Masks

Two things I have started to notice increasingly more often in the past few weeks:

1) My throat is sore after speaking, often even after brief conversations. I presume the reason is using a different pitch and/or timbre of voice to what I normally use.

2) A set of mimic muscles in my face also tense up after conversations, and are often quite hard to relax afterwards. The muscles, when tense, seem to be producing a slight, condescending smile.

Both are most probably defense mechanisms - used to keep a fair social distance, because I do not have resources left to risk letting new people close to me.

Again confirming my suspicions I really need to start working to get my life on track in terms of energy levels. For now, I am greatly thankful for the few close friends I do have.

Happiness

Honesty with yourself is probably the best basis for a good life one can have.

Considering this, my last post was somewhat off the mark. I did enjoy the weekend, and Saturday was indeed exactly what I needed but in the rest...

I have exhausted myself with work, to the point where I really do not have anything left to give to the people around me - neither to the new acquaintances nor to my old friends.

Not that I do not enjoy being with people - quite the opposite, at least with my old friends. It feels somewhat better than it has in the past - probably because the anxiety has faded and I feel I can actually relax and be myself around people - and am somewhat forced to be so, due to lack of energy.

Nevertheless, I would like to reciprocate more. Offer up fun ideas, and do them. Be more active, take the lead. The normal reaction would be to want to jump right into it and just do it, but at the moment, it feels like too much work. A sure sign something is wrong.

So time to make some revisions:

Three meals a day,

At most 2 cups of coffee a day, (1, e.v.)

8+ hrs of sleep, habitually,

Taiji, two times a week.

Also, cutting down on (already fairly low-key) social life for a while might be a good idea.

Or, rather, being a bit more honest with what I want and need (and risk upsetting the other person and being rejected). I don't really think I have much to lose, but I do have quite a bit to gain.

Someone to cuddle up and watch "Groundhog day" with, for instance. With no anxiety or expectations as to what should or will happen after.

Happiness doesn't take much. In fact, I think I have come to realize that it doesn't take anything. It is not a state of having, but a state of being...

And it is not as if I am missing something from my life... except for 2 out of 3 meals a day, but this should be easy to fix.

The weekend I needed.

Thursday was a 14-hr workday. I got home at 2 AM in the morning.

Only to wake up at 9 and have another 8 hrs - with two consecutive seminars held, one with masters students and for 2 hrs, another with our faculty, lasting 3.

And then I had half a Taiji practice to give on top of all this. So by 8 p.m. I was pretty much putty, both physically and mentally.

Just the perfect time to go meet a nice girl for coffee.. and then go spend the rest of the evening with two good friends who had decided to drop in unexpectedly (and so had to wait for a few hours, by which time they managed to do away with half of my sweets and all of my candles). The three of us had a lot of fun, and it continued for them even after I set off to bed.

The whole of Saturday was spent playing a single 10-hour session of "Arkham horror". Also just the perfect thing to do after an exhausting week.

And now, Sunday, which me and my roommate spent fixing my couch with a drill, steel wire and spare computer parts.

Back to work tomorrow - with quite a few new ideas.

It's not like you to resign to your fate

There are days I *really* wish the world worked by a different logic than it actually does.

But the fact of life is it does not. And one could bitch and moan about it all one wants, the logic will not change. To get something, you have to work for it, and whether you "deserve it" or not has relatively little if anything at all to do with it.

In some sense, it is the most fair of all the possible ways things can be. Those, who can conqueror their fears and laziness are the ones that succeed - not those with innate "gifts" or "good moral character".

Trouble, of course, being that effort is hard. Especially when you encounter setbacks. But that is essentially what separates people - whether they have the strength to keep pushing, or just give up.

I have gone the latter route way too long now in one aspect of my life. Time to turn things around and get it handled. After all, it is only myself who is holding me back.

All things must pass

I just gave two fairly good and motivating lectures (judging by the feedback), but I have apparently hit bottom myself. Scary, actually.

I just want to fall down and...

Not even think, for I did something very stupid... very stupid... and only time will tell how bad the reprecussions for it are.

The next few days are going to be interesting.

Edit: Relatively minor reprecussions, if any, it seems.

So I wither

But I feel I'm getting nowhere,

and I'll never see the end.

So I wither,

and render myself helpless;

I give in, and everything is clear;
I break down,
and let the story guide me.

- "Wither", Dream Theater

After the debate on Tuesday, I basically collapsed. A part of me apparently figured now there would be less stress and things to do so that it is ok to relax and take it easier... well, sadly, that part was somewhat mistaken (which is why I am at work on such a fine Saturday).

Depressive thoughts still haunt me every now and then. This morning, for instance. But I'm getting better at handling them.

So - what helps in my case? Just accepting the situation. The fact that I am sad and withering. And that it is in fact me who is rendering myself helpless. Giving in, basically - not panicking and looking for a solution but acknowleging that in the short term, there isn't anything I really can do. Breaking down, and just letting things go as they will, so to say, letting the story guide me, without trying to manage everything.

Or maybe it is just the nice weather outside. Most probably both.

Crime and punishment

For the past two days I have been discovering the joys of preparing for a public debate.

A few revelations:
a) Law texts are near impossible to read and even harder to interpret right. I have newfound respect for lawyers...

b) Homework takes time... a lot of time. Even if presentation is short, the amount of work that can go into it is enormous.

c) Processes at the level of the society are a lot more complicated than I first imagined. So much for a simple view of the world.

d) I am a bit out of my league. Thank god I am not debating my side alone. The fact is we are facing a true heavyweight, which is why I am putting in all this homework.

e) All this can be surprisingly enjoyable, as the amount of new things you learn when entering a new field is quite staggering.

I feel I should just stop reading now as my brain is nearing critical mass

Edit: For those of you interested in the result - link