A translation

My grandmother is currently suffering from Alzheimer's disease, and both my mother and her sister are caring for her. It is hard on them - in many ways, but in part because they do not understand what the disease means or what my grandmother herself might actually be feeling.

Tiina found a poem online (in 9GAG of all places) that, at least to my mind, seems to communicate the emotions inside my grandmother pretty well:


So - I took the liberty of translating it to Estonian, in the hopes it might help my mother and her sister a little.

Minult mäletamist palun ära oota,
ega mõistmist, raske on ka see.
Mul on jäänud vaid üht asja loota:
kätt mul hoiad sellel raskel teel

Olen lootusetult segaduses, eksind,
Kurb ja haige, meeleheitel ma,
Tahan vaid, et ükskõik mis sel hind,
et sa hooliks, oleks minuga.

Oma kannatust sa ära kaota palun,
ära nuta, ega sõima-vannu ka.
Olen abitu, ning kuigi ära talun,
küll vaid tahaks, kuid ei suuda muutuda.

Palun tea, et väga sind ma vajan,
nüüd kus alles minust üksnes varemed.
Püsi siin, sest seisan vaid su najal,
hooli minust, kuni saad sa veel.

I cried through most of the translation process. Those with family members suffering from the disease - you hopefully understand.

How to survive intensive periods

A student sent me an e-mail asking if I had any tips for surving an intensive period. I started writing the answer and soon found that it had become much longer than anticipated... and that I was writing it for myself more than for the student who asked me the question. 

The conclusion is something I plan to try for a few weeks. All my friends - please hold me up to it - especially to the "do not neglect your friends" bit.

(sadly, the text is in estonian, but I've heared Google Translate has gotten pretty good these days).

---------------------------------------------------------------

Tervist,

Tegelikult pean tunnistama, et ei tea sellest valdkonnast üldse nii lõpmatult palju. Üldiselt psühholoogiat õppides olen aga üht-teist kasulikku kõrva taha pannud, ning eks seda üritagi ka SI aine raames jagada. 

Lühike kokkuvõte asjadest, mis peaks teaduslikult vähemalt osalist kinnitust saanud olema:

1) 40 h töönädal kehtestati põhjusega: enamus inimesi hakkavad 50+ h töötades läbi põlema. Alguses töö efektiivsem, aga kusagil 6-10 nädalaga jõutakse punkti, kus 60 h jooksul saadakse tehtud vähem, kui varem 40 h jooksul saadi. Sellest august taastumine võtab aega paarist nädalast paari kuuni, sõltub kas tegemist päris puhkuse või lihtsalt vähendatud intensiivusega tööga. 

Moraal: intensiivseid perioode saab teha, aga ~6-8 nädalat, ja peale seda tuleb puhkus (või vähem intensiivne periood) planeerida. 

2) 99% "toitumisteadustest" on jama. Selle pahna seest reaalseid nõuandeid üles leida raske ja ei oska neid siinkohal jagada, sest pea kõige osas vastakaid arvamusi. Midagi konsensuse laadset ainult selle osas, et juurviljad-puuviljad üldiselt kasulikud, rasv ja suhkur ja alkohol suurtes kogustes kahjulikud. Regulaarsed söögiajad väga kasulikud, nagu ka 3 korda päevas söömine. You know, the usual stuff.

Kehaline aktiivsus on oluline. Olulisem, kui söömine. Ei pea olema mingi intensiivne trenn (5 korda nädalas jõusaal), aga 20 min päevas teeb juba päris suure vahe.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-to-gain-or-lose-30-minutes-of-life-everyday on üks huvitav artikkel sel teemal, kuidas asjad elu pikkust mõjutavad.

Mis veel kasulik on, on mediteerimine. Ei pea midagi keerulist tegema - piisab kui 10 min päevas võtta puhtalt sellele, et keskenduda oma hingamisele ja kehale ja mitte mõelda oma igapäevamuredest. Võtab stressitaseme maha (mh on näidatud selle mõju teatud ärevushäirete tagasilanguse vältimisel). Stressirikastel perioodidel seega väga kasulik.

Moraal: Söö regulaarselt, liiguta ennast kasvõi natukene ja pane aega kõrvale et mediteerida regulaarselt. Üle pingutada ei maksa - 20-30 min aktiivsust päevas ja 10-20 min mediteerimist on aga mõlemad head investeeringud. 

3) Emotsioonid on olulised, ja läbi põlemine on pigem nende kui füüsilise kurnatuse teema (kuigi viimane vaieldamatult aitab sellele kaasa). Seega tuleb arvestada, ja ka oma em. heaolu eest vastutav olla. 

Esimene asi, mida teada maksab, on et positiivne emotsioon ei ole negatiivse vastand, vaid nad eri telgedel. Neg em. ära võtmine ei tekita veel pos. em. Ning inimeste kalduvus tunda positiivseid emotsioone ("Ekstravertsus" tänapäevases psühholoogias) ei ole eriti korelleeritud inimeste kalduvusega tunda negatiivseid emotsioone ("Neurootilisus"). 

Kõigepealt neg emotsioonidega tegelemise osas:

Mediteerimine aitab ärevuse vastu. Seda sai juba mainitud. Võtab natuke aega, et mediteerima õppida (nädal-paar), aga edasi väga selged kasud, ja ärevuse tase väheneb oluliselt. Eriti hea asi nimega "Progressive muscle relaxation". Guugelda, kui huvi on. 

Depressioon suuresti valede mõttemustrite küsimus. Kui sellega (kasvõi natukene) probleeme, soovitan "Võit depressiooni üle" raamatut, kus oluline kas seal esitatud harjutusi reaalselt teha. Enda puhul tean, et see vahel raske, küll aga alati ja eranditult kasulik olnud, kui seda teinud olen. "Cognitive-behavioral therapy" on üks võtmesõna, mille järgi otsida netist, kui vaja. See tõendatult efektiivne selliste asjade vastu. Aitab hästi ka siis, kui oled ennast auku töötanud.

Nüüd positiivse juurde. Positiivsete emotsioonide juures maksab eristada kolme: õnnelikkus, rahulolu ja flow.  

Õnnelikkus on lühiajaline ja enamasti mingi sündmuse reaktsioonina. Läheb üle, ja see on normaalne. Oleks hea, kui elu seda aeg-ajalt pakuks.,

Rahulolu on oma pikaajaliste tegemistega rahul olemine. Selle tase tõstetav sellega, et sa hakkad tähele panema, mis hästi läinud on (nii endal kui teistel) ja kiitma selle eest. Hea algus on, kui iga päev 3 asja leiad, millega rahul oled või mille eest tänulik oled. Teiste kiitmine muuseas tekitab ka positiivseid emotsioone.

Flow, ehk see, kui sa teed midagi, millesse sa ennast unustad ja ei märkagi, et aeg möödub. See ei ole midagi müstilist või maagilist, vaid üks väga praktiline asi. Flow tekib nimelt siis, kui sa töötad oma praeguste oskuste piiri peal - kohas, kus sa tunned, et saad hakkama (s.o. ei ole ärevust, et ma ei jaksa) ja kus sul ei ole ka igav (s.o. see on mõttetu, mida ma teen). Suuresti suhtumise küsimus, sest kõik on huvitavaks tehtav. Kasvõi mõttetud tegevused, kui hakkad iseendaga võistlema, kui kiiresti need valmis saad (esimene kord 5 minutit. 10-s kord 40 sek).

Selle punkti all oluline rõhutada ka sõprade tähtsust. Kiiretel perioodidel kipuvad nad ära ununema, aga seda ei tohiks lasta juhtuda. Sõbrad on suure hulga pos. em. allikad, ja toetavad enamasti ka negatiivsetega. Seega - ükskõik kui kiire sul on, sõpru ära unusta.

Moraal: hoolitse enda eest emotsionaalselt. Kui tekivad probleemid ärevusega või depressiivsusega, tegele nendega. Tuleta endale iga päev meelde, miks sa neid asju teed, mida teed, ja mis on hästi läinud. Leia selleks 10 min päevas, tasub ära. Ja kindlasti ära unusta sõpru. 

4) Ajaplaneerimisest on palju kirjutatud ja võtteid on palju erinevaid. Kui aga ühte head soovitust tahad siis ma soovitaks rakendada seda Ericcsoni oskuste õppimise mudelit ajahaldamisele. Selle peamine järeldus: et areneda, tuleb jälgida mida sa teed ja teha teadlikult parandusi. Õpipäevik on üks pool sellest: aitab anda ülevaate, mida sa teinud oled. Teine pool on reflektsioon: kas kõik see, mida tegin, on mõistlik?

Kasulik on korra nädalas võtta aeg et läbi reflekteerida oma eelmine nädal. Mis läks hästi, mis halvasti. Mida saaks parandada, ja kuidas ma seda järgmisel nädalal parandan (konkreetsed tegevused, plaanid). Kui seda teed, siis garanteerin et su ajahaldusoskused arenevad, ükskõik kui head või halvad nad sul praegu on. Seega, kui mul oleks anda sel teemal üks soovitus oleks see just see:

Moraal: leia nädalas 20-30 min, et panna eelmise nädala kohta kirja, millega oled rahul, ja mida saaks parandada, ning formuleeri üks asi, mida järgmisel nädalal teisiti ja paremini teed. Ja järgmise nädala lõpus vaata kindlasti üle, kuidas sellega läks. Ja pane kõik see kirja! Tagab arengu ajahalduse ja ka muudel rinnetel.

Ja kui teha kõigest eelnevast veel kokkuvõte, siis:

Leia iga päev tund aega iseendale, millest: 

* 30 min trenn

* 10 min mis oli täna positiivset

* 10 min mediteerimine

* 10 min oma tegevuste reflektsioon

Lisaks:

* Toitu üldiselt tervislikult ja ürita söömise ajad regulaarseks saada

* Leia kindlasti vähemalt korra nädalas aega sõprade jaoks. 

See kiri sai plaanitust pikem, aga ehk annad andeks. Kirjutasin seda praegu lahti ka enda jaoks, sest viimasel ajal tunnen, et ka endal on nende asjadega jälle probleemi. Siit sain vist lahendused ka enda jaoks.

Ehk siis: aitäh väga hea küsimuse eest :)

Parimat,

Margus

Nostalgia

These past few days I have had a strong surge of nostalgia, remembering different times and places from the past.

There have been surface reasons for it - an old classmate (from middle school) dying, a visit to that same school building (and seeing some of my old teachers).

However, I think there is a deeper reason that is more important. Life is changing around me at a pace that feels too fast for me, so I am looking for things in the past to hold on to... and not finding much. Sure, there are old and good friends, but even with them the relationship is different (although probably better) from what it used to be. And I am still living in the same place I have been for the past 6 years, but with my neighbor now moving, it has also become somewhat different.

The biggest change in my life has been entering a relationship - one that might actually last, since it is based neither on desperation nor illusions of perfection. If I had one word to describe the experience, it would be "scary" - mostly because of all the thing it had dredged up from inside me. Thankfully, she has been very understanding and will hopefully continue to be so in the future.

There is also some uncertainty about the future in terms of my career, as I still have no clear plan of what direction I want to take my life, but it seems that the decision time is approaching rapidly.

In many ways, I feel quite similar to the time roughly a year ago. Like another chapter of my life is drawing to a close and another one is starting. If this is true, it is the time to reminisce and reflect before marching on.

All things must pass

I just gave two fairly good and motivating lectures (judging by the feedback), but I have apparently hit bottom myself. Scary, actually.

I just want to fall down and...

Not even think, for I did something very stupid... very stupid... and only time will tell how bad the reprecussions for it are.

The next few days are going to be interesting.

Edit: Relatively minor reprecussions, if any, it seems.

So I wither

But I feel I'm getting nowhere,

and I'll never see the end.

So I wither,

and render myself helpless;

I give in, and everything is clear;
I break down,
and let the story guide me.

- "Wither", Dream Theater

After the debate on Tuesday, I basically collapsed. A part of me apparently figured now there would be less stress and things to do so that it is ok to relax and take it easier... well, sadly, that part was somewhat mistaken (which is why I am at work on such a fine Saturday).

Depressive thoughts still haunt me every now and then. This morning, for instance. But I'm getting better at handling them.

So - what helps in my case? Just accepting the situation. The fact that I am sad and withering. And that it is in fact me who is rendering myself helpless. Giving in, basically - not panicking and looking for a solution but acknowleging that in the short term, there isn't anything I really can do. Breaking down, and just letting things go as they will, so to say, letting the story guide me, without trying to manage everything.

Or maybe it is just the nice weather outside. Most probably both.

And the shadow of the day ...

I spent most of the week at a mentoring seminar, learning how to support the development of young teachers.

The key point of the seminar was to support their development into an independent person who can self-reflect and rely on his/her own assessments without relying on external self-validation. And the way you do that is by not giving them feedback, or validation for that matter, but slowly guiding them to rely on their own best judgement, just helping them see the whole picture, if they are missing some pieces. A lot like cognitive therapy, actually.

It did drive a few points home regarding my personal life - as there, I often tend to try to affirm and help my friends as best I can - often to very bad effect, as people prefer to be able to do things independently, and feel this help is constraining them. I had realized this was the case a few weeks ago, but the seminar helped me understand the mechanics better.

The restlessness discussed in the last post still follows me. I went to the seminar with barely 4 hrs of sleep at night - and still had trouble getting to bed in the evening, managing it only after a walk along the deserted night beach. The seminar was held in Narva-Jõesuu, which has 12 km of truly amazing shoreline, about 2 of which I walked that night.

The next day when I woke up, my roommate (who had missed the first day) had arrived in the night, and as he turned out to be from the IT college, the next night was spent with him discussing different aspects of CS education and how our institutions differ. It went til 4 a clock, again giving us just 4 and a half hours of sleep.

Next night I left so I could be in Tallinn to see the Dalai Lama talk in front of the Estonian Academy of Sciences. As I had to meet two of my friends in the morning before the talk, the night was again pretty short - 6 hrs, maybe. The 4 hr bus ride was unforgettable, as the sun was slowly setting across the picturesque landscape of North-East Estonia.

The talk itself was somewhat dissapointing. After the troubles of getting my friends in (their names had not been passed along), we got a back row seat and got only a fleeting glimpse of the spirutal leader. The talk was on buddhisms connection with sciences, and the questions were pretty standard and seemed mainly meant just to show off the intelligence of the asker. And in the end, the man was just escorted away, without the informal questions part we initially thought would follow.

The main thing I will remmember from the day is meeting Nirti, a young blogger and writer who I had actually invited myself via a proxy, but whom I had only exchanged a short e-mail with before. Me, Mart and Kristiina went to lunch with her, and the four of us clicked pretty well. Kristiina left at some point, then Mart had to go to the train and in the end it was just the two of us walking towards the bus station, sharing stories from our youth.

After yet another 4 hrs in the bus, I was back at the Spa with my Seminar group - who had postponed dinner for an hour so that I arrived just in time. We then convened in the Piano bar downstairs, when one of the group started playing Valgre on the piano, while the others just sat and listened in awe - later joining in to sing the more famous songs.

Not a day I will forget any time soon - and I dare say not because but rather in spite of the Lama.

Saturday was also fairly interesting, as a physicist friend of mine invited me along with his family to what (to both of our surprise) turned out to be the birthday party of two people - one a car salesman and another a photographer. There was a very nice russian girl with very well-cared dreadlocks, who took it upon herself to fix my hair up as well - and spent quite a few hours at it. This gave us ample time to talk. She had done many different things - acting, project writing, playing keyboards in a heavy metal group, fire shows (one of which she performed later in the evening, with Poi and fans) etc. Im only a bit sad I did not get to repay her the favor for fixing my hair. I also had quite a long discussion with the physicist friend about the meaning of a good life, and how to get there.

And now - I am at a CS summer school with my colleagues. Tired from the week behind me, and with quite a bit on my mind that just needs quiet contemplation. I hope they will understand me staying a bit more quiet and reserved than usual.
Then again - I have no clue what my usual really is anymore. There are months where I can't stand to be alone, and now it seems there seem to be weeks where I need to. Only time will tell what the equilibrium will look like or rather, whether it will actually settle down at all.

Welcome to life damnation

Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to go,
Welcome to life damnation!
Welcome to fun,
Welcome to hope,
Here is your invitation!
- Edguy, "Overture"

Yesterday I realized that - in a way - I have reached the end of the line. I am at a point where I really have nothing that I can meaningfully work towards achieving. The things I want, I either have or have no way of pursuing. Or rather, any pursuit thereof would only drive them further away.

Gloomy... in a sense... as I am having to battle with the despair of complete pointlessness.

But also very freeing - for if there really is nothing I could usefully do, I can stop worrying about these things and do stuff I actually find fun.

Extreme ups followed by despairing downs... and this rollercoaster may well keep on going for a while. Guess I'm in for a fun ride.

Algorithms in Real Life

I was recently introduced to the algorithm for proper drinking:
You drink some alcohol. You wait.
If you do not see the effects, go to the beginning.
If you do see the effects, wait until they start wearing off,
then go to the beginning.

Apply that to emotions and you get the algorithm for the most common form of meditation:
You sense the emotions coming over you. You wait.
If they do not affect you, keep going.
If they do affect you, just try to look at them from a distance.
When they stop affecting you, go to the beginning.

For strong, overwhelming emotions, the algorithm is somewhat different though:
"Think a nice thought, about someone you care about. Go for a walk for 15 minutes. Anything to stop ruminating", as one of my co-workers said.

Why I love my job

I gave a lecture this morning, (Monday) at 8.15. On theoretical computer science. Half of it was set theory, the other half computability and complexity theory. Complicated stuff by most first year's standards.

And the students actually liked it!!!! Most of the feedback (that actually contained anything) was positive! They thought the stuff I explained was cool... and they seemed to understand it.

Recovery

Went to the post office today (to send a birthday card to my grandmother) only to realize it wasn't there any more. And I could have sworn it still was there like... ... half a year ago... okay, that explains it.

Things change, apparently.

Went to the Kaubamaja to buy the postcard and a stamp from there.. only to realize I had forgot to take a pen. So I headed back toward the office and stumbled onto a - guess what - the new central post office. Which I must have walked past 10-20 times by now.

Bought a new postcard from there. A lot cheaper and nicer. Someone saw me slide the old one into my pocket - wonder if they suspected me of stealing... probably :P

Good clean grief you must believe and I ain't no thief. Law abiding and all, all legal.

Grief. Yes, a natural reaction when you lose a friend. When you lose the only person you really could speak to who you knew would listen and understand, without feeling you were a burden for them. I have the required symptoms for a depression diagnosis. Which do trust me, are not fun - unless you would somehow enjoy three weeks filled mostly with apathy, tiredness, sleep problems and inability to feel pleasure.

The manual does state that a month of grief is normal, however... and it is indeed starting to get better. Taiji helped. So do a few other factors. L., mainly. Although breaking the coffee habit probably also helped. Clean for a week now.

Interestinlgy, the mood has been fairly stable. No regrets, really. Nothing obvious I did wrong or should necessarily have done better. Just life - learn to accept the things you cannot change and to try to change only the things you can.

How to get mint cocoa - make a cup of mint tea for yourself. Drink it. Leave for half an hour. Then go get a cup of cocoa. See a teabag floating in the cocoa and realize this is how it works. Tastes pretty good, by the way :)

I was fairly convinced I was way behind on my work.. but now when I actually managed to write up the estonian summary in just a few hours, I may rethink that view. That was the last part of the thesis, by the way. Practically done with formatting too. Only thing that is left is to review the last paper and potentially rewrite it somewhat. If I still have a lot of time left after that, I may actually add another chapter on recent new ideas that my supervisor has been having that would make the thesis a bit more complete. But that is somewhat improbable, since we haven't quite worked out the details yet. We'll see.