A Battle with Pride and Ego

A battle with pride and ego,
A journey that started long ago.
- Hammerfall

Those who do not yet know. I am 23 and have been writing my PhD thesis for most of this summer. In the past week, I have been finalizing the last paper to go into it - which I do not technically even need as I have 4 publications without it already. In any case, the thesis is practically done. And by done I mean that I could hand it in on Monday, if I wanted to. And I pretty much planned to, because I wanted to defend the thesis before 07.01.2011 - that is, before turning 24 - which would have made me the youngest person to get a PhD in Tartu for at least 20, more probably 50 years.

And then...

I decided to postpone the defence of my PhD thesis to May next year. The thought came to me clear as day on thursday evening, when walking home.

Reasons for postponing:

The pragmatical:

My supervisor has some ideas that would tie up some of the major loose ends currently left in the thesis - adding a lot to the quality of the thesis.

When applying for a postdoc position, it is important to have a good thesis and at least one really good paper on your CV. The last paper is pretty good, but it would be good to have it published too in order to confirm it's quality.

EuroCrypt 2011, one of the three biggest conferences in my field, is held in Tallinn. It is much easier to get a good opponent if I am to defend right before or right after the conference.

Postdoc positions usually start from autumn semesters so there would be no real benefit from graduating sooner. There is a new professor coming to Tartu and I would like to see what direction things take with him here and make my choices accordingly. This means I will want to stay in Tartu for the spring semester.

I get the support funding for doctorial studies for one additional semester (although, my superiors have promised me to match that with a pay increase once I graduate).

I can still take university courses for both spring and autumn semesters.

The emotional:

I do not think I am ready to say my goodbyes with being a student yet. A lot has happened over the past two years. I am not the person I was back then. Quite far from it. Maybe a bit too far, as I have lost my sense of identity. I do not feel I am a student, or a scientist, or a lecturer.. or anything, at this point. I enjoy all three roles but all of them in a different way -- they complement eachother and as such I am reluctant to give up any of them. I would also like a period of more stability to figure things out for myself. And by stability I mean avoid drastic changes, as these usually take a lot of resource to cope with.

Related to the preceding thought - I would like to concentrate on the social aspects of life over the professional ones. I would like to form closer and more authentic relationships with people, emphasizing quality over quantity. That is again something that is hard to do when you have to deal with changes in your professional life.

Also - I feel a bit more secure now about myself and who I am.. and do not really need the ego boost that making some national headlines would bring. Media attention is not always a good thing, anyways...

Still, it was not an easy decision. Not by a long shot. At this point, the thesis really is ready to present, and somehow, the thought that I will not do it still bothers me.