who, mostly, were not even intentionally trying to screw you. Fun was had by all.

After two games, it was 11 at night and we called it quits - my colleagues wanted to go home to sleep, and I had a party I had planned to go to.

"The Equator" as it is called. The midway point between beginning and end of the bachelors programme for biology students. I attended it two years ago, and the impressions were really good. So good, in fact, that I almost did not want to go to India last year because that made me miss the party.

But I did get to go this year. And it was still pretty good.. although, unlike two years earlier, I knew just one person there this time... . but, then, what are parties for than for meeting new and interesting people. That and dancing of course.

I realised I had not been dancing for nearly a year. Shame on me. I really should do it more often. The two hours today really made me understand what I have been missing.

And, although dancing alone is also quite ok, its always better to do it with someone... especially someone you like. And then to sink into a couch alongside that person, just lay back and talk about life, universe and everything. And to send her home later on.

Seriously, what have I been doing for this past year?

Oh, right.

Hedgehogs

I met yet another person who so reminded me of M.

This time, however, he was male.

But, it was sad hearing him describe how his girlfriend has just kept on pushing and pushing, and how he has grown to like her less and less.

"I used to feel good after being together with her. This has changed."

Some things can't be forced. And sometimes, more effort does not give a better result.

Its like the hedgehogs. If you catch one, their first reaction is to curl up into a ball, so that they are prickly all over. So anywhere you touch them, you get hurt. They do not do this to hurt you, but because they are scared. But the more you try to cuddle them, the tighter they curl up and the longer they take to uncurl.

Another quote from R. that I was saving for just this post. This time two sentences;

"You have to give the other person room to love you. If you do all the loving, of course the other one is going to run out."

This is not only the case between men and women, by the way. For instance, about a week ago I realised that this is probably the main reason why me and my mother have only grown more distant as time goes on. She tries to do everything she can for me, and the more she tries, the less I let her. It's instinctive, as I am struggling to hold on to my independence and feel that her help is a threat to it. Not a very grown-up reaction, so I will try to do better from now on.

This also happens with friends sometimes. You see that a friend has a problem, and ask about it, and get the equivalent of "Mind your own business". What they really mean is "Please leave me alone, I really do not want to talk about it".. because saying "I do not want to talk about it" is usually just a way of saying "I do want to talk about it". I know all too well now, since I have been on both the giving and the receiving ends.

In such cases, asking about the reaction is the equivalent of poking the hedgehog and - again - it is best to just let the friend be. He probably knows you are there and willing to listen, and will use that opportunity when he needs it. And he probably did not mean anything bad to you, even if he said otherwise.

After all, it is a completely natural stress reaction. Reflexive. Like with hedgehogs.