The weekend I needed.

Thursday was a 14-hr workday. I got home at 2 AM in the morning.

Only to wake up at 9 and have another 8 hrs - with two consecutive seminars held, one with masters students and for 2 hrs, another with our faculty, lasting 3.

And then I had half a Taiji practice to give on top of all this. So by 8 p.m. I was pretty much putty, both physically and mentally.

Just the perfect time to go meet a nice girl for coffee.. and then go spend the rest of the evening with two good friends who had decided to drop in unexpectedly (and so had to wait for a few hours, by which time they managed to do away with half of my sweets and all of my candles). The three of us had a lot of fun, and it continued for them even after I set off to bed.

The whole of Saturday was spent playing a single 10-hour session of "Arkham horror". Also just the perfect thing to do after an exhausting week.

And now, Sunday, which me and my roommate spent fixing my couch with a drill, steel wire and spare computer parts.

Back to work tomorrow - with quite a few new ideas.

It's not like you to resign to your fate

There are days I *really* wish the world worked by a different logic than it actually does.

But the fact of life is it does not. And one could bitch and moan about it all one wants, the logic will not change. To get something, you have to work for it, and whether you "deserve it" or not has relatively little if anything at all to do with it.

In some sense, it is the most fair of all the possible ways things can be. Those, who can conqueror their fears and laziness are the ones that succeed - not those with innate "gifts" or "good moral character".

Trouble, of course, being that effort is hard. Especially when you encounter setbacks. But that is essentially what separates people - whether they have the strength to keep pushing, or just give up.

I have gone the latter route way too long now in one aspect of my life. Time to turn things around and get it handled. After all, it is only myself who is holding me back.

All things must pass

I just gave two fairly good and motivating lectures (judging by the feedback), but I have apparently hit bottom myself. Scary, actually.

I just want to fall down and...

Not even think, for I did something very stupid... very stupid... and only time will tell how bad the reprecussions for it are.

The next few days are going to be interesting.

Edit: Relatively minor reprecussions, if any, it seems.

So I wither

But I feel I'm getting nowhere,

and I'll never see the end.

So I wither,

and render myself helpless;

I give in, and everything is clear;
I break down,
and let the story guide me.

- "Wither", Dream Theater

After the debate on Tuesday, I basically collapsed. A part of me apparently figured now there would be less stress and things to do so that it is ok to relax and take it easier... well, sadly, that part was somewhat mistaken (which is why I am at work on such a fine Saturday).

Depressive thoughts still haunt me every now and then. This morning, for instance. But I'm getting better at handling them.

So - what helps in my case? Just accepting the situation. The fact that I am sad and withering. And that it is in fact me who is rendering myself helpless. Giving in, basically - not panicking and looking for a solution but acknowleging that in the short term, there isn't anything I really can do. Breaking down, and just letting things go as they will, so to say, letting the story guide me, without trying to manage everything.

Or maybe it is just the nice weather outside. Most probably both.

Crime and punishment

For the past two days I have been discovering the joys of preparing for a public debate.

A few revelations:
a) Law texts are near impossible to read and even harder to interpret right. I have newfound respect for lawyers...

b) Homework takes time... a lot of time. Even if presentation is short, the amount of work that can go into it is enormous.

c) Processes at the level of the society are a lot more complicated than I first imagined. So much for a simple view of the world.

d) I am a bit out of my league. Thank god I am not debating my side alone. The fact is we are facing a true heavyweight, which is why I am putting in all this homework.

e) All this can be surprisingly enjoyable, as the amount of new things you learn when entering a new field is quite staggering.

I feel I should just stop reading now as my brain is nearing critical mass

Edit: For those of you interested in the result - link

Strange days

I woke up at around 1 pm, because my cellphone had run out of battery.

I left, punching in the code for my security system... and after closing the door, I hear my roommate running down to disable the system again. Turns out he also slept in, but for somewhat different reasons.

Get to work only to find the parking lot full. Bicycle parking lot. Thankfully, a girl was coming out and removed her cycle so that I could put mine in its place.

Salsa lesson - and I still mess up the steps on occasion, but its looking better and better each time.

And even after that hour in salsa, I still managed a 10-hr workday. Yep - I got home at midnight. But, as I told (and then sang) my roommate, "I feel good".

His comment - I think I will actually hear you crack quite soon.

He might be right. Although my guess it has already happened.

Random encounters

Today was a pretty weird day.

I arrived at the office at around 11, hoping to get 3 hrs of work before a meeting I had scheduled.

* At about 12, one of my former students from the programming course comes and tells me she needs motivation, because one of the teaching staff was pretty nasty to her. Unexpected, as I was not on duty at the counceling office.

* Before I had finished with her, the head of the institute shows up and invites me to a meeting at the Rectors office about the IT academy. At 2. Completely random.

I do the IT academy meeting, followed by another meeting with mathematicians about their part in our new curricula.

* When walking to my next appointment at the student union, I meet an old friend from physics bus days, but whom I hadnt seen for 2-3 years. Turns out she had also worked as a program manager in the mean time, and she wished me all the best with my job. A few turns later I run into the program manager for the computer systems curriculum just as I am turning the corner.

I do the meeting at the student union, go to the salsa lesson, then leave for the central square to meet Kati, the girl I hung out with while in London. We leave for my place to cook Seitan.

* Just as seitan is boiling, there is a knock on the door. It is my ex-satanist friend, asking for water (as he has just returned from jogging). Has happenned before, but still, the pun is too obvious to be ignored.

We eat, and I send Kati off to where she was staying.

* On my way back, walking over a bridge at around half to one, I notice three people enjoying the night view to the river. As I get closer, they turn towards me instead, and I recognize one - he is the same guy, I had the meeting with at the student union. Another guy also says hi, and his face is also vaguely familiar. Turns out all three are psychology majors.

They invite me to join them in doing nothing. So I get in the car with them, we drive around for a while and then I invite them over for guitar hero.

* As we are starting, there is a knock on the window, with some guy asking us if we have a cigarette. In my 5 years living here, this is the first time that has happenned.

We play guitar hero for half an hour, at which point I send them off on their way - still being visibly surprised about the completely unexpected turn of events their evening had taken.

Happens, I suppose