Yesterday started off when I woke up at 8.30, after about 5.5 h sleep. This was to get to the first practice session of this semester - first for both me and my students.
As I was teaching first years, I started off with a 20 min lecture about how university is different from high school and what to expect when studying in our faculty. We then started the practice session itself. Since it was the first practice session, nearly everything that could go wrong did - the programming environment was set up a bit wrong and so a quarter of the work plan had to be discarded...
Nevertheless, it was fun. It is good to know that I still enjoy teaching, at least to a degree. It already felt good the day before, when preparing the slides, but actually supervising the session only confirmed it. Also, it seems that my teaching skills have improved markedly - again something that is good to know.
I then spent about 4 hours putting together the course plan for "Introduction to Informatics". Also had lunch with my co-workers from Cybernetica. By the end, I had the lecture plan more or less figured out.
Also, it turns out they are about to terminate my previous work contract with the University and I will be without official status for a few days before they get my new contract filed - which means no access to the teaching side of ÕIS. Should be fun.
One of the project managers in the faculty also contacted me and asked whether I wanted to get famous - turns out the media department is gathering some advertising material about all faculties and when she was contacted about it, she immediately thought of me. That was nice of her:)
At about 4, I went to see "The last airbender" with L. First full-length 3D movie I saw - and I was not too impressed. The 3d effects were quite minimal - only felt them in a few scenes. Also, the movie itself was average at best, although my opinion may be biased because I have seen the cartoon too. What I liked about the latter was that it was hilariously funny. The movie, on the contrary, was very serious and dark - guess thats what you get when you let M. Night Shaymalan direct the movie. Also, I did not like the casting - especially concerning the waterbender girl. And the martial arts scenes with element bending seemed too artificial - a feeling that I did not get from the cartoons.
Also, me and L. sat right next to my neighbor and his three kids. What were the chances of that?
After the movie, I had to get right back to the faculty to appear in the tutorial session for first year IT and CS students to tell them about "Introduction to informatics". When I got there, I realized one of the tutors had actually attended the class before.. but when I got down to actually talk, I was not too sure I had recognized the face correctly.. which led me to say something along the lines "It's a fun course but.... it seems there is no-one here who took it last year to confirm that".
And then it turned out not just one but two of the 4 tutors had actually been there. Which was kind of embarassing. I blame being tired - two consecutive days of less than 6 hrs of sleep.
I did not have much to say so got out of there before 7. Went home, cooked and ate dinner and then went to bed at around 9. Got maybe 1 hr of sleep before a friend of mine called. I have been wanting to meet up with her for nearly a week now (as she has something important going on in her life and could definitely use the support) - so we did. We finished talking at around 1.
And I got up at 6.30 - third night with less than 6 hrs. And I have a full 8 hr schoolday today - thankfully, as a student, not as a lecturer.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A Battle with Pride and Ego
A battle with pride and ego,
A journey that started long ago.
- Hammerfall
Those who do not yet know. I am 23 and have been writing my PhD thesis for most of this summer. In the past week, I have been finalizing the last paper to go into it - which I do not technically even need as I have 4 publications without it already. In any case, the thesis is practically done. And by done I mean that I could hand it in on Monday, if I wanted to. And I pretty much planned to, because I wanted to defend the thesis before 07.01.2011 - that is, before turning 24 - which would have made me the youngest person to get a PhD in Tartu for at least 20, more probably 50 years.
And then...
I decided to postpone the defence of my PhD thesis to May next year. The thought came to me clear as day on thursday evening, when walking home.
Reasons for postponing:
The pragmatical:
My supervisor has some ideas that would tie up some of the major loose ends currently left in the thesis - adding a lot to the quality of the thesis.
When applying for a postdoc position, it is important to have a good thesis and at least one really good paper on your CV. The last paper is pretty good, but it would be good to have it published too in order to confirm it's quality.
EuroCrypt 2011, one of the three biggest conferences in my field, is held in Tallinn. It is much easier to get a good opponent if I am to defend right before or right after the conference.
Postdoc positions usually start from autumn semesters so there would be no real benefit from graduating sooner. There is a new professor coming to Tartu and I would like to see what direction things take with him here and make my choices accordingly. This means I will want to stay in Tartu for the spring semester.
I get the support funding for doctorial studies for one additional semester (although, my superiors have promised me to match that with a pay increase once I graduate).
I can still take university courses for both spring and autumn semesters.
The emotional:
I do not think I am ready to say my goodbyes with being a student yet. A lot has happened over the past two years. I am not the person I was back then. Quite far from it. Maybe a bit too far, as I have lost my sense of identity. I do not feel I am a student, or a scientist, or a lecturer.. or anything, at this point. I enjoy all three roles but all of them in a different way -- they complement eachother and as such I am reluctant to give up any of them. I would also like a period of more stability to figure things out for myself. And by stability I mean avoid drastic changes, as these usually take a lot of resource to cope with.
Related to the preceding thought - I would like to concentrate on the social aspects of life over the professional ones. I would like to form closer and more authentic relationships with people, emphasizing quality over quantity. That is again something that is hard to do when you have to deal with changes in your professional life.
Also - I feel a bit more secure now about myself and who I am.. and do not really need the ego boost that making some national headlines would bring. Media attention is not always a good thing, anyways...
Still, it was not an easy decision. Not by a long shot. At this point, the thesis really is ready to present, and somehow, the thought that I will not do it still bothers me.
A journey that started long ago.
- Hammerfall
Those who do not yet know. I am 23 and have been writing my PhD thesis for most of this summer. In the past week, I have been finalizing the last paper to go into it - which I do not technically even need as I have 4 publications without it already. In any case, the thesis is practically done. And by done I mean that I could hand it in on Monday, if I wanted to. And I pretty much planned to, because I wanted to defend the thesis before 07.01.2011 - that is, before turning 24 - which would have made me the youngest person to get a PhD in Tartu for at least 20, more probably 50 years.
And then...
I decided to postpone the defence of my PhD thesis to May next year. The thought came to me clear as day on thursday evening, when walking home.
Reasons for postponing:
The pragmatical:
My supervisor has some ideas that would tie up some of the major loose ends currently left in the thesis - adding a lot to the quality of the thesis.
When applying for a postdoc position, it is important to have a good thesis and at least one really good paper on your CV. The last paper is pretty good, but it would be good to have it published too in order to confirm it's quality.
EuroCrypt 2011, one of the three biggest conferences in my field, is held in Tallinn. It is much easier to get a good opponent if I am to defend right before or right after the conference.
Postdoc positions usually start from autumn semesters so there would be no real benefit from graduating sooner. There is a new professor coming to Tartu and I would like to see what direction things take with him here and make my choices accordingly. This means I will want to stay in Tartu for the spring semester.
I get the support funding for doctorial studies for one additional semester (although, my superiors have promised me to match that with a pay increase once I graduate).
I can still take university courses for both spring and autumn semesters.
The emotional:
I do not think I am ready to say my goodbyes with being a student yet. A lot has happened over the past two years. I am not the person I was back then. Quite far from it. Maybe a bit too far, as I have lost my sense of identity. I do not feel I am a student, or a scientist, or a lecturer.. or anything, at this point. I enjoy all three roles but all of them in a different way -- they complement eachother and as such I am reluctant to give up any of them. I would also like a period of more stability to figure things out for myself. And by stability I mean avoid drastic changes, as these usually take a lot of resource to cope with.
Related to the preceding thought - I would like to concentrate on the social aspects of life over the professional ones. I would like to form closer and more authentic relationships with people, emphasizing quality over quantity. That is again something that is hard to do when you have to deal with changes in your professional life.
Also - I feel a bit more secure now about myself and who I am.. and do not really need the ego boost that making some national headlines would bring. Media attention is not always a good thing, anyways...
Still, it was not an easy decision. Not by a long shot. At this point, the thesis really is ready to present, and somehow, the thought that I will not do it still bothers me.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Not a dull moment
I spent most of yesterday reading a book. Have not done that in a while and it was actually quite nice - to just lie in the sun on the lawn and read "French ja Koulu Tarbatus" (which is a good self-parody of Estonians, but also mocks national stereotypes and, of course, semioticists)
At about 4 pm L. called and said she was in town.. til about 6... and she had some stuff to do before meeting me. Still, it was a nice hour and a half.. and I like her more and more with each time we meet :)
When I had sent her to the bus, I called another friend of mine from Taiji class. We practiced a bit and then had a long conversation about priorities and philosophy... that lasted til about 9 a clock.
Walking home, I realized I still had too much of the hot chili left over from the day before.. so I called T. and asked if she wanted to come and help me with it. She was a bit ill and had just started preparing dinner herself, so was not to keen on joining me. So I called another friend - R. - who, as it turned out, was just about to start his birthday celebrations.
Needless to say, I volounteered to bring the food:P
So I went home, packed up my board games, grabbed a pack of rice and some cumin seeds as well as the chili and then was ready to go..
Before I got out of the room, however, my phone rang again and R. called to say there was a change of venue because he had misplaced his keys and could not get into his apartment... happens, I suppose.
The party itelf was pretty small - just a gathering of a few people. I cooked the rice and heated up the chili, then we ate and played a round of Risk.. and then two rounds of Fluxx. The second round just kept on going though, so we just had to cut it short after having cycled the pack twice.
We got to cycle back through pouring rain. Thankfully, the place was pretty close. I got home a bit after 3 and went straight to sleep.
Today - well I spent 2 hours at a doctors waiting room (I did not have a formal appointment, he just said over the phone he would try to squeeze me in somewhere). Mostly spent reading. Got back to the office, called my supervisor - who confirmed that the strange proof seems ok, although some things need to be clarified...
And now I am off again to my other office to see if I have left one very important book there, since my supervisor does not seem to have it.
At about 4 pm L. called and said she was in town.. til about 6... and she had some stuff to do before meeting me. Still, it was a nice hour and a half.. and I like her more and more with each time we meet :)
When I had sent her to the bus, I called another friend of mine from Taiji class. We practiced a bit and then had a long conversation about priorities and philosophy... that lasted til about 9 a clock.
Walking home, I realized I still had too much of the hot chili left over from the day before.. so I called T. and asked if she wanted to come and help me with it. She was a bit ill and had just started preparing dinner herself, so was not to keen on joining me. So I called another friend - R. - who, as it turned out, was just about to start his birthday celebrations.
Needless to say, I volounteered to bring the food:P
So I went home, packed up my board games, grabbed a pack of rice and some cumin seeds as well as the chili and then was ready to go..
Before I got out of the room, however, my phone rang again and R. called to say there was a change of venue because he had misplaced his keys and could not get into his apartment... happens, I suppose.
The party itelf was pretty small - just a gathering of a few people. I cooked the rice and heated up the chili, then we ate and played a round of Risk.. and then two rounds of Fluxx. The second round just kept on going though, so we just had to cut it short after having cycled the pack twice.
We got to cycle back through pouring rain. Thankfully, the place was pretty close. I got home a bit after 3 and went straight to sleep.
Today - well I spent 2 hours at a doctors waiting room (I did not have a formal appointment, he just said over the phone he would try to squeeze me in somewhere). Mostly spent reading. Got back to the office, called my supervisor - who confirmed that the strange proof seems ok, although some things need to be clarified...
And now I am off again to my other office to see if I have left one very important book there, since my supervisor does not seem to have it.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Just another day
National holiday here in Estonia today. Despite that, I went to work in the morning.. only to realize that besides clarifying the proof I had come up with yesterday, there was really nothing to do for me.
The proof, by the way, is for a VERY improbable result - so it is probably wrong. It is short, elegant and I cannot find the mistake, but it is probably there somewhere.
If it is not, I have a pretty good paper, though :) Anyways, Im hoping that either Swen or my supervisor Ahto is willing to check it and either help me find the flaw, or confirm that it seems sound. However, everything else I write into the article kind of depends on which one happens, so I really didn't have anything else to do at work today.
So I went home, went to the store, hung the clothes out to dry.. and then lay on the back porch and read a book for 2 hours.
In the evening, we had a meeting with our Taiji group. Lasted for 3 hours.. and involved a lecture on esoteric stuff like chi circulation. I am somewhat sceptical about that stuff. Not completely though - there is definitely something to meditation, in terms of both immediate and long term health benefits. How much of it can be explained by just paying more attention to what goes on inside the body, however, I do not know. Some stuff seems pretty far fetched.. not all of it though..
I got back at around 9.30.. and then spent 2.5 h preparing dinner. Another indian dish. Pretty good. One word of advice to everyone though - when the recipe sais "2 tablespoons of chili powder" do yourself a favor and put just one. I checked two recipes, both claiming 2 was the right number.. so I went for it. And - god damn. Otherwise, the thing I made was pretty good, though. Just has this very sharp aftertaste. Seriously - god damn.
L. has been out of town for a week. She told me to work while I was away.. and I have. Most of the things that needed doing have been finished. Miss her. She'll be back on Sunday, though, which is quite soon, thankfully.
The proof, by the way, is for a VERY improbable result - so it is probably wrong. It is short, elegant and I cannot find the mistake, but it is probably there somewhere.
If it is not, I have a pretty good paper, though :) Anyways, Im hoping that either Swen or my supervisor Ahto is willing to check it and either help me find the flaw, or confirm that it seems sound. However, everything else I write into the article kind of depends on which one happens, so I really didn't have anything else to do at work today.
So I went home, went to the store, hung the clothes out to dry.. and then lay on the back porch and read a book for 2 hours.
In the evening, we had a meeting with our Taiji group. Lasted for 3 hours.. and involved a lecture on esoteric stuff like chi circulation. I am somewhat sceptical about that stuff. Not completely though - there is definitely something to meditation, in terms of both immediate and long term health benefits. How much of it can be explained by just paying more attention to what goes on inside the body, however, I do not know. Some stuff seems pretty far fetched.. not all of it though..
I got back at around 9.30.. and then spent 2.5 h preparing dinner. Another indian dish. Pretty good. One word of advice to everyone though - when the recipe sais "2 tablespoons of chili powder" do yourself a favor and put just one. I checked two recipes, both claiming 2 was the right number.. so I went for it. And - god damn. Otherwise, the thing I made was pretty good, though. Just has this very sharp aftertaste. Seriously - god damn.
L. has been out of town for a week. She told me to work while I was away.. and I have. Most of the things that needed doing have been finished. Miss her. She'll be back on Sunday, though, which is quite soon, thankfully.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Recovery
Went to the post office today (to send a birthday card to my grandmother) only to realize it wasn't there any more. And I could have sworn it still was there like... ... half a year ago... okay, that explains it.
Things change, apparently.
Went to the Kaubamaja to buy the postcard and a stamp from there.. only to realize I had forgot to take a pen. So I headed back toward the office and stumbled onto a - guess what - the new central post office. Which I must have walked past 10-20 times by now.
Bought a new postcard from there. A lot cheaper and nicer. Someone saw me slide the old one into my pocket - wonder if they suspected me of stealing... probably :P
Good clean grief you must believe and I ain't no thief. Law abiding and all, all legal.
Grief. Yes, a natural reaction when you lose a friend. When you lose the only person you really could speak to who you knew would listen and understand, without feeling you were a burden for them. I have the required symptoms for a depression diagnosis. Which do trust me, are not fun - unless you would somehow enjoy three weeks filled mostly with apathy, tiredness, sleep problems and inability to feel pleasure.
The manual does state that a month of grief is normal, however... and it is indeed starting to get better. Taiji helped. So do a few other factors. L., mainly. Although breaking the coffee habit probably also helped. Clean for a week now.
Interestinlgy, the mood has been fairly stable. No regrets, really. Nothing obvious I did wrong or should necessarily have done better. Just life - learn to accept the things you cannot change and to try to change only the things you can.
How to get mint cocoa - make a cup of mint tea for yourself. Drink it. Leave for half an hour. Then go get a cup of cocoa. See a teabag floating in the cocoa and realize this is how it works. Tastes pretty good, by the way :)
I was fairly convinced I was way behind on my work.. but now when I actually managed to write up the estonian summary in just a few hours, I may rethink that view. That was the last part of the thesis, by the way. Practically done with formatting too. Only thing that is left is to review the last paper and potentially rewrite it somewhat. If I still have a lot of time left after that, I may actually add another chapter on recent new ideas that my supervisor has been having that would make the thesis a bit more complete. But that is somewhat improbable, since we haven't quite worked out the details yet. We'll see.
Things change, apparently.
Went to the Kaubamaja to buy the postcard and a stamp from there.. only to realize I had forgot to take a pen. So I headed back toward the office and stumbled onto a - guess what - the new central post office. Which I must have walked past 10-20 times by now.
Bought a new postcard from there. A lot cheaper and nicer. Someone saw me slide the old one into my pocket - wonder if they suspected me of stealing... probably :P
Good clean grief you must believe and I ain't no thief. Law abiding and all, all legal.
Grief. Yes, a natural reaction when you lose a friend. When you lose the only person you really could speak to who you knew would listen and understand, without feeling you were a burden for them. I have the required symptoms for a depression diagnosis. Which do trust me, are not fun - unless you would somehow enjoy three weeks filled mostly with apathy, tiredness, sleep problems and inability to feel pleasure.
The manual does state that a month of grief is normal, however... and it is indeed starting to get better. Taiji helped. So do a few other factors. L., mainly. Although breaking the coffee habit probably also helped. Clean for a week now.
Interestinlgy, the mood has been fairly stable. No regrets, really. Nothing obvious I did wrong or should necessarily have done better. Just life - learn to accept the things you cannot change and to try to change only the things you can.
How to get mint cocoa - make a cup of mint tea for yourself. Drink it. Leave for half an hour. Then go get a cup of cocoa. See a teabag floating in the cocoa and realize this is how it works. Tastes pretty good, by the way :)
I was fairly convinced I was way behind on my work.. but now when I actually managed to write up the estonian summary in just a few hours, I may rethink that view. That was the last part of the thesis, by the way. Practically done with formatting too. Only thing that is left is to review the last paper and potentially rewrite it somewhat. If I still have a lot of time left after that, I may actually add another chapter on recent new ideas that my supervisor has been having that would make the thesis a bit more complete. But that is somewhat improbable, since we haven't quite worked out the details yet. We'll see.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Today was a Monday
Despite it actually being Tuesday. Mainly because yesterday, it felt like a Sunday.
Anyways, it was a good Monday. I woke up fairly early, to catch a bus to Tallinn. Got some work done on the bus (on an e-learning manual I was asked to help with).
While sitting in a bus in Tallin, an ex classmate of mine rode by me on her bike and waved. I waved back. That was a nice coincidence.
In Tallinn, I had a doctor's appointment, because I thought I had an ear infection. The doctor confirmed my suspicions, but said it was an ear canal problem (as opposed to inner ear) and should clear up on its own. When I told her about feeling tired all the time, she said it was normal, with the heat and the time differential and the coffee I have been drinking.
After getting to my mom's, I had to run a few errands - first go and buy a gift for my first cousin and then to return some books for my mom. That took about 2 hours, after which I got back just in time to catch a ride to that said first cousin's birthday.
The birthday was, like most of our family gatherings, somewhat ackward. Since no-one really had anything to talk about with the others, people just complained, either about their own lives or about the food (which was, in their defense, a bit undercooked in some cases). My cousin made occasional snyde remarks on these topics, but it seems that sarcasm is something that is beyond most of my relatives. I enjoyed it though - and a healthy dose of it does come in handy in situations like these.
I gave him the book "Games people play" - probably one of the most sensible practical psychology books out there.. at least a fun read, if nothing else. I bought one copy for myself too.
About the preceeding week.. or rather, preceeding two weeks... I would like to quote Metallica:
"Careful what you wish, you may regret it;
Careful what you wish, you just might get it".
If anything, I have only come to realize just how screwed up I really am.
But, well, at least now I know what I should be dealing with :)
Anyways, it was a good Monday. I woke up fairly early, to catch a bus to Tallinn. Got some work done on the bus (on an e-learning manual I was asked to help with).
While sitting in a bus in Tallin, an ex classmate of mine rode by me on her bike and waved. I waved back. That was a nice coincidence.
In Tallinn, I had a doctor's appointment, because I thought I had an ear infection. The doctor confirmed my suspicions, but said it was an ear canal problem (as opposed to inner ear) and should clear up on its own. When I told her about feeling tired all the time, she said it was normal, with the heat and the time differential and the coffee I have been drinking.
After getting to my mom's, I had to run a few errands - first go and buy a gift for my first cousin and then to return some books for my mom. That took about 2 hours, after which I got back just in time to catch a ride to that said first cousin's birthday.
The birthday was, like most of our family gatherings, somewhat ackward. Since no-one really had anything to talk about with the others, people just complained, either about their own lives or about the food (which was, in their defense, a bit undercooked in some cases). My cousin made occasional snyde remarks on these topics, but it seems that sarcasm is something that is beyond most of my relatives. I enjoyed it though - and a healthy dose of it does come in handy in situations like these.
I gave him the book "Games people play" - probably one of the most sensible practical psychology books out there.. at least a fun read, if nothing else. I bought one copy for myself too.
About the preceeding week.. or rather, preceeding two weeks... I would like to quote Metallica:
"Careful what you wish, you may regret it;
Careful what you wish, you just might get it".
If anything, I have only come to realize just how screwed up I really am.
But, well, at least now I know what I should be dealing with :)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Smiley face
I have done next to nothing since the last blog posting. Watched the first season of "How I met your mother", one episode of Firefly, quite a few movies and.. yes, that is pretty much it.
Well, actually, a bit more, to be honest.
Firstly, one night, I walk out of my apartment and see that the intersection next to my house is guarded by soldiers with machine guns who seem to be carrying out an operation. The guy with the machine gun does not seem to take notice of civilians though.. so I simply walk past him - a very strange experience, to say the very least.
Met David, a friend of D. who is currently here for a month learning Estonian. Nice guy, plays guitar quite well. Also, had a chat with D. and borrowed her a couple of books.
Most importantly, however, met L. - a very cute and interesting girl. Mainly been hanging out with her and one of her friends (who is also a friend of D.) for the past 3 days. Just hanging out, watching movies, playing guitar hero and so on. And it has been a lot of fun. Unbelievably so, actually.
Well, actually, a bit more, to be honest.
Firstly, one night, I walk out of my apartment and see that the intersection next to my house is guarded by soldiers with machine guns who seem to be carrying out an operation. The guy with the machine gun does not seem to take notice of civilians though.. so I simply walk past him - a very strange experience, to say the very least.
Met David, a friend of D. who is currently here for a month learning Estonian. Nice guy, plays guitar quite well. Also, had a chat with D. and borrowed her a couple of books.
Most importantly, however, met L. - a very cute and interesting girl. Mainly been hanging out with her and one of her friends (who is also a friend of D.) for the past 3 days. Just hanging out, watching movies, playing guitar hero and so on. And it has been a lot of fun. Unbelievably so, actually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
